


Just A Dare

by clintb4rton



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: AU, F/M, M/M, Stucky - Freeform, bucky and natasha and steve live together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-06-10 09:49:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 68,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6951457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clintb4rton/pseuds/clintb4rton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Now for the next level of getting over this irrational fear of intimacy.”</p><p>“No, I’m...I think I’m over it now.” Steve laughs, waving her off nervously. “I don’t need another test.”</p><p>“You’re over it, huh? Then prove it.” Natasha raises an eyebrow, smiling deviously. "Kiss James."</p><p>In which Steve gets dared to kiss Bucky, and things start to feel a little different between them afterwards. (Modern AU where no one has powers.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Getting Ready

“I can do this,” Steve breathes in, readjusting his tie in the mirror. He looks confident for a second too, like he really _can_ do this, but then his gaze drops and he sighs. “Can’t I?”

“Come on, of course you can,” Bucky laughs, mindlessly flipping a quarter in between his fingers out of boredom. He shakes his head and tucks his long hair behind his ear, sighing as he sees the concerned look on Steve’s face. “It’s just Sharon. You’ve liked her since what, freshman year of highschool?”

He’s right; it has been since freshman year in highschool. It all started when Steve was small and skinny, and Sharon helped him doctor up his bruises after he got beat up outside of the cafeteria. She was pretty and nice, and she was the only girl Steve was able to look at in _that way_ for the rest of those four miserable years. They didn’t even talk much, but she would always smile at him in the halls, and that sort of kindness was something he had only ever experienced from Bucky. He had no other friends, but Bucky had always been enough.

Bucky told him that he wasn’t in love with Sharon; he told him over and over that he had only liked her because she was a girl and she was nice to him, and he would get over her soon. But that never happened. Not during those four years, at least.

Of course he did eventually get over her in college. Well, it was more as if he didn’t even have _time_ to think about her because of all the classes he was taking. He and Bucky were roommates of course, and Bucky would try and convince him to go out and party with him, or go on a double date with him, but Steve always had the same reply: “Sorry, not tonight. I have a lot of work to do.” Bucky would just shake his head and sigh.

Life in college was a lot different for Steve than it was in highschool. After his “late puberty” (as Bucky liked to call it), he noticed that girls have looked at him differently. He’s tall and lean, and he works out at least five days a week. It’s more of an emotional outlet than it is for vain reasons, but he’s gotten much more attention all the same. Girls smile and blush when he talks to them, and it’s something that he’s never grown used to, because he’s used to it being _him_ that’s embarrassed and fidgety around a pretty girl. He still is that way, and that’s what’s wrong with his current predicament.

Sure, he’s had girlfriend's; two, actually. Only one of those had been serious, but still he wasn’t really looking for someone to be with. He was still trying to figure out who _he_ is, and what he wanted to do with his life.

After they graduated from college, he and Bucky find a cheap apartment to share. It’s only two blocks away from the gym Bucky basically runs, and it’s only a ten minute cab ride away from the police station where Steve gets a job.

He’s sure that the only reason he was hired for the NYPD is because of the volunteer firefighting he’s been doing since he was eighteen. When he walked into the office on his first day three months ago, he spotted her almost instantly. Sharon was sitting on the edge of a desk, her hair pulled back and a gun holster strapped to her thigh. She had a coffee in her hand, and Steve dropped all of the papers he was supposed to be taking to his desk to fill out. Before she could turn and look, he was already in the bathroom, about to have an anxiety attack.

The first thing he did, like he always does when he’s in trouble, was call Bucky. When he finally emerged from the bathroom, scared to death, Sharon turned to him. The recognition had been immediate on her face, unlike most people he has seen since high school. Most don’t recognize him, but she did.

So the past three months they’ve been catching up. After Bucky nagged him about asking her out for the past _two_ of those months, he finally did. As much as he could get out through his nervous stuttering, at least, but she said yes. And that leads up to current events.

“That’s the problem, Buck,” Steve sits on the edge of the bed, rubbing the back of his neck. “That’s what makes this so nerve-wracking. I liked her all throughout high school, and then we went our separate ways for college. I didn’t think I would even _see_ her again; let alone _work_ with her. Now we’re older and I feel like I’m...I feel like I’m just some awkward kid again. And I don’t...I know it’s only a date, but this feels right. And I’m scared I’m going to mess it up somehow.”

“Don’t think like that, Steve,” Bucky sighs, giving a supportive smile as he ruffles Steve’s hair, which Steve quickly freaks out about and immediately rushes back to the mirror to fix. Bucky laughs. “She’s just a girl. Plus, you guys are friends anyway. It’s not like it’s going to be hard to find things to talk about.”

“That’s easy for you to say. You’ve always been the one that’s...good at talking to girls. I’m not.” Steve gulps, turning around to look at Bucky. “I just don’t say the right things.”

“You aren’t the same person you were in high school. That Steve was insecure and shy and he wasn’t comfortable in his skin at all. Now you’re what, six foot three? And you’re buff, and you’re good at what you do. That’s something to be proud of. I’m proud of you.” Bucky gives a lopsided smile; the familiar kind Steve has seen his entire life. “Besides, women like a shy guy.”

“They do?” Steve gulps, looking hopeful. “I don’t know, Bucky.”

“She’ll like you, Steve. You’re a good guy, and you’re smart and fun to be around. I know you don’t see it, but Sharon will.” Bucky tells him, and Steve looks at the floor and nods. They don’t have these moments much, but Bucky knows when Steve really needs it, and he never minds lifting his spirits when he does. “Just as long as she doesn’t have to be around you too long, I think you’ll be good. You do get a little annoying after a while.”

“Ahh, shut up,” Steve cracks a smile, turning around to adjust his tie in the mirror _again._ “What are you doing tonight? Any big plans?”

“Nah, work tired me out today. I think I’ll hang around here and watch a few movies. Maybe order some takeout.” He shrugs, examining a few of Steve’s old pictures of his mother that are tucked neatly into the side of his mirror.

“Nat working tonight?” Steve asks, trying to focus on _anything_ but what’s about to happen. He still has a few more minutes before he has to go.

Natasha has been Steve and Bucky’s friend since Sophomore year of college. They actually met in Steve’s college algebra class. They even went out a few times, but that’s all it took for them to realize they’re better as friends. Soon she became friends with Bucky too, and the three of them have done everything together for a long time. After her deadbeat boyfriend kicked her out of his apartment last month, Steve and Bucky decided to let her stay with them. Bucky even got her a job being a personal trainer at the gym, too.

Steve has never been really sure where her and Bucky stand. They have chemistry; that’s obvious, but neither ever will commit to being in a relationship with each other. They kiss sometimes and cuddle on the couch together, but he’s not even sure that they like each other in that way. He’s tried to talk to them about it, but they both just laugh and say “we’re only friends.” And for some odd reason, Steve believes it. He’s decided that they’re both lonely, and they’re comfortable with the strange relationship that they have with each other, and Steve accepts that. Although he wouldn’t particularly be opposed to them _actually_ dating, but he knows just bringing that up draws them further and further away from that option, so he stops mentioning it.

“She should be here in a couple of hours. She says she wants to be back before you so she doesn’t miss any of the details of the date.” Bucky laughs, knocking his shoulder against Steve’s. “We all know how nosy she is.”

“Yeah, that’s Nat.” Steve shakes his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I guess I should go, then.”

“Don’t freak out,” Bucky laughs, smacking his hand against Steve’s tense back. “It seems scary, but you even said yourself it’s easy talking to her, right? The anticipation is the killer part.”

“I guess so. Thanks for the pep talk, Buck. I’ll see you tonight.” Steve makes his way to the door, breathing in deeply.

“Good luck, pal.” Bucky walks behind him and then falls against the couch with a sigh. “You might want this.”

“What?” Steve turns around, but immediately catches the object that’s about to smack him in the face. His wallet. “Oh, man. That could’ve been bad. Thanks.”

“No problem,” Bucky smiles at him, and Steve takes in a deep breath. “Go, idiot, or you’re gonna be late!” Bucky laughs, throwing a pillow at him.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m going.” Steve laughs too, and finally walks out the door.

This is the way it’s always been. Bucky is always pushing Steve out of his comfort zone; making him try new things and face his fears, and Steve has always been grateful for that. If it weren’t for Bucky, Steve doesn’t even know where he would be right now. Certainly not on a date with Sharon Carter, that’s for sure.


	2. First Date

“Hi,” Steve smiles, barely able to breathe as Sharon approaches the table. Her hair is down and she's wearing a black dress and heels, and he doesn't know how he's going to be able to look at her all night and not freak out.

“Hey, Steve,” She smiles back, and he stands up to greet her. His knee hits under the table, and almost spills the drinks.

“Oh, I didn't mean to...uh, that was an accident.” He laughs nervously, but she just laughs and sits across from him.

“It's fine.” She looks at him in the eyes, but he gulps and turns away, adjusting his tie.

“So I'm...I'm glad we came. To be honest I was pretty nervous.” He smiles, aimlessly moving his utensils around.

“No way. Steve Rogers was nervous?” She jokes, and he blushes a little. “I'm just joking. I think it's cute. And I'm glad you asked me out. I almost made a move if you didn't.”

“Really?” He can feel the huge smile on his face, and it won't go away as hard as he tries to rid of it. “I mean…that was almost why I _didn't_ ask. You're really confident and driven and I...I thought if you liked me, you would ask me out. So when you didn't...I took it as you not liking me.”

“Really? I thought I made it obvious.” She sips on her wine, but doesn't take her eyes off of him. “I fear rejection too, Steve. So any time I made a move, it seemed like you weren't interested. I see that you were just nervous now, but before I knew that I thought you didn't like me. So that's why I didn't ask. I guess we were both in the same thought process.”

“I guess so.” Steve laughs, shaking his head. “Well I'm glad we’re here now.”

“Me too,” She gives a small smile, and he runs his finger around the base of his wine glass. He opens his mouth to speak, but the waiter comes and asks for their order before he can.

So they give their orders to the waiter, and then start a new conversation.

“So how did you decide you wanted to be a police officer?” Steve asks, taking the first sip of his wine. He's never really liked wine much, but he drinks it anyway.

“I...didn't actually. Well, not at first. I wanted to be a nurse in the beginning, but I didn't have a knack for it. So I changed my major and became a police officer instead. I just have always known I wanted to do something where I could help people.” She tells him, slowly nodding her head.

“You've always been good at that,” he smiles, thinking back to those days that seemed like forever ago.

“I knew you would do great things someday, Steve Rogers. I knew it. You've always had such a good heart. I always regretted not keeping in contact.” She gives a weak, sad smile, and he realizes the wine must already be getting to her.

“Thanks,” He smiles nervously, not exactly sure how to respond. “I did too.”

“Well at least we’re here in the present, right? That's something.” She laughs, lightening the mood. “So what about you then?”

“What about me?” He asks, smiling.

“How did you know you wanted to do this? Do you like it?” She asks, propping her chin on her hand, listening intently.

“I knew I wanted to help people, like you. I don't get to do much of that, though, I realized. I'm mostly stuck in the back with paperwork. Not that I'm complaining, really, but I just thought it would be different, is all.” He shrugs, and she nods.

“I know what you mean. It’s not exactly what I was expecting either.” She runs her finger smoothly around the rim of her wine glass. “But I have been able to help people and that’s what matters. And you’re the rookie now, but they’ll have you on the field soon. Probably sooner than you’re ready for.”

“Yeah, probably so,” He smiles, shaking his head. “It’s just taking some getting used to I guess. I’ll manage. It’s nice to have a familiar face, though. I usually have Bucky with me everywhere, but that first day a few months ago...it was the first time I was going somewhere new without him. I’m glad you were there.”

“Sometimes friendships break after high school. I knew yours and Bucky wouldn’t. You’ve been attached at the hip since I remember seeing you the first time.” She laughs, taking another drink of her wine.

“Yeah, he’s helped me through a lot.” Steve nods, looking down at the table. “He was there for me when my mom died, and I was there for him when his dad did. That’s something that you can’t really forget.”

“I’m sorry,” Sharon said quietly, as Steve learned many people do when they find out.

“It was a long time ago,” He replies, sighing. She smiles sympathetically, and then the waiter approaches with their food.

They eat their food and then go for a walk downtown. They talk about college, and what all happened during the years where they didn’t see each other. Steve can’t believe he had been so nervous earlier; it’s effortless and natural talking to her.

“It’s getting late,” She smiles, waving down a taxi.

“Oh yeah. I didn’t even realize.” Steve laughs, nervously shoving his hands in his pockets. She sets her hand on the top of the taxi and turns to look at him.

“I had a great time, Steve,” She smiles, and he can’t help the grin erupting on his own face. “I really want to do this again. If you do too.”

“Yes. Yeah, I definitely do. And I had a great time too,” He laughs, gulping. He wants to make a move, but he can’t. He’s scared.

“Okay, well I’ll see you Monday then. Goodbye,” She smiles, hesitating at the door of the cab.

“Bye, Sharon,” He hesitates too, and then the taxi man presses on the horn. They both laugh, and Sharon opens the door. Right before she gets in, she turns back around. She grabs Steve’s tie, pulls him to her, and kisses him. It was soft and gentle, and this is the first kiss he’s had in awhile, and it’s perfect.

“Bye, Steve,” She smiles, getting in the cab. He stands there breathless, watching her go.

“So?” He hears Nat say the second he turns the knob of their apartment. Bucky is sitting on the couch drinking a beer, with his arm around Natasha. She has a glass of wine, and her head is nestled against Bucky’s chest. “How was the date?”

“Ah man,” He rubs the back of his neck, shaking his head with the same grin that hasn’t disappeared once tonight. “Where to begin?”

So he tells them all about it. Natasha is smiling the whole time like she was there herself, and that makes Steve happier than he can even put into words.

“See? Told you she was into you,” Bucky gives a half-smile and takes a swig of his now-empty beer bottle.

“Did you kiss her?” Natasha asks, rubbing her thumb against Bucky’s bicep.

“Not exactly,” Steve looks down and shakes his head, and Natasha furrows her eyebrows and sits up slightly.

“What? Why not? Come on Steve, you have to-”

“I didn’t kiss her, but...she kissed me.” He looks up at them and smiles, and Natasha claps her hands together excitedly. Bucky nods proudly and winks at him, and Steve gets overwhelmed at the support he’s getting. It’s making this all even better.

“Aww, our little Stevie is growing up,” Nat sighs, squeezing Bucky’s arm.

“I know,” Bucky shakes his head with a smile, looking up at Steve. “I wasn’t sure if I would see the day.”

“Shut up you two,” Steve undoes his tie and grabs a soda from the fridge. He plops down in the chair in the living room with them, but that small amount of time is all it took for Bucky and Natasha to get close again.

“You’re drunk, James,” Natasha whispers between each soft kiss Bucky gives her, but she’s laughing and he’s kissing her neck now.

“I’m not,” He insists, wrapping his strong arm around her waist. She turns in his arms, smiling and laughing. She rubs her thumb across his lips, which he tries to bite at.

“Yes,” She leans in, pressing a slow, lingering kiss against his lips. “You are.”

“I’ll deny it as long as you keep kissing me like that,” He hums, pulling her in again. This time she dodges it though, laughing.

“Do you have to...do this in front of me?” Steve looks away uncomfortably, and swallows thickly. He’s always been uncomfortable when they act like this.

“So sorry, Steve,” Natasha laughs, biting her lips as she turns around in Bucky’s arms.

“Steve just wants this with Sharon, is all,” Bucky sighs, and Steve looks away and twirls his finger around a loose thread on the chair.

“Shut up, Bucky,” Steve shakes his head, embarrassed.

“What? That’s nothing to be ashamed of. You like her.” Bucky shrugs, reaching for his beer. He knocks it over and onto the ground. “So naturally, then, you want to fu-”

“James!” Natasha hits his chest, furrowing her eyebrows in anger.

“Come on, I didn’t mean it that way,” Bucky exhales loudly, trying to pull Natasha against him. “Come back.”

“I told you I hate it when you drink,” Natasha rolls her eyes, sitting in Steve’s lap and putting her arm around his neck.

“Ha,” Steve laughs at Bucky, laying his head on Natasha’s shoulder.

“You’re a punk,” Bucky throws a pillow at him, and Natasha gives him a kiss on his cheek.

“Jerk,” Steve replies, and Bucky closes his eyes and smiles.

“So are you two going on another date, then?” Natasha asks, looking up at him.

“She says she wants to. Next weekend, I’m sure. Or maybe lunch on a work day.” Steve smiles, the thought of her immediately brightening his mood once again.

“That’s great, Steve. I’m happy for you.” Natasha smiles at him, and he nods.

“Did anything _other_ than a kiss happen?” She asks, raising an eyebrow. Bucky laughs across the room, and Natasha turns and shoots him daggers with her eyes.

“Steve. _Steve._ Do you really think our Steve did anything other than kiss on the first date? It’s nothing bad, it’s just not...him.” Bucky shrugs.

“He’s right,” Steve scratches his neck, hating to admit it. “I was too scared to even kiss her.”

“You just need more experience, is all. How many people have you kissed?” Natasha asks curiously.

“Um...three. Three people.” He finally gets out, embarrassed.

“Really? Three?” Natasha smiles slightly, but she’s not making fun of him. “That’s cute, Steve. How many have you been with?”

“Oh...um…” He gulps, pushing his lips together.

“He hasn’t been with anyone. I can’t believe you didn’t know that, Nat,” Bucky says, and Steve rolls his eyes. He’s a little relieved he didn’t have to actually be the one to say it, though.

“Oh, Steve, really? Why not?” Natasha asks, giving a small “awww.”

“I haven’t found the right person yet, is all. It’s not a big deal, Nat.” He tries to act like he’s cool about it, but every time it’s brought up in a conversation he wants to cower away.

“I know it isn’t. I just think that’s really, really sweet. It’s just…” She looks away, sighing. “Nevermind.”

“No, what?” Steve sits up slightly, suddenly curious. “Nat, come on.”

“Well you need to just loosen up a little about some things.” She shrugs nonchalantly, and he furrows his eyebrows.

“What do you mean?” He asks, getting nervous.

“You’re hot, Steve. Like...extremely hot. And from what I’ve heard, people have shown you a lot of interest. But if you don’t try things out, you’re just going to keep being scared of it. Don’t act like I don’t realize how much you tense up if the word “sex” is even mentioned in a sentence.” She laughs, putting a hand on his arm for comfort. “See? You’re tense now.”

“It all just...makes me nervous. Do you think there’s...do you think something’s wrong with me?”

“No, no, nothing like that!” She laughs, making his mind ease a little more.

“You need to relax, is what she’s trying to say.” Bucky smiles at him, sitting up on the couch.

“Well...how?” Steve gulps, now freaked out.

“Try and stop viewing sex as a fear to have, and try to see it as it is: a regular part of life. I mean yeah, it’s a little scary, but it’s just sex. Then it’s over, and life goes back to normal. I think you’ve built it up in your mind as something to dread, instead of something to look forward to.” She says sweetly, and he looks down.

“Yeah, I guess,” He answers lowly, tapping his finger against the arm of the chair.

“Kiss me,” She says, as serious as ever.

“Uh...what?” Steve suddenly can’t breathe, and she laughs.

“Steve, really. You have to loosen up about this stuff.”

“But wouldn’t that be...cheating on Sharon?” He wants to panic, but he tries to keep his cool.

“You’ve been on _one_ date. God, and it’s just a _kiss._ And trust me, she’ll thank me for this.” Natasha laughs, and curves her hand around the back of his neck. Then he feels her warm lips against his, and his eyes widen.

“Relax,” She whispers against his lips, and then kisses him deeper. It takes him a second, but finally his tense muscles loosen up, and he presses his hand against her waist.

“Good! That was good.” She smiles, pulling away.

“It was?”

“Yes, Steve,” She laughs, shaking her head. “Now for the next level of getting over this irrational fear of intimacy.”

“No, I’m...I think I’m over it now.” Steve laughs, waving her off nervously. “I don’t need another test.”

“You’re over it, huh? Then prove it.” Natasha raises an eyebrow, smiling deviously. "Kiss James."

“What?” Steve scoffs, swallowing thickly. He’s actually surprised; he wasn’t expecting that at all. “No way.”

“I honestly can’t believe you two have been friends for so long and haven’t even _kissed._ That’s so weird.” She laughs, sighing.

“Hey, I’m in. Anything to help this little prude out,” Bucky laughs, but Steve’s sure it’s only because he’s drunk. “Come on, Stevie, let’s lock lips.”

“Yeah, Steve. It’s only a kiss.” Natasha promises, giving that pouty face that he has never once been able to deny the wishes of. “This is going to help you in the long run. When it’s over you’ll know you just overreacted.”

“You really think this will help me?” Steve asks, feeling the sweat on his back.

“I know it will.” She nods, and he looks at her for a second, breathes in, and gets up out of the chair.

“Whoa, I didn’t think you would actually do it,” Bucky grins, standing up. “Wow, Nat, you really have a way with words.”

“Hmm, I know,” She grins, raising her eyebrow.

“Okay, I guess I’m just going to...do it,” Steve rubs his sweaty palms against his pants, breathing in. Bucky’s standing in front of him, grinning sleepily like he always does when he’s drunk.

Finally Steve steps forward, and presses his own lips against Bucky’s. The kiss was brief and tense, and it was completely obvious that Steve was massively uncomfortable.

“That was not a kiss!” Natasha sits up in her chair, laughing behind her gasp. “Steve, really?”

“Just because it wasn’t the kind of kiss _you_ wanted doesn’t mean it’s not a kiss, Nat,” He rubs the back of his neck nervously, trying to come to terms with what just happened.

“Steve, you’re missing the whole point of _why_ I wanted you to do this!” Natasha huffs, but still smiles to let him know she isn’t angry. “You have to stop focusing and dwelling on these things. It’s just going to hurt you one day, and that’s why I’m trying to help you. I’m not forcing you to do this, but I know you’re doing it so you don’t ruin your chances with Sharon. So don’t do it for me, or her; do it for yourself.”

He takes all of that in, and turns back to look at Bucky. He’s standing there yawning and aimlessly looking around the living room and then he reaches up to rub at his eyes. Steve takes in another huge breath, and then grabs Bucky’s face and kisses him. Bucky laughs for a second, not expecting it, but then he kisses back.

Steve doesn’t know if it’s the wine he had earlier, or if it’s just the fact that he knows this is what he needs to do to help himself, but either way he does it right this time. He’s only a few inches taller than Bucky, which is a huge difference from Sharon. The scruff from Bucky’s cheek rubs against Steve’s, and Steve’s hand finds its way to Bucky’s hair.

Bucky tastes like alcohol. But he feels like Bucky has always felt like: gentle, caring, and like home. It’s just...Bucky.

“Now _that_ was a real kiss!” Natasha laughs, clapping her hands. “Damn, Steve.”

“You were right,” Steve laughs, rubbing his hands together. “I was overreacting. It was just a kiss.”

“See? I told you! Do you feel horribly scared anymore?” Natasha grins, obviously happy just like Steve.

“No. I mean...it was just a kiss.” He says again, shrugging. “I don’t know why I was freaking out.”

“Well hopefully that helped.” Natasha smiles sweetly, and then her eyes dart over to Bucky. “James. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Bucky laughs, backing up slightly as Steve turns around to see what’s going on. His knees hit the couch and he almost falls over, but he regains his balance and pushes his hair back with his palm. “I’m fine. I think I’m just tired. You guys are right; I really should stop drinking so much.”

“It’s late, anyway. Go to bed.” Natasha laughs, and Steve pats him on the back which weirdly makes him jump.

“Yeah, I think I will. Goodnight.” He smiles at them, and then goes in his room. Steve and Natasha look at each other and she laughs.

“I’ve never seen him act like that,” Steve laughs lightly, scratching his head. “He seems pretty drunk. He may not have processed what was going to happen in his mind when you said we needed to kiss.”

“Nah, he isn’t that drunk. He probably just has to puke his guts up but doesn’t want you to think it was because of you and feel bad,” Natasha holds her hand out and Steve pulls her out of the chair, laughing.

“Since when does Bucky care about hurting _my_ feelings?” Steve jokes, and Natasha grabs the blanket from on top of the couch and falls down into it.

“He’s like that when he’s hammered. He’s a real softie,” She laughs, and Steve nods.

“Yeah, you’re right.” He smiles, pulling his tie off fully. “I think I’m gonna go to bed too. It’s been a long day. Thanks again for what you did. Even though I didn’t seem very grateful in the moment, I am now.”

“No problem. Sharon won’t care if you’re inexperienced, okay? Don’t worry about it at all. She’ll know how amazing you are soon if not already.” Natasha smiles at him, and he smiles and nods back. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Nat.” He tells her, and finally resorts to his room for the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this is really the beginning of this fic. I thought this was a pretty good way to introduce it, so I hope you all like it! I have some ideas brewing for this story already and I'm really excited!


	3. Hangover

“Christ, Steve, can you turn that shit down?” Bucky groans, rubbing his temples as he finally trudges out of his room with sweatpants and no shirt on. His deceased father’s dog tags (which he’s worn every day since his passing) are flopping against his chest, and Steve can see the indentation marks right under his collarbone where he must have slept on them. 

“I won’t turn it down; I’m making breakfast. And when I make breakfast, I need music.” Steve smiles at him, waving his spatula around in the air. Neither Bucky or Natasha really favor his “old” taste in music much. “And didn’t we talk about swear words?”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Bucky rolls his eyes, tying his messy hair back in a bun. Then he falls onto the couch next to a sleeping Natasha, and she groans. 

_“She_ doesn’t mind the music,” Steve laughs, flipping his fried eggs in the pan.

“Yes I do!” Natasha quickly protests, burying her head in the pillow. “Don’t you usually run in the morning?”

“I ran at five. It’s already almost nine.” Steve shakes his head, grabbing the toast that pops up out of the toaster. He slathers some butter on it, and sets everything on plates. 

“Mmm. Did you run with Sam?” Natasha asks, sitting up on the couch and stretching. 

Sam is Steve’s friend from the police station. His desk is next to Steve’s in the back, and they’ve been friends ever since Steve’s first day. Eventually, after figuring out they both run in the mornings, they decided to run together. They have almost every single day since. And now Sam even works out at Bucky’s gym, so he’s now friends with him and Natasha too. 

“Oh yeah. He made me tell him about the date too; he’s been ragging me about going out with Sharon just like you two.” Steve shakes his head, laughing. 

“See? Everyone see’s it.” Natasha laughs, yawning and standing up. 

“Nooo,” Bucky pulls her back down against him, and nuzzles his face against her neck. He really is a softie. “Just one more minute.”

“Get up, James,” Nat kisses his cheek, and laughs as she stands up. He grumbles and hugs his arms around a pillow instead, burying his face in it.

“Come on, Buck, I made breakfast,” Steve whines, passing Natasha a plate.

“Thanks, Steve. I’m starving.” She laughs, instantly digging her fork into her food.

“How is it that it’s always eggs when I’m hungover?” Bucky gets up finally, his bun now messy and tangled. Steve watches Natasha's eyes scan lustfully across Bucky's toned chest and stomach, as she bites into her piece of toast. Bucky doesn’t notice. "I'm convinced you do it on purpose."

"Maybe it'll teach you a lesson," Steve shrugs, taking a bite of his own egg.

"A lesson on what?" Bucky tucks a strand of hair behind his ear, taking a drink of his orange juice. His eyes don’t look up to meet Steve’s once.

"That you should stop drinking, idiot," Natasha smirks, knocking her arm against Bucky's.

"You both exaggerate. I only drink on the weekend." Bucky rolls his eyes, slowly eating his own piece of toast. "Besides, it was only beer."

"Yeah, but _four_ bottles," Natasha retorts, and he huffs. "And do you even remember last night? You're acting weird."

Just that second Bucky looks up at Steve. It was a fleeting moment that Steve would have missed if he turned a beat earlier, but it was there, and he wasn't sure what's going on with Bucky. The kiss must have really freaked him out.

"Uhh, not really," He laughs, absentmindedly moving his fork around his plate. "I remember Steve telling us about the date but...it's kind of a blur after that."

"Well we all had a lot of fun," Natasha smiles smugly at Steve, who quickly looks down at his plate of food. He feels wrong now knowing Bucky was _that_ drunk. "Didn't we Steve?"

"Oh yeah," Steve nods, pretending to clear his throat. "I mean yeah, we had a good time. Mostly Nat, really."

"Hmmm, that's not how I remember it," She raises an eyebrow, but Bucky pays no mind to their suspicious behavior and continues to eat his food. "Too bad you're drinking your life away, James. You're missing the good stuff."

"Let it go, Natasha," Bucky slinks over the newspaper, turning the front page. Steve studies him for a second. He's known him too long to not be able to realize when something's wrong. But if he doesn't remember last night - and he seemed drunk enough not to - then why is he acting so strange? And why hasn't he looked at Steve this entire morning?

"Fine. I'm just saying." She smiles, reaching over and putting her hand on his arm. He quickly jerks away from her touch, and an instant look of hurt washes over her face. But Natasha, being Natasha, covers it up quickly with a laugh. If Steve didn't know her the way he does, he would have thought that brief sadness was all in his mind. But he knows her far better than that, and her coping mechanisms don't fool him anymore.

"Sorry, Nat," Bucky immediately turns to her, and she gulps and laughs, waving him off. "I'm just not feeling very well still. I didn't mean anything."

"It's okay," She shakes her head, and Steve gets up from his chair uncomfortably, feeling like he's invading their privacy somehow.

He washes his plate up, and when he knows they're finished he goes and gets their dishes too. Bucky still doesn't look at him.

Steve really starts to wonder what's wrong now. Even if he does remember the kiss, what's the big deal? Bucky has never once acted this way. In fact, he almost kissed him at summer camp once when their bunk mates accused them of being "gay lovers." Bucky's never been one for bullies, but instead of just kicking their asses like normal, he found a more conventional and fun way of getting back at them. Steve, of course, pulled away in the last second and laughed, and Bucky just shrugged. He would have done it, right in front of everyone, just to push it in those guys' faces.

And that's not even counting all of the other times where there were rumors at school about "Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers are are gay for each other." Steve dreaded going to school and Bucky knew it, so instead of cowering away from the accusations, Bucky faced it head on. When they would get strange looks in the hallways, Bucky would throw his arm around Steve and plaster a big grin on his face, just so everyone around would be able to see it. The whole joke was mostly made to humiliate him, because who the hell would ever want to be with dinky little Steve Rogers? But Bucky didn't care what others thought; he always was protecting Steve, even if it costed him his dignity at times.

So it couldn't have been the kiss last night, right? That just makes no sense. After all of the things he and Bucky have been through, would he really be that disgusted by kissing him? Even Steve - the biggest prude possibly ever - realized it was just a kiss. He's had hugs with Bucky that were more emotional and intimate than that, so what's the big deal?

He decides that it can't possibly be from that, and he's just overthinking like he always does. Bucky sometimes goes through rough patches with his depression, and it may just be related to that. It's usually in the fall, close to winter, Steve has learned, when Bucky gets down. He's gloomy and always has dark circles under his eyes, despite the drastic spike in sleeping hours he gains. He even calls in to work, claiming he's sick and can't come in. Sometimes it lasts days, sometimes it's weeks, and once it was even a month. But he always bounces back, no matter what. Maybe it's just come earlier this year.

“So what do you boys want to do today?” Natasha asks, pulling herself onto the counter top and biting into an apple. 

“How about some movies and takeout?” Steve asks, putting his hands on her waist, picking her up, and setting her feet down on the ground, because he’s told her a million times not to sit on the counter. She just rolls her eyes and takes another bite. 

“It’s only…” She looks down at her phone, and then back up at Steve, laughing. “Nine-o-seven.”

“That just means we can have a movie marathon.” He raises an eyebrow, smiling hopefully. 

“I like where your head’s at, Rogers,” She narrows her eyes, smiling. “The weather’s bad, anyway. You know what that means? Horror movie marathon. Get dressed, James, we’re going to the movie rental store down the street.”


	4. Sinister

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to update another chapter tomorrow night, and then after that I will most likely update about three times a week! Hope you like it!

“You know I’m not a big fan of horror movies like you and Bucky, Nat,” Steve sighs, closing the apartment door as they arrive back with the movies and snacks. He runs his fingers through his rain-soaked hair, now feeling cold and wet.

“Well we had to suffer through your...jazz music this morning, so you can suffer through this. Besides, it’s fun to be scared.” She shrugs, tying her hair up. 

“Why the hell didn’t we bring an umbrella?” Bucky grumbles, pulling his shirt off on his way to his room. 

“It wasn’t raining when we left, is why,” Steve replies, throwing Bucky’s shirt - which he had tossed on the ground in the living room - at him as he passes his room. Bucky’s beside his bed, pulling his dampened sweatpants off. It’s as normal as ever; they’ve seen each other half naked probably thousands of times. But when Bucky sees him, he turns around as he pulls on a pair of basketball shorts. 

Steve just goes in his room, trying to ignore the look Bucky had just given him. It wasn’t like he just sat and stared or anything; he was just casually walking past and Bucky  _ happened  _ to have been getting changed. Now Steve feels bad and weird and he hates feeling bad and weird because he shouldn’t. It’s just Bucky and he’s just Steve so what exactly is going on here? Maybe he should talk to him.

“Get your asses in here! I just put in Halloween!” Natasha laughs from the living room, and Steve can smell popcorn popping in the microwave as he pulls a different shirt on. 

“Oh, Geez,” Steve shakes his head, walking back into the living room with fresh clothes on. Bucky’s on the couch, running his fingers through his hair while he scrolls through his phone. Steve sits in the chair.

“It’s not scary, Rogers, don’t worry,” Natasha’s feet pad across the wooden floor, and then she smiles at him while she gets comfortable leaning against Bucky’s chest. “It’s a classic. Who knows, maybe you’ll even like it!”

He doesn’t. Not at all. By the end he’s ready to turn it off and pretend he never saw it. 

“What don’t you like about it?” Natasha gasps at finding out his opinion, disappointed. 

“Come on, Nat,” Bucky looks at her, and they both turn to look at him. This is the first time he’s spoken in what feels like hours. “He doesn’t understand why someone would  _ want  _ to watch people getting brutally murdered.  _ “What’s the point of seeing people scared out of their wits? Why would you watch a movie like that? I don’t get it.” _ ” Bucky says, giving his best Steve Rogers impression. Which was pretty spot on, really. 

“Shut up, Bucky,” Steve shakes his head, trying not to laugh.

“What? I’m right, aren’t I? That’s what you were going to say.” Bucky gives that signature Bucky smile, and Steve just laughs. Maybe Steve just made all of the other stuff up in his head. 

“I guess,” Steve admits, and Natasha laughs. 

“Have a little fun! It’s not real, it’s just a movie. Besides, fear is a natural human emotion. It can be fun when brought out in the right way.” Natasha shrugs, grabbing for the peanut butter cups on the coffee table in front of her. 

“The right way?” Steve scoffs, unbelieving. 

“I mean obviously it’s not fun if you’re being chased down by an actual serial killer, but it’s fun when you can  _ watch  _ and know it’s fake. It’s thrilling.” She raises an eyebrow, smiling and sighing. 

“Ahh, I guess,” Steve laughs, trying to see her point. “What’s next?”

“Let me see…” Natasha gets up and rifles through the bag of movies, before finally choosing one. She puts a devilish grin on her face, as she slowly lifts up the movie so they can both see. “Let’s go a little scarier. Sinister.”

“Oh man, what’s that?” Steve complains, shaking his head disapprovingly. 

“You’ve seen it James, right?” Natasha asks, getting comfortable next to him again. His hand settles on her hip, and Steve notices the way his thumb rubs against it gently. 

“If Steve hasn’t seen it, I haven’t either. I’m pretty sure we’ve only seen the same movies.” Bucky gives a half laugh, glancing over at Steve as he props his sock-covered feet on the coffee table. 

“Yeah, he’s right,” Steve looks away from Bucky’s eyes, looking over at Natasha with a laugh. “If he’s seen it, I have. If he hasn’t, I haven’t either. And vice versa.”

“Damn.” Natasha looks between them, laughing. “Are you sure you’ve never kissed before last night?”

Then it goes quiet. Steve and Bucky’s smiles both drop, and Steve lowers his gaze awkwardly.

“Come on, I was just kidding.” Natasha bumps Bucky’s arm with her own, laughing. She senses the horrible tension in the air apparently too. 

“What do you mean?” Bucky forces a laugh, pushing his hair behind his ear. This is horrible. 

“Oh yeah,” Natasha laughs awkwardly, only now remembering that Bucky was too plastered to recall the events of last night. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll just play the movie.”

“Natasha,” Bucky stops her hand before she can grab the remote, and she bites her lip. Steve wants to run away. “Tell me.”

“It really isn’t a big deal. Come on, you really don’t remember?” She forces a laugh, but he’s not amused. 

“I kissed you,” Steve finally says, throwing his hand in the air with exasperation. “Nat was trying to help me face my fear somehow, uh, by...making me kiss you. Just to make me stop freaking out about everything, I guess. You agreed to it, but I didn’t realize how drunk you were or I wouldn’t have done it.”

“Oh,” Bucky laughs, rubbing the back of his neck. “That’s it? I thought we had killed someone and made a pact never to tell anyone. I’m relieved, but that’s also kind of a let down. I thought the pact would bring us closer together as friends.”

“So you aren’t mad?” Natasha ignores his joke, and he puts his arm around her. 

“Mad? Why would I be mad? Me and Steve kissed, so what? I’ve kissed you hundreds of times, Nat.” Bucky replies, seeming confused at their confusion. 

“Yeah, I know, but you were just acting like...I don’t know. Never mind.” She laughs, and Steve does too. His is full of relief. He knew it must not have been the kiss that’s been making Bucky act so weird. Good. 

“Jesus, you guys are weird,” Bucky laughs, reaching up to grab skittles. “So how was I then?”

“What?” Steve asks, practically choking on his drink. 

“How was the kiss? Best you’ve ever had, I’m sure,” He shrugs, giving a smug grin. 

“Oh, uh,” Steve laughs, obviously flustered. He’s surprised, is all. He had built something up in his head that didn’t even exist. “Sorry, Buck. Probably last on the list. It’s a short list, though, so don’t take it personally.”

“Last? That’s a damn lie,” Bucky’s mouth is open, and he’s laughing. “It’s just because I was drunk. I could do better sober.”

“Yeah, yeah, you two can test that out some other time. Right now we’re going to watch this scary-ass movie,” Natasha settles against Bucky, and then pats the couch next to her for Steve to come join them. “Trust me. You won’t want to be sitting by yourself when we watch this.”

“Ahh fine,” Steve huffs, getting out of the chair to go sit next to Natasha. So now they’re all huddled on the couch with the lights out, wrapped in a blanket and ready to watch this scary-ass movie.


	5. Scream

“Nat, you’re seriously sick in the head,” Steve shivers as the credits roll up, clutching at a pillow in his arms. “That was horrible.”

“Oh my God, you didn’t like it?! It’s so damn good!” She shakes her head, still smiling from the movie.

“I agree with both of you,” Bucky shrugs and sighs, letting Natasha run her fingers through his hair. “It was horrible, yeah, but that’s what made it so good.”

“You two...really?” Steve laughs, shaking his head with disbelief. "I just don't understand that at all."

"Jesus, it's a horror movie, Steve, what do you expect?" Natasha laughs, gently nudging him with her arm.

"Yeah, and more people agree with us than they do with you. That's why the horror movie genre is gaining more and more popularity." Bucky tosses an empty powerade bottle at Steve, but he catches it.

"That really worries me," Steve shakes his head, getting up to grab a drink of his own from the fridge. "Because yeah, it's fun to watch for some people.  _ Some. _ But then it gives the real psychos ideas. Ideas that I as a police officer have to face. Well not yet, but you know what I mean."

"If they're psycho enough to kill, they'll do it anyway. These movies may just give them more...creative ways, is all." Natasha shrugs, pushing her lips together with a smile.

"Yeah, yeah, you weirdos," Steve sets his drink down on the coffee table and then sighs as he goes and grabs the bag of movies. "So what next?"

"Your choice." Natasha tells him, and he scratches his neck.

"How is..." He sorts through the movies, grabbing one at random. "Scream? Man, it's dark in here."

"Boo!" Something grabs his sides, and he jumps and rares his fist back. "Jesus, you were gonna punch me!" Bucky gasps, almost doubling over with laughter.

"Oh, you should have seen your face, Steve," Natasha laughs too, wiping tears from her eyes. "That was good."

"Thank you," Bucky gives her a high five, grinning as he falls back against the couch again. "Steve's always been a scaredy cat."

"I can tell." She laughs, and Steve rolls his eyes with a smile. "Scream's good though. One of my favorites, actually." Natasha admits, and Steve makes himself comfortable on the couch next to her after he puts the movie in.

"I really doubt I'll agree with that." He huffs, subjecting himself to yet _ another _ horror movie.

"We'll do something you want to do tomorrow," Natasha pulls away from Bucky's arms, and moves over to Steve, smiling. "Promise."

"Fine," He breathes in, laughing. "Only because you promised."

"Tash," Bucky complains, pouting on his end of the couch.

"Stop being so needy," Natasha smiles smugly at him, but Steve can tell she loves it when Bucky acts this way with her.

"But I  _ am _ needy," He replies in a raspy voice, and then he pulls Natasha's legs to bring her closer to him. Then he gets on top of her and starts kissing her neck, and Steve moves his body as far against the armrest as possible, away from them. He props the side of his head on his fist, watching the menu go around and around. Bucky and Natasha are making out now, right in front of him. Well, beside him. 

It’s finally too much when Natasha starts moaning and winding her fingers in Bucky’s hair. They don’t even notice as Steve gets up; Bucky just presses her against the couch more, exploring her mouth with his tongue. Steve pretends not to notice as he digs through the fridge, humming a song to himself to block out the noisy moans. 

_ “Oh James,”  _ He hears Natasha’s soft voice whimper out, and he wants to plug his ears. 

“I’m gonna be in my room until you guys...finish. Not that you’re listening. Or can even  _ hear  _ me, but…” He rubs the back of his neck, but then gives up and just goes to his room. 

He lays in bed and closes his eyes, thinking of Sharon. He smiles at the thought of their date last night. His mind starts buzzing around different thoughts, until it finally settles on one. He wonders what it would be like to kiss Sharon that way, and how it would feel to hear her moaning out _ his _ name. That thought alone causes him to gulp, and his heart rate to pick up. He really wishes he wouldn’t have thought about that. 

“Steve let’s start the movie!” He suddenly hears a voice, and he jolts out of his daydream. He takes in a sharp breath, the loud voice surprising him. 

“Just a second!” He answers, rubbing his sweaty palms on his shirt. He stands up and paces around his room, knocking any sort of sexual thought from his head. But then he starts to wonder about Nat and Bucky. It’s pretty obvious that they didn’t finish what they started, and he’s almost certain they’ve never actually had sex. Fooled around, maybe, but not sex. And he isn’t sure why.

“You could’ve stayed and watched, you know,” Natasha raises an eyebrow, watching him enter the room. They’re both still breathing heavily, but while Natasha’s acting like nothing happened, Bucky is biting his lip and watching her body like he never wanted their making out to stop. He looks like he wants her.

“Can we just watch the movie?” Steve sighs, shaking his head at them as he sits down.

“I’m just joking, lighten up.” She laughs, laying her head on his shoulder. “Jesus, Steve, your hearts racing! What were you doing in there?” She asks, and he tries to come up with an excuse but he can’t. She’s too quick. “Ahhh, thinking of Sharon, huh? Oh my God...were you masturbating in there?”

“What? No!” He swallows thickly, feeling his face burn. 

“God, Rogers,  _ do you  _ even masturbate?” She asks, gasping slightly. 

“I, uh...that’s not your business.” He replies, crossing his arms. 

“He does,” Bucky says casually, and then puts his arm around Natasha. “In college I heard him jerking off hundreds of times while he thought I was asleep.”

“Really, Bucky?” Steve covers his face with his hands, trying to mask the evidence of embarrassment. “You just  _ had _ to say that, didn’t you?”

“I’m just telling her that you do, in fact, jack off.” Bucky shrugs, tossing a powdered donut in his mouth. 

“Oh yeah? Well I can hear you in the shower! Even over the noise of the water!” Steve answers, and immediately regrets it. Bucky leans forward and narrows his eyes, smiling slightly.

“Do you really think I care that you can hear me?” Bucky laughs, shaking his head with amusement. 

“Settle down, boys,” Natasha laughs, giving a sigh. “It’s not a competition.”

“Nat, you’re the worst of all three of us!” Bucky nudges her arm, laughing. “You’ve woken me up all the way from in here with how loud you’ve been.”

“What? No I have not!” She gasps, pushing him. 

“Actually…” Steve gives a half smile, shrugging. “He’s kind of right.”

“Steve!” She hits him with a pillow, gasping. “God, I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

“Hey, you brought it up,” Bucky interjects, giving a slight smile. 

“Be quiet, Barnes,” She retorts, but he just kisses her on the cheek even though she acts mad about it. But they can see the trace of a smile on her face. 

“I guess we have to start this movie now,” Steve sighs, unhappy about having to watch another horror movie.

“Yes, we do.”


	6. Contest

“Now that was just unrealistic,” Steve shakes his head, turning to Natasha as the movie ends. 

“God, Rogers, don't be such a killjoy,” Natasha groans, pushing his arm with a laugh. 

“Come on Nat, you know he would not have lived through that. Especially from the blood loss - he would have at  _ least  _ passed out. Definitely wouldn't have been able to get back up like that.” Steve shrugs, shaking his head.

“Mmm, talk dirty to me, Stevie,” Natasha purrs, trying not to laugh. 

“Don’t even joke about it or he’ll probably try it on Sharon.” Bucky looks at him laughing, and Steve smiles and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Then again, she  _ is  _ a police officer too. She might actually get off on it.”

“Come on, Buck, leave me alone,” Steve reaches over Natasha so he can hit Bucky in the head with a pillow. 

“Hey, I was just being honest,” Bucky smiles, shrugging his shoulders as he pops a few jelly beans in his mouth. “Jesus, the storm out there’s getting really bad.”

“I know. I keep hearing the thunder.” Natasha laughs, and it’s only a few seconds later when lightning strikes right outside the window. 

“Holy sh-” Steve starts to say, slightly jumping in his seat as the thunder rolls loudly right afterwards. 

“Steve just cursed! James did you hear it?” Natasha bumps Bucky’s arm excitedly, laughing. 

“I’ve heard him swear multiple times,” Bucky looks at him, laughing. “I think you forget we’ve known each other for basically our entire lives.”

“Man, I was convinced it was the first time he’s ever done it.” Natasha sighs with disappointment, leaning back against the couch. 

“I didn’t curse,” Steve corrects them, letting out a breath. “I  _ almost  _ did, but I didn’t.”

“Same thing,” Natasha laughs, lacing her fingers with Bucky’s. Steve looks away. He can’t for the life of him figure them out. “You know, I think I did hear you say  _ “damn this.”  _ under your breath when we were studying for that algebra midterm. Although for a while I thought it was just a figment of my imagination, I’m not so sure now.”

“That was so long ago, Nat, I can’t believe you remember if I said a curse word under my breath or not.” He laughs, shaking his head. 

“That’s a very important memory of mine, thank you very much,” She half-smiles, and then stands up to stretch, pulling her fingers from Bucky’s. “I’m starving. Let’s order pizza.”

“Hell yes,” Bucky agrees, tying his hair back in a bun again. “Hawaiin, please.”

“In this weather? I’m not going to make a pizza delivery man or woman go out in this if I don’t have to,” Steve replies, refusing to let them make the call. “Let’s just make something here.”

“Thank God someone in this apartment can cook.” Natasha laughs, grabbing Bucky’s hand and pulling him to the bar so they can be in the kitchen while Steve cooks. When Steve says something about cooking, that queues the laziness in Natasha and Bucky. The most he gets out of them is a set of the table.  _ Sometimes. _

“Honestly, I would have starved without Steve in college,” Bucky laughs, and Steve smiles as he opens the fridge, searching for something. 

“He’s right. One time I came back to the dorm after a long night of studying in the library, and he was dipping cheeto puffs in chocolate sauce. That was his dinner.” Steve shakes his head at the thought, laughing. “It made me sick.”

“I took up for him against bullies, and he cooked for me. I think it was an equal trade.” Bucky smiles over at Steve, giving that cheesy grin he always gives. “And I still stand by that snack, you know.”

“Yeah, well you shouldn’t,” Steve laughs, grabbing a few ingredients from the fridge. “So unhealthy, Buck.”

“What exactly do I bring to the table in this friendship then?” Natasha asks, smiling slightly as she looks at them. 

“Smarts. Cleanliness. Order.” Steve says almost instantly, as if he had already thought about it before. “Come on, Nat, we need you.”

“He’s right. And it smells good in here now, too. It used to smell horrible.” Bucky laughs, and Steve turns his back and smiles when he sees Bucky lean in and give her a kiss. 

“So smooth, Barnes,” She smiles against his lips, giving him another kiss. 

“Another thing you bring to the table,” He whispers between kisses, “Is being an amazing kisser.”

“Mmm, you aren’t so bad yourself,” She laughs, and Steve’s mixing water and powder together in a bowl when he hears the kissing stop. 

_ “You aren’t so bad?”  _ Bucky repeats, and Steve laughs quietly, his back still turned to them. “Am I a bad kisser or something? What’s going on here?”

“What do you mean?” Natasha asks, but they can both hear a hint of a laugh in her voice too. “You’re a great kisser.”

“I’m not though, am I? First Steve, then you. Am I really bad or is this some horrible ‘tear down Bucky’s self esteem’ inside conspiracy?” Bucky asks, his feelings obviously damaged. Now Steve feels a little bad about what he said earlier.

“James, come on, I didn’t mean anything. You’re an amazing kisser. I wouldn’t want to be kissing anyone else right now.” Natasha leans in, and presses a soft, intimate kiss to his lips. 

“It’s too late now.” Bucky pouts, sighing and turning away. “The damage is done.”

“If it’s that big of a deal, then I’ll tell you the truth,” Steve turns around, leaning his back against the counter. Bucky and Natasha both look over at him, swiveling in their stools. “I thought you were...a pretty good kisser. It wasn’t amazing, but maybe that just was because you were drunk. I’m sure you’re an amazing sober kisser.”

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better.” Bucky tilts his head, looking at Steve. “I can tell when you’re lying.”

“I’m not lying. You were a...you’re a good kisser.” Steve says, turning around to stir the dough again. 

“Jesus, there was a huge pause right there,” Bucky shakes his head, putting his face in his hands. “You know, you two are the only people who have complained about my kissing. I’ve been told I’m great, actually.”

“I’ve complimented you, James,” Natasha rolls her eyes, smiling as she takes a sip of wine. 

“This just isn’t fair because Steve didn’t even get the real experience. This is...no, you know what? This is not gonna happen. I’m not letting you go your whole life thinking I’m a terrible, sloppy kisser.” Bucky huffs, getting up from his chair. 

“No way,” Natasha grins, watching Bucky move. 

“Um...what are you…” Steve starts to say, backing up against the counter. 

“Steve, just shut up,” Bucky approaches him, and doesn’t hesitate one second before he grabs his face and presses his lips to Steve’s. His lips are soft but demanding, and it takes Steve a beat to relax because of his surprise. His hands are gripping the cabinet behind him, and then they finally ease up as Bucky slides his thumb across Steve’s jaw line. Steve isn’t sure what to do with his hands, so he hesitates a second, before setting them on Bucky’s waist. He can’t tell if it’s a weird thing to do, but Bucky doesn’t pull away so he assumes it was okay. He can feel the curve of his muscles beneath his hands, under his shirt. 

He doesn’t taste like alcohol like he did last night. The kiss is gentle, but it’s the kind that’s so real that it makes your head spin. After all of these years of knowing Bucky and doing everything together, it’s strange to feel him in a new way. Steve didn’t know it was possible to find something unfamiliar about each other, but this is. It’s new, but comforting in a way because it’s Bucky, and Bucky has always been there. He’s always been the one thing that doesn’t change even when everything else around is. Bucky is his constant.

After a few seconds the kiss starts slowing down, and then they pull away from each other. Steve’s a little breathless but tries to hide it, and Bucky’s breathless too, but he doesn’t mask it in any way. He takes a step back, pushing his hair behind his ear. Steve gulps, and Bucky just looks at him. 

A grin erupts on his face, and a laugh bubbles up his throat, even though it doesn’t seem like it fits in this moment. 

“So? Feedback?” He crosses his arms, tapping his foot on the floor impatiently. “Because I, personally, thought it was a great kiss.”

“Yeah, Buck,” Steve lets out a laugh, rubbing the back of his neck. “A lot of improvement.”

“Well did I move up on the list?” Bucky laughs, and Natasha’s propping her chin on her hand, listening for any comments. 

“Actually...yeah. Maybe even bumped up to second place. Sorry, but Sharon’s first.” Steve laughs lightly, turning around to knead the dough in his hands. He swallows thickly, sprinkling some more flour onto the dough. 

“Yes!” Bucky slams his hand against Steve’s back, proud. 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Natasha stands up from her chair, crossing her arms. “You’ve kissed me too, Rogers. Where am I on the list?”

Steve knows he's trapped now. He hadn't even thought about the fact that he kissed Natasha too last night. 

He shuts his eyes and stops his movements, trying to come up with something to stay.

“You guys are both tied for second, okay?” He finally says, and there's no sort of hesitation before Bucky turns him around. “What?”

“There can’t be a tie. That’s just something you’re saying to spare our feelings.” Bucky crosses his arms, and Steve sighs and shakes his head. He tries to look Bucky in the eyes, but now he feels a little weird. His eyes keep falling down to stare at Bucky’s lips, strangely intrigued by the way that after all of these years, he can still experience new things with him.

“Yeah, he's right,” Natasha stands next to Bucky, narrowing her eyes. “Choose the better kisser, Rogers.”

Bucky notices him looking at his mouth once, and he leans back against the counter and smiles smugly. Steve looks away instantly, blushing slightly as he clears his throat.

“I think he's already chosen.” Bucky smiles proudly, and Natasha furrows her eyebrows. 

“What? He didn't even say anything.” Natasha bumps Bucky's arm, confused.

“Awww _ ,  _ little Stevie wants to kiss me again,” Bucky sighs, grinning. “He’s already chosen, Nat, so just forget about it.”

“Shut up, Buck,” Steve says under his breath, turning back around to finish making dinner. 

“This  _ cannot  _ be happening,” Natasha says, throwing her hands in the air. “Steve, turn around.”

“Come on, I’m trying to m-” Steve groans, but before he can even answer, Natasha has already turned him around, and pressed him against the counter. 

“I didn’t get a fair chance to kiss you last night, either,” Natasha tells him, reaching up and lightly scratching her fingers through his hair. Bucky huffs, rolling his eyes. 

“Nat-” Steve start to say, but she presses her index finger against his lips. 

“Shh,” She whispers, with a hint of a smirk on her face. Then her fingers curl around the back of his neck, and she’s pulling him towards her. Finally he gives in, letting their lips brush against each others effortlessly. His eyes flicker closed, and he sets his hands on her waist, picking her up just slightly so he doesn’t have to bend his back to reach her. 

She smiles into the kiss, letting her hand roam down his chest, and then over his abs. He’s already breathless now, and he can tell she’s trying an entirely different approach than Bucky did. Then suddenly Steve can feel her tongue lightly tracing his lips, silently asking for entrance, so he parts them to let her.

“Whoa, okay, stop,” Bucky pulls them apart, shaking his head. “That’s enough.”

“But the fun was only just starting,” Natasha smiles at Steve, winking. He’s grinning like a complete idiot while he wipes his lips off with the back of his hand. 

“Come on, Nat, you’re such a cheater,” Bucky throws his hands in the air, rolling his eyes. 

“What, jealous, Barnes?” She turns around, smirking at Bucky. “Of him...or me?”

“Shut up,” Bucky huffs, wrapping his arms around her. 

“Make me,” She raises an eyebrow, biting her lip seductively. 

“I will,” He grumbles, pulling her in and kissing her desperately. It’s definitely safe to say he’s jealous. 

Steve, still a little shocked from what just happened a few seconds ago, turns back around and tries to finally finish making the pizza dough. Now he’s just distracted and shaky and unable to focus. 

“Wait,” Bucky pulls away from Nat a few seconds later, narrowing his eyes. “You still didn’t choose the better kisser.” 

“Yeah, well it’s already come inbetween us enough,” Steve sighs, turning around with a half smile on his face. “So neither of you will ever know who the better kisser is.”

“No, Steve, come on. That’s not fair.” Bucky protests, crossing his arms. 

“Yeah, Steve, just tell us! No hard feelings.” Natasha pleads, pressing her hand gently against his arm. 

“No! No way, that’s cheating. You can’t just seduce him so he’ll choose you, Nat,” Bucky pulls her hand from Steve’s arm, and laces their fingers together. She just laughs. 

“This is hard, okay? I’m not going to choose. I’m in a tight spot here.” Steve laughs uncomfortably, shoving his hands in his pockets. 

“We won’t fight about it after, promise,” Natasha begs, giving her best puppy dog eyes. Steve looks away, lowering his head. 

“No. You know what, if it’s ‘so easy,’ then why don’t you choose? Nat, who’s the better kisser: me or Bucky?” Steve asks, crossing his arms as he leans back against the counter, waiting. 

She opens her mouth for a second, and then clamps it shut. Steve, knowing she’s not going to answer, turns to Bucky. 

“Buck? Me or Nat?” He asks, expecting the same answer from him that he got from Natasha: silence.

Bucky hesitates a second, looking between them both. He looks down at Steve’s lips, trying to remember exactly the way they kissed. Steve shifts uncomfortably, and Bucky notices because he looks up in Steve’s eyes and gives a lopsided grin. Then he looks at Natasha, studying her too. 

“Steve’s right. I can’t choose.” Bucky sighs, still smiling. “You’re both good.”

“See?” Steve gulps, laughing. It actually feels good that, even though Bucky and Natasha are practically dating, they still can’t choose each other as the better kisser. It’s probably only because they want to spare Steve’s feelings, but Steve still feels proud. “It’s hard.”

“Hmm, I bet it is,” Bucky looks at Steve dead in the eye when he says it, and then glances down at his crotch. Then he smiles like nothing just happened, and kisses Natasha’s forehead. “But whatever. I still think I’m the best.”

Steve is pretty used to Bucky acting this way. Joking that Steve has a boner isn’t something out of the ordinary, but right after kissing him, it just feels out of place. Steve just pretends nothing happened and went about his business rolling out the pizza dough.

“Shut up, Barnes,” Natasha laughs too, putting her arm around his waist.  _ “I’m  _ the best.”

“That’s cute that you think that, Tash. Really.” Bucky sighs, and Natasha lightly punches his arm, grinning. Steve just keeps making the pizza, trying to process everything that just happened.


	7. Scared

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the feedback! It means a lot, it really does. I've decided that I'm going to update on Tuesday's and Friday's from here on out. If they're short chapters I may update three times a week, so you can check back and see if you want to :)

“Come on, Steve, I  _ promise  _ this is the last one,” Natasha insists, putting in the  _ Insidious  _ DVD. 

They just finished dinner a few minutes ago, and Steve is protesting watching another scary movie since it's  _ “so close to bedtime”   _ which, of course, Natasha and Bucky make fun of him for. 

“I guess I don’t really have a say in this, though, do I?” He sighs, shaking his head disapprovingly. 

“No, not really,” Natasha laughs, turning the lights out as she gets back onto the couch. 

“Didn’t think so,” He mutters under his breath, his nerves already jumping just from the main menu. 

By the end of it, he’s decided that was the scariest movie they’ve watched yet.

“Steve is scared!” Natasha gushes, holding their linked hands up to show Bucky. “He’s been squeezing my hand every time a scary part comes on. Isn’t that cute?”

“Is his hand sweating? His hands always sweat when he’s scared.” Bucky laughs, reaching over and squeezing Steve’s shoulder. 

“Can you two just leave me alone for once? You can’t admit you aren’t scared,” He shakes his head, smiling at their immaturity as he gets up to turn the lights on.

“It’s cute, Steve,” Natasha holds her arms out, and sticks out her bottom lip like a toddler. “Come here.” 

“No,” He crosses his arms, fighting a smile as he looks down at the floor. 

“Awww, I think we hurt his feelings, Nat,” Bucky lays his head on her shoulder, looking at Steve with a smile. 

“Come here, Stevie,” Natasha holds her arms out again, using her hands to signal him closer. “Or we’re coming to you.”

“I’m not sure how I ended up with these two terrible roommates,” Steve finally shakes his head, smiling. He purposely puts all of his weight on them as he splays his body over theirs, relaxing back against the couch as they groan. 

“You know you love us,” Natasha says in a strained voice, and he finally feels bad enough to get up and sit down normally. 

“You sure about that?” Steve laughs, reaching over and messing up Natasha’s hair. 

“God, you’re heavy,” Bucky still has to take another breath, laughing. 

Before Natasha or Steve can even laugh, lightning strikes, and then the lights turn off. Without the small lights of the city outside the window, it’s completely dark. Steve can’t even see his hand in front of his face. 

Natasha screams out immediately, clutching at Bucky’s shirt. 

“The power went out?” Steve asks, gulping as he grabs onto Natasha for dear life. 

“Both of you are such babies, it’s not eve-” Bucky starts laughing, and then thunder booms through the apartment, and he’s the first to yell. 

“I knew we shouldn’t have watched those stupid scary movies,” Steve breathes out, trying to keep calm. 

“The lights should be back on any second now…” Natasha says, but it sounds more hopeful than confident. 

“God, now I can’t stop thinking about that stupid thing from Sinister,” Bucky says, and now Steve can’t stop thinking about it either. It standing there watching them, lurking towards them in the darkness, lightning striking and they can see the outline of it’s body right before it kills them…

“I can’t stay in here.” Natasha audibly gulps, and they’re all clutching each other tightly. 

“Let’s plan for the worst,” Bucky insists, and none of them can see each other still. The rain is beating down so hard on the windows that it sounds like it’s going to break right through the glass any second. “Steve, your bed is the biggest. If the power comes back on, great. If it doesn’t, though, I’m not sleeping alone. So let’s make a run for it to your room.”

“I’m in,” Steve agrees, but none of them even make any sort of movement. “Do we not have  _ any  _ lanterns around here anywhere? Really.”

“No,” Natasha laughs nervously, and every second they’re all growing scareder. “We’re kind of idiots.”

“Yeah, we are,” Bucky says under his breath, and all Steve can imagine is that there’s a serial killer behind them, about to go in for the kill. 

“God, it feels like we’re the jackasses in a horror movie right now,” Natasha says, making Steve get chills. 

“Let’s just go. Let’s go right now.” Bucky pulls at Nat’s shirt, and Nat pulls at Steve’s shirt. From the moment they stand up to when they’re all secure in Steve’s bed with the door shut, it’s only been about five whole seconds. 

“Why the hell did we watch those movies again?” Natasha asks breathlessly, lying right in the middle of both of them. 

“Christ, why do I have to be the one that’s the closest to the door? Something could snatch me up from under the bed any second.” Bucky grumbles, not even trying to hide his terror anymore.

“I’ve got you,” Natasha wraps her arms around his waist, securing her grip on him. Steve’s jammed against the wall, but he doesn’t mind that, really. He’s just glad he isn’t on the edge like Bucky. 

It takes hours for them to fall asleep. It’s always about two minutes before Steve’s right on the edge of falling unconscious, that there’s a loud roll of thunder outside, making them all become wide awake and scared again. But eventually they all do drift off. even if it’s off and on. 

“Mmm, what a night,” Natasha yawns, and Steve can vaguely hear her and Bucky whisper for a few minutes. His back is turned the other way and he doesn’t want to intrude, so he just pretends he’s asleep. He just notices that it’s light outside. 

He hears them kiss, and then feels a weight being lifted off the bed, and quiet footsteps padding across the floor. After about five minutes, Steve turns around, faking to wake up. He puts his arm around a pillow, yawning. 

“Where’s Buck?” He asks, looking over at Natasha on her phone. It makes a clicking sound as she locks it, dropping it on the bed. 

“Went to go get us donuts. He says he’s hungry, but I’m pretty sure he just really, really wants to see daylight again.” Natasha smiles sleepily, rubbing her eyes. “The power’s back on now. Sorry for making you watch those movies.”

“Nah, don’t apologize,” He says in his raspy morning voice, adjusting his position and pressing his back against the wall behind him. “I’m just glad I actually got a few hours of sleep.”

“Me too,” She laughs, looking down at her hands. “James was so scared. I felt him tossing and turning the entire night.”

Steve hesitates there a second, thinking. He never really gets time to talk one-on-one with Natasha, so he know this is the perfect moment. 

“Can I ask you a question, Nat?” He asks gently, and she must sense the seriousness in his tone because she sits up, furrowing her eyebrows. 

“Of course you can. What’s up?” She smiles, curious to see what he wants to know. 

“Just don’t get mad, okay?” He sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. She nods. “How do you feel about Bucky? Really?”

She looks away and smiles, shaking her head. 

“He’s my friend, Rogers,”

“No. No, I mean do you feel more than that with him?” He asks, searching her face. She’s always been able to hide anything she wants from people, and that makes this so much harder. But Steve’s just counting on the fact that maybe she’ll trust him, and maybe she’ll tell him the truth. “You two kiss and cuddle, and I don’t know what else you, uh...do. Call me old fashioned, but that’s not how most friends spend time with each other.”

“We haven’t had sex, if that’s what you’re saying,” The smile drops from her face, and she starts chewing on the inside of her cheek. It’s rare to see her this way. “He doesn’t want that with me.”

“What do you mean? He looks like he wants... _ that _ all the time with you,” Steve furrows his eyebrows, suddenly confused. 

_ “Right?!”  _ She huffs, shaking her head. “He’ll start stuff. Like, he’ll kiss my neck, or start making out with me, but once it starts getting serious, he always  _ always  _ stops it. I don’t get why, because it isn’t as if  _ I’m  _ the one starting it all. It’s always him.”

“Really? Wow,” Steve takes all of that in, not sure what to say. “I just...that’s so weird, you know? I thought it was always you who turned him down when it started getting, uh...heated. Because yesterday after you two were kissing on the couch, he looked like he was about to take your clothes off right then and there.”

“I know! So I don’t get why he stops it every time.” Natasha breathes out, obviously frustrated. “And he seemed...I don’t know, jealous yesterday after I kissed you. I mean...right?”

“Yeah. Yeah, definitely. He stopped our kiss, and then grabbed you and kissed you. He seemed pretty jealous to me.” Steve admits, wondering if he should talk to Bucky about this, because neither of them are emotionally stable enough to talk about it themselves. “So do you want, uh, just... _ you know _ , or do you want to really be with him?”

He waits a few minutes, watching Natasha think. She’s looking down at the blanket, gulping. Then she turns to Steve with tears filling her eyes, smiling slightly with sadness. 

“I’m...I’m in love with him,” Her voice breaks, and she lets out a small sob that she can’t control. 

“Oh, Nat,” Steve leans in and wraps his arms around her tightly. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” She cries, and Steve feels honored that she’s showing this side of herself to him. As far as he knows, she’s never showed it to anyone. “He doesn’t love me back. And I’ve loved him for so long, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want him.”

“Then go after him, Nat,” Steve pulls back, looking into her swollen eyes. “I’m sure he’s terrified of the same thing: you not loving him back, or scared to mess up the friendship you both have. But I think you should go for it. It doesn’t have to be now, I’m not saying that. But one day when you’re ready. Besides, you’re basically a couple now anyway, right? You can spare a little while if you’re scared. But don’t let that dictate your life.”

“What do you think he’ll say if I tell him?” Natasha bites her lip worriedly, sniffing. 

“It’s always been hard to tell when Bucky likes someone. He flirts with everyone, really. But with you two it seems different. He flirts with you, yeah, but he’s also your friend. So I think there may be something there.” He shrugs, and small smile is all it takes to brighten her face. 

“I just don’t want things to be different with us, you know? I don’t want to lose what we have. We’re so close now, and I know if he doesn’t feel the same way, the things we do now will be...awkward, to say the least,” She sighs, shaking her head. 

“Bucky...I don’t know how to explain him, really. He’s very complex in how he shows his emotions. I think when he stops you from going all the way, that’s his way of saying he’s scared too. Maybe he’s afraid it might change things like you are.” He explains, trying to console her by gently rubbing her back. 

“Yeah. Yeah, maybe so.” She nods, wiping the tears off of her face. 

“Listen. You’re the strongest person I know, you know that? You can do this. Bucky’s never really even dated anyone, except if you count those month-long flings he’s had. And if he doesn’t want to  _ just  _ sleep with you, that means something. I don’t agree with his views on that at all, but my opinion doesn’t change it, I guess. But really. You mean so much to him, Nat. To both of us.” He gives her a supportive smile, and she wraps her arms around his neck in a hug. 

“Thank you so much, Steve,” She laughs, and he feels tears soaking her shirt. “I don’t know what I would do without you two.”

“You would be fine. But I’m glad you’re here.” He laughs, and she pulls back and laughs too. Then they hear the front door open, and Natasha quickly wipes away any sort of indication that she had been crying, and throws on a smile. 

“I got your favorites,” Bucky sighs, smiling at them in the bedroom doorway. “Nat, two raspberry jelly-filled glazed for you, and a half-dozen of plain chocolate for you, Steve.”

“Thanks, James,” Natasha smiles at him, and he smiles too before turning around to go to the kitchen. 

“And thank you too, Rogers,” She turns to him and he nods. She leans in and gives him a soft kiss on the cheek, and then gently wipes the spot with her finger. 

“No problem, Romanoff,” He laughs, grabbing her hand and pulling her into the kitchen, trying to cheer her up.

He tried not to show it to Natasha too much, but he's pretty confused now at the way Bucky’s been acting. Yeah, he acts like a couple with her, but Steve finds something strange about the fact that  _ he  _ won't sleep with  _ her.  _ It either means that he really loves her and doesn't want to ruin anything, or it could mean he knows she likes him, and doesn't want to hurt her feelings because he doesn't feel the same way. It's all a big mess that he knows he's going to have to be the one to fix.  



	8. Gym

“Why are you two acting so weird?” Bucky looks up at them and narrows his eyes, his mouth full of donut. 

“We aren’t,” Steve replies, glancing over at Natasha who's sitting next to him. “Right, Nat?”

“Right,” She nods, unable to even look up at either of them. Bucky examines both of them, not even slightly convinced. “Nothing’s wrong.”

“Fine, then. Don’t let me in on it. See if I care.” He shrugs nonchalantly, munching down on his donut and studying the newspaper. Steve can tell he’s in lots of torment right now not knowing. He’s extremely nosy, but he doesn’t own up to it like Natasha does.

“I remember a promise being made about us doing whatever I want to do today,” Steve ignores Bucky and turns to Natasha, and she sighs. 

“What is it, Rogers?” She half-smiles, half shakes her head. “Your choice.”

“Here we go,” Bucky says under his breath, and Steve once again ignores it. 

“Let’s all go to the gym and work out. It’s been so long since we’ve all gotten to go together.” He says, and Natasha just looks at him; her expression unreadable just like it always is.

“Steve, me and James are there every day. Literally.” She bites her lip, but she looks like she can be persuaded otherwise. 

“But I don’t get to go with you. We used to all work out at the same time but we can’t anymore, and I miss it. And you know I’m not one who can just sit around all day, and I had plenty of that yesterday.” He looks at her, silently pleading with his eyes as best as he can. “I need something to liven me up.”

“Steve, come on, this is our only day off. Do you really want us to go to work?” Bucky groans, flicking dried donut glaze on him.

“It’s not work if you’re going to use the place. Besides, if you don’t want to go that bad, then me and Nat can just go, then.” Steve shrugs, and that immediately changes Bucky’s mind because he feels left out. He's always been a sensitive one, he just doesn't show it much.

“No, I mean...I guess I don’t mind,” Bucky tucks his hair behind his ear, looking down at his plate. Natasha is grinning, and Steve’s trying not to show his own. “You are looking a little smaller if I do say so myself.”

“Shut up, Buck,” Steve laughs, now excited they’re all going. “Now I really feel like I need to work all of this junk food off.”

“You ate donuts one weekend. I'm pretty sure the world isn't going to end.” Natasha laughs, reaching over to ruffle Steve’s hair.

“All the same, I feel like I need to do something.” He laughs and shoos her hand away, getting up from the table. “I'm gonna go get dressed. Let's leave in ten.”

“We’re getting lunch after, right?” Bucky whines, and Steve laughs. 

“Yes, Bucky, we can go get lunch afterwards,” Steve shakes his head, closing his door. “But we have to come back and get showers first!”

“Of course, idiot!” Bucky says from the kitchen, making Steve laugh and shake his head.

When they're all ready, they leave the apartment and start walking down the sidewalk. It only takes about fifteen minutes to walk before they arrive. 

“I'm gonna hit the treadmill,” Natasha says, pulling off her shirt and revealing a sports bra. She grabs a towel and throws it over her shoulder, walking to the other side of the room and plugging one side of earphones into her ear. 

“Spot me?” Steve asks, laying down on the bench press. Bucky nods, and positions himself behind the bar. 

“So…” Steve says after a few minutes, straining his arms as he lifts the weight. “You and Nat.”

“What about us?” Bucky laughs, as if he doesn't know where this conversation is leading. 

“Come on, Buck, you know what I'm trying to say,” Steve breathes out, and Bucky just sighs and takes the weight and sets it back up.

“We’ve had this damn talk a million times,” Bucky says under his breath, pushing his hair back with frustration. He keeps checking to make sure Natasha isn't paying them any attention.

“Yeah, but with never an end conclusion,” Steve sits up and turns to him, shaking his head. “Do you want to be with her? Really be with her?”

“Jesus, Steve, no,” Bucky acts like he can't even believe Steve’s asking. “I've told you that before. We’re just friends, okay?”

“But you know that's not how she sees it, don't you? I know you aren't as naive about this situation as you pretend you are.”  
Steve answers, taking up an offense for Natasha. “This isn't right, what you've been doing to her. Especially if you don't plan on going to the next level with it. You're leading her on, and I won't let you hurt her like that.”

Bucky gulps and looks at the floor, ashamed. His face softens almost instantly, and he shakes his head.

“I don't know how I feel about Natasha. I'm...confused.” He breathes out, looking in Steve’s eyes with fear. 

“What's there to be confused about? If you like her, that's great. Amazing, actually. But if you don't, the world isn't going to end. You know I'll support you either way, Buck, but I can't let you keep doing this to her.” Steve puts his hand on Bucky’s shoulder supportively. 

“Yeah, you're right,” Bucky let's out a nervous laugh, gulping. “You're right. I just need some time to think about how I feel.”

“I agree,” Steve pats his shoulder, and then pulls him in for a hug. “It'll be alright.”

“I know. Thanks,” Bucky laughs as they pull away. Then he clears his throat. “Now get back on that thing. Don't think I didn't see through your attempt to do as little as possible.”

“Can we go to the pool now?” Natasha breathes out, after about an hour and a half of them working out.

“I agree,” Bucky pants, pulling his shirt off. And now every female in the entire room’s attention is suddenly now focused on Bucky’s sweaty abs. “It's so hot.”

“Yeah, let's go. But we can't just jump in; we have to wash off in the showers first to be sanitary.” Steve insists, leading the way to the showers. 

“You know, it's pretty annoying how you always have to follow the rules,” Bucky bumps his arm with his own on the way to the showers. 

“Yeah, Rogers,” Natasha sighs, walking backwards as she heads to the women's showers. “It is a little annoying.”

“Yeah, yeah, but you two would get in way too much trouble without me. Meet us in five minutes at the pool.” Steve tells Natasha, and she turns around and gives a slight wave of her hand before she disappears through the door.

Steve and Bucky both quickly shower off, and once they're finished, Steve self consciously wraps a towel over his shoulders to cover his exposed chest. Bucky walks out in only his shorts, as confident as ever. Steve always wished he could be like Bucky in that way.

“There's my boys,” Natasha's in the pool room, leaning against a wall with a smile on her face. Steve can immediately smell the scent of chlorine burning his nose. “I was beginning to wonder if you two might have joined shower stalls.”

“Oh, we did,” Bucky lowers his voice, winking at Steve and jokingly scanning his eyes over him. “We like to conserve water.”

“We d- no, we didn't do...that.” Steve shakes his head, flustered at the way Natasha is raising her eyebrow suggestively at him. He should be used to this by now. Bucky and Natasha have been purposely putting Steve in these awkward situations for years, and now they've even teamed up on it. “I mean, not that, you know...I don't want to conserve water, but…”

“Come on, dork,” Natasha grabs his arm and laughs, pulling him to the pool. “And take this towel off. You have a hot body, Steve; show it off!”

“Um...okay.”


	9. Lunch Plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said the updates would be Tuesdays and Fridays, but I surprisingly had a lot of time to write this over the weekend! So watch for another on Tuesday or Wednesday :)

“I'm just gonna hang out up here,” Steve shakes his head, watching them beckon him into the water. Bucky and Natasha have already jumped in. 

“What? Why would you do that?” Natasha scoffs with hurt, furrowing her eyebrows. “Just get in.”

“Steve, come on,” Bucky swims to the edge, looking up at him. “Have some fun.”

“I'm fine, really,” Steve laughs and shakes his head, self consciously crossing his arms. He never fully got rid of the insecurities he had in high school. “It looks cold anyway.”

“Fine, if you aren't getting in, we can just leave,” Bucky shakes his head, and reaches his hand up for Steve to pull him out. “Help me.”

“No, I don't want you guys not to have fun just because I don't want to swim,” Steve sighs, grabbing Bucky’s hand reluctantly. Then suddenly Bucky grabs his hand with both of his, and pushes off the side of the pool with his feet. Steve immediately loses his balance, and falls into the water face first. 

“I guess I should have seen that coming,” Steve wipes the water from his eyes as he emerges, and pushes his wet hair back. 

“Everyone needs a little push sometimes, pal,” Bucky laughs, reaching over and ruffling Steve’s hair. 

“Jerk,” Steve laughs, using his hand to splash at Bucky. Then he turns to her, splashing her too. “You were in on it too, I'm sure.”

“Rogers!” She gasps, wiping the water from her eyes. “Ohhhhh, you're gonna pay for that.”

“Yeah, he is,” Bucky laughs too, and Natasha and Bucky both use their combined strength to push Steve underwater. While underwater he puts his arms around both of their waists, and using all of his strength, picks them up and dunks  _ them  _ underwater. 

“Ha!” He laughs, watching them spit and sputter as they emerge. The children in the shallow end of the pool look at Steve strangely, so he just turns and shuts his mouth. 

“Dick,” Bucky says under his breath, laughing. 

“I guess we’re all even now, yeah?” Natasha laughs, using both of her hands to push her hair away from her face. 

“I guess,” Steve laughs, giving her one last small splash. 

“There's our fun Steve,” Bucky grins, flicking water on him. “It just takes a little to maneuver through the uptight exterior.”

“Hey, I'm not uptight!” He protests, looking at Natasha for support. She just measures a small bit with her finger, trying not to laugh. “Ah, shut up.” 

“I'm just joking. You know we love you, Stevie,” She stands up on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek, even though he still has to lean down for her to reach. 

“Mhmm, sure you do,” He laughs, shaking his head. Then Bucky comes behind Natasha and wraps his arms around her, kissing her neck like he always does. So Steve starts doing laps around the pool, trying to pretend like he doesn’t notice them. 

“Can you two just get a room already?” Steve finally says, after about ten minutes of swimming alone. “Let’s goooo. I’m hungry.”

“Just one,” Natasha breathes out, and Steve looks away as she kisses Bucky’s jaw, “More,” Now his neck, “Second.” Then his collarbone. Her hands are pressed firmly against his abs, and his chest is rising and falling rapidly. 

“Okay, I’m gonna go get dressed then,” Steve shakes his head, pressing his hands to the outside of the pool and pulling himself up. That statement finally grabs Bucky’s attention, so he pulls away from Natasha and sighs. 

“Fine, you big baby,” Bucky stands up, leaving Natasha against the edge of the pool. Her pupils are dilated to about three times the size that they normally are. She licks her lips and gulps, and Steve helps her up while Bucky gets out. She looks at Steve, and that’s all it takes for him to realize what she’s feeling. All it is to Bucky is making out, when to her...it’s much more than that. And it hurts her worse and worse each time. Bucky is completely clueless to this. 

“I’m hungry too anyway. What do you wanna get, Tash?” Bucky asks, sliding his arm around her waist, and smiling that big smile again. Her happiness comes back almost instantly, but Steve wishes that she would snap on him just  _ one time,  _ and then maybe that would make him realize what he has being doing to her. Instead she acts like nothing’s wrong, and he still doesn’t understand how badly he’s hurting her. They’re going around and around in circles, and Steve just has to stand by and watch it happen. 

“I don’t care; anything is fine. I’m just hungry.” She laughs, letting him nuzzle his face against her neck on the way out of the pool room. Steve’s walking behind them, sick at how easy she is to forgive his behaviour. 

And the worst part of all of this is that he  _ knows  _ Bucky isn’t doing this on purpose. Bucky’s always been laid back - much more so than Steve - and that’s why he is just seeing this as a casual “I kiss my friend - so what?” kind of way. That’s how Natasha is normally too, just like she is with Steve, but when you contribute in the whole “I’m in love with him” factor, it’s a little different. 

But Bucky is Bucky, and Steve did what he could by talking to him earlier. Bucky isn’t stupid; he most likely does know how Natasha feels about him, no matter how amazing she is at hiding her feelings for anyone. So Bucky is probably just testing the waters; seeing what it would be like to date her without _actually_ dating her quite yet. Steve obviously doesn’t agree with that particular method, but if that’s what it takes for Bucky to make his decision on whether he loves her back, then Steve’s just going to wait it out. He knows Bucky doesn’t want to hurt her, just as much as _Steve_ doesn’t want him to hurt her. Bucky wouldn’t be doing this to her if he didn’t think there’s a good chance they would be together anyway. So this should all be fine, Steve decides.

...Right?

He doesn’t want to think about that now, so he shoves that into the back of his mind as best as he can and follows them out. 

“I didn’t exactly think about spare clothes,” Steve says, walking beside them and covering himself with a towel. 

“Don’t worry, I have some in the employee closet. Just a sec. Oh, Nat, do you want me to grab you some too?” Bucky turns around, and she smiles. 

“No, I brought some with me. Thanks.” She laughs, and he just smiles and kisses her before striding down the hall almost naked. 

“Jesus Christ, he is so  _ hot,”  _ She bites her lip, looking like she’s in actual pain. “I mean...isn’t he?”

“I...yeah, I guess so,” Steve shrugs, looking at Natasha cautiously, expecting a weird glance. But he doesn’t get one; she just lays her head on his shoulder, sighing longingly. 

Steve has thought about if Bucky is good-looking or not, just like he has with any other friends. It's normal to be able to tell if someone is attractive, and Bucky is. That's no big deal.

“You're a softie too, you know,” Steve bumps her arm, smiling teasingly. “You love Bucky.”

“Shut up, Rogers!” Her mouth drops open, but he can still see the smile behind it. She lightly punches his arm, but he just grins and shakes his head. “I'm  _ not  _ a softie.”

“Yes you are. You can hide it well, I'll admit that, but you definitely are.” He pokes her side, and she pushes him away, covering her face in her hands. 

“I'm not,” She refuses again, and then Bucky starts walking back in with an arm full of clothes. 

“You aren't what?” He asks, throwing the clothes at Steve. Steve catches them against his stomach, his laugh dying out into a nervous cough. 

“I'm not...upset that we came,” She wraps her arms around Bucky's bare torso, looking up at him. “Steve was just checking to make sure I had a good time.”

“And did you?” He asks, holding her against him and smiling. He leans down and gently bumps his nose with hers, and she smiles even bigger; her eyes twinkling. 

“Oh, it was amazing,” She sighs, rubbing her nose against his too. Then she leans up and presses her lips against his, closing her eyes. Steve just laughs and slips by them, going to the men’s room to get dressed. Yeah, they’re definitely going to date. 

After getting dressed, they walk home and take turns in the shower. Steve goes first, scrubbing off the smell of chlorine from his skin and hair. 

“Can you hurry? There are two other people waiting, you know!” Natasha bangs on the door, groaning. 

“Just a second!” He replies, pulling on a pair of pants. Right as he’s zipping them up, Natasha’s already in the bathroom pushing him out. She had picked the lock. 

“Come on, Nat, that’s not fair,” He protests, but she’s pushing him out of the room by his arm. 

“Neither is taking a twenty minute shower when your two best friends are starving for lunch,” She gives a big, fake smile, before shoving the door in his face. He shakes his head and sighs, wiping the dampness off of his neck and collarbones with the towel he managed to grab before Natasha pushed him out. He gets to his room and uses the towel to dry off his hair.

“So what are we gonna eat?” Bucky asks, making Steve turn around in surprise. Bucky’s gaze glances over Steve’s chest, before smiling as he looks up to his eyes. He’s leaning against the doorway with his arms crossed. 

“Not sure. I was thinking maybe that little cafe downtown. Uh, by…”

“The one right by the antique shop with the old lady,” Bucky finishes, nodding his head. “Yeah, I remember.”

“It has great chicken salad.” Steve laughs, pulling a shirt on over his head. 

“Yeah, that’s fine with me,” Bucky nods his head and lets out a breath, and Steve watches him for a second. 

“You okay?” Steve asks quietly, and Bucky looks up and pushes his lips together. “I didn’t mean to put pressure on you about Nat. I just...I don’t know. I really don’t want to see her hurt. Or you either, Buck.”

“I know, and it’s not you. I just can’t figure out how I feel about her, and I’m just...scared. Because shouldn’t I just  _ know  _ if I want to be with her? It shouldn’t be taking me this long to figure out, right?” Bucky whispers back, looking up at Steve like he’s scared; terrified that he’s gone too far with this and there’s no turning back. And he can’t blame Natasha for thinking he feels that way about her, because he’s just  _ so damn confused  _ about every bit of this, and he wishes he had a clear decision, because he loves her, he does, but he may have gotten too caught up finding out  _ how  _ he loves her, that he didn’t even stop to  _ think _ about it. 

Steve opens his mouth to say something, console him maybe, but then they hear the bathroom door open. Bucky’s face changes instantly, and Steve shuts his mouth.

“James, you’re up for the shower!” Natasha yells, and they can hear her feet padding through the apartment. Without another word, Bucky slips out of Steve’s room and he hears the bathroom door shut soon after. 

He doesn’t want to see either of them hurt. But right now, as much as he wants Bucky happy, he can’t help but selfishly think about how much easier this would be if he just loved Natasha back. This is a much worse situation than Steve previously thought it was, and he has absolutely no idea how to fix it. 


	10. Strip Tease

Bucky and Steve don't talk about that conversation again that day. Steve tries to look at him a few times, just trying to see if he's okay or not, but if Bucky wouldn't have come to him earlier about it, Steve wouldn't have even been able to tell anything's wrong at all. He's a lot like Nat in that way.

“Let's take a cab. That's like a twenty minute walk from here.” Natasha throws her hand out, drawing the attention of a cab driver immediately. It always takes Steve forever to flag one down.

“I can't wait to get their chicken drenched in that wonderful cranberry sauce. I can taste it already.” Natasha rubs her hands together, making Steve laugh.

“That's gross, Nat,” He shakes his head, and she just sighs and lays her head back against the seat, looking at Bucky.

“James, what do you get?” She asks, intertwining their fingers together. He turns to her and smiles, scanning her face.

“I like the salmon. It doesn’t taste extremely fishy like some restaurants.” He shrugs, as if he’s suddenly an expert on the level of fishiness taste that seafood has.

The morning goes by, quickly turning afternoon as they eat their lunch. Then they get home, enjoying the second half of their lazy Sunday by playing card games. They play poker with dollar bills, and of course Natasha wins every game.

“It’s not even strategy, Nat, it’s only because you’re the best liar.” An already-drunk Bucky groans, taking another sip of his beer after losing another $16.

“Well that’s strategy in itself, isn’t it?” She shrugs, pulling in all of the $36 dollars she won into her arms.

“I’m out,” Steve throws his hands up, leaning back in his chair. “I’m gonna have to pull out a loan if I keep going.”

“Boooo, Steve,” Natasha laughs, throwing a dollar at him.

“Hey, if I back out then can I get money thrown at me too?” Bucky asks, and Natasha laughs.

“How about…” Natasha looks him up and down, and then tilts her head, biting her lip. “You strip for me and Steve, and I’ll give you all of this.”

Steve just shakes his head, laughing. “You two are out of hand.”

“All I have to do is strip? For all of that?” Bucky asks, pointing at the money in her hand. She spreads it all across the table, and then leans back in her chair, pressing ‘play’ on her phone. Music immediately comes booming from it, and she grins.

“All of it,” She nods, both of them keeping eye contact. “Every $36 dollars worth.” She continues, snatching the dollar bill out of Steve’s hand, and slapping it on the table next to the others. Steve just shakes his head once again.

Bucky stands up on his chair suddenly, making Natasha start yelling and laughing, cheering him on.

“You have to stop drinking so much, Buck, the only outcome is that you embarrass yourself," Steve groans, unable to keep the grin off of his face. He has no idea how they're even friends; they're so completely different that it seems like it should be impossible. But it's not, and even though they're different, he knows nothing would ever be able to separate them. He just wishes Bucky would stop being so _stupid_ sometimes.

"You love it, Steve," Bucky replies over the music, laughing. That's when he pulls off his shirt, and throws it on Steve. Natasha's clapping her hands, and she's about to fall out of her chair with how hard she's laughing.

"This is so worth thirty-six dollars," She wipes the tears from her eyes, and Bucky's trying not to laugh himself, as he takes his belt off and starts twirling it in the air over his head. Then it hits the ceiling, and he starts losing balance.

"Oh sh-" He starts to say, but he manages to catch himself falling and land on his feet. He just laughs it off and starts back again, beginning to unbutton his pants.

Steve pinches the bridge of his nose, sighing and laughing simultaneously.

“Give Steve a lap dance!” Natasha laughs, stuffing a dollar in the waistband of his boxers.

“What? No,” Steve sits up in his chair, holding his hands out in surrender. If Bucky was sober, he wouldn’t even be here dancing practically naked right now. But he is drunk, and he is dancing, and he is walking towards Steve laughing, about to give him a lap dance. “No, no, no, no-”

But Bucky’s eyes are tired and hazy, and his movements are obviously intoxication-induced. He laughs at Steve and grabs his hand, guiding it over the burning skin of his abs. Steve can feel Bucky's hard muscles under his own fingertips, as Bucky nudges Steve’s knees apart with his own knee.

“No,” Steve gulps, pulling his hand out of Bucky’s grip. He falls out of his chair and onto the floor, and then he scrambles to get to his feet.

“Damn, you lasted longer than I thought you would,” Bucky laughs loudly, shaking his head at a disheveled Steve. “I really was wondering how long you’d let it go on for before you stopped me.”

“Oh God, Steve, you should have seen your face!” Natasha sighs, a grin still plastered to her face. Steve dusts his hands off and forces a laugh, shaking his head.

“I’ve had it about up to here,” He holds his hand over his head, “with you two. It’s getting ridiculous. By now you’d probably...you’d probably run me over with a car and then tell me it’s a joke while I’m in the hospital.”

“So you’re comparing a very hot and sensual lap dance from me to getting hit by a car? That hurts, Steve, really,” Bucky puts a hand to his heart, feigning hurt feelings. But the slight smile cracking through reveals his not-so-serious attitude about it.

“Ha ha,” Steve shakes his head, getting back in his chair. “Very funny.”

 _“I_ thought so,” Bucky shrugs, and then turns to Natasha and holds his hand out. “Pay up.”

“Uhhh, I think there may be a little situation you might want to take care of first,” Natasha covers her hand over her mouth, suppressing a laugh. “Well, a _big_ situation, if I might say.”

Steve looks away, but he’s already seen the bulge in Bucky’s boxers, despite his best efforts not to look.

“Yeah, that tends to happen when I’m drunk and I can’t quite control it,” He shrugs, unembarrassed. “Now. The money.”

Natasha’s trying to act calm and collected, but Steve can tell by the way she gulps that she’s about to pass out from how much she wants him. It’s almost uncomfortable for Steve just to be in the same _room_ right now, because it’s practically radiating off of her.

She grabs the stack of bills and runs it down Bucky’s chest and stomach, and he grabs it right as it passes his belly button and smirks.

“Thanks,” He whispers, and Natasha takes a sharp breath. “I’m gonna go take a cold shower. Both to get rid of this and also to sober up. I’ll be right back.”

“Yeah,” Natasha forces a smile, watching him go.

“That was…” Steve rubs the back of his neck, raising his eyebrows. “Probably a record for how fast someone has gotten one of those.”

“You can say boner, Rogers,” Natasha looks at him, shaking her head and laughing. “And do you really think it was me?”

“What do you mean?” Steve laughs uncomfortably, and she just laughs at his naivety like always.

“He’s _very_ sensitive to touch, I’ve learned. And your hand was all over him.” She raises an eyebrow, taking a sip of her drink with a smirk on her lips.

“Shut up, Nat,” Steve scoffs, not believing her for a second.

“I’m serious! He already had it when he came over to me.” She shrugs, being way too amused at his embarrassment.

“I know this is just another one of your...jokes, or whatever.” He laughs, looking down and running his fingers through his hair. “So just stop.”

“Fine, Rogers, don’t believe me,” She laughs, gently kicking his leg. “I don’t see the big deal, but I was just telling you the truth.”

“Yeah, yeah, Nat,” He laughs along with her, pinching at the bridge of his nose. “Now let’s watch a movie or something.”

“My pick,” She rushes to the living room before Steve can, and he throws a pillow at her as he plops down against the couch.

“Fine. But no horror movies, under any circumstance.”


	11. Accusations

“Steve?” He hears, right as he’s about to drift off to sleep. He switches his lamp on, and Natasha’s standing in his doorway with shorts and a t-shirt, sighing as she squints her eyes at the sudden light.

“Yeah? What’s wrong?” He sits up, suddenly alert.

“Nothing, nothing. Don’t worry. It’s just...can I stay in here? I’m still a little scared staying in there by myself. I thought I could do it, but I couldn’t stop imagining the stupid scream outfit hanging behind our curtains or something.” She laughs, rubbing her forehead. He laughs too and rubs his eyes, scooting over and patting the pillow next to him.

“Yeah. Yeah, Nat, there’s plenty of room,” He smiles, laying back down and yawning. To be truthful, he’s pretty sure he may be one of the only people she would ever admit she’s scared to. It makes him happy to know she’s opening up, no matter how long it took her to.

“Thanks,” She laughs, obviously full of relief. She climbs into bed next to him and turns the lights out, snuggling against the blanket.

“Why didn’t you go to Bucky’s room?” He asks gently, not wanting to pry too much or it would drive her away.

“I don’t want to make things weird with him. I don’t know.” She sighs, her voice drifting peacefully throughout the quiet room.

“Well you can come in here anytime, okay? I don’t mind. I get lonely sometimes, anyway.” He laughs, and he feels the bed shake with her own laughter.

“That’s cute, Rogers,” She sighs with amusement, pulling his arm around her. “Goodnight.”

“Night, Nat,” He laughs, falling into a deep, much needed sleep.

“Steve, wake up! Where the hell is Natasha? She’s not in t-” Bucky comes storming in his room the next morning, but stops yelling as he throws the blanket back. Steve’s awake now, but Natasha is curled up next to him, and his arms are wrapped around her.

Bucky steps back for a second, taking in the scene. He narrows his eyes and then huffs with a forced laugh, looking at Steve. He hesitates before speaking again.

“Are you two having sex?” He asks quietly, crossing his arms. His face is stone cold, and he looks betrayed more than anything.

“What?” Steve sits up, which makes Natasha finally stir. She stretches and then opens her eyes and sees Bucky, which makes her smile.

“How long has this even been going on? You sneaking in Steve’s room at night? What, do you usually just quietly slip back to the couch in the morning before I notice?” Bucky asks with anger, closing his eyes and breathing in.

“What? James, you don’t know what you’re talking about,” Natasha sets her hand on his arm, but he wrenches it away.

“Don’t, Natasha,” He turns around and walks out, and she’s left sitting there watching him go. She leans over and puts her face in her hands, and Steve gets up from the bed and strides angrily to the bathroom. He busts the door open, and Bucky’s standing there against the wall, just looking up at the ceiling.

“How dare you do that to her,” Steve pushes him, trying to keep calm. Even though he doesn’t feel like it at this moment. “What the hell has gotten into you?”

“So you’re denying it now, then?” Bucky laughs mockingly, pushing Steve back.

“Yes, I’m denying it! Christ, Bucky, she got scared last night! And she didn’t want to weird you out, so she came to my room!” He holds him against the wall, so angry he could just hit him, because he has no idea what Natasha is going through right now, and he’s not even taking it into _consideration._ “You know I like Sharon. And you know Nat and I are just friends; we always have been.”

“I really don’t want to hear any excuse. And-”

“And what? Is this some kind of ‘I don’t want her, but that doesn’t mean anyone else can have her’ kind of thing? Just make up your damn mind and stop pulling her along. You’re being selfish. You’re not even thinking about how this stuff is affecting her.” Steve pushes him one last time, and then backs up. “I can’t believe the way you’ve been acting. It’s like you aren’t even Bucky anymore.”

“Just get the hell out of here,” Bucky just clenches his jaw, but he refuses to look at him.

“Fine. But leave Nat alone.” Steve walks out, and slams the bathroom door.

“You okay?” He sits down on the bed next to Natasha, rubbing her back. She looks like she’s trying not to cry, and that breaks his heart.

“Yeah, I’m just...shocked, I guess.” She laughs and gulps.

“Stay here today. Just relax and take some time alone. I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be at work all day with him. I don’t know what’s wrong, but he’s not himself right now.” Steve shakes his head, sighing. “I’m sure he’s just hungover and not feeling himself.  But in the meantime, I really think you should stay here for the day.”

“Maybe so,” She sighs, shaking her head.

“I have to get to work. Think you’ll be okay?” He asks gently, and she laughs.

“Look who you’re talking to, Rogers,” She gives a half-smile, and he pulls her in for a hug.

“You’re right.” He laughs, giving her a supportive pat on the back.

“Can you believe he thought we were sleeping together? Us?” She laughs, nudging his shoulder with her own.

“He couldn’t have actually thought that. He wants something to be mad at for some reason, so he...chose that, I guess.” Steve shrugs, rubbing his eyes with exhaustion from this whole mess. “Besides, he knows that would never, ever happen.”

“Wow, Rogers!” She playfully punches his arm, laughing. “As if you would ever be so lucky.”

“Exactly my point,” He laughs, giving her a kiss on the cheek. “I have to get a shower or I’ll be late.”

He gets up and grabs his uniform, heading to the bathroom. He raises his fist to knock on the door, but before he can Bucky’s already opened it. He gives him one glance - not even long enough for Steve to read his expression - before he walks right past him, bumping his arm. Steve watches as Bucky walks through the apartment, grabs an apple from the kitchen counter, and then slams the front door on his way out. Steve just rolls his eyes.

“I have exactly...forty-seven minutes for a lunch break,” Sharon's sitting down on the edge of Steve’s desk, smiling down at him as she looks away from the watch on her arm. “Wanna grab something with me?”

“Yeah,” He nods, almost too hastily he realizes. He drops a few pieces of paper on the ground, and then rubs the back of his neck. “That sounds great.”

“Alright.” She smiles and stands up. “Let's go, then.”

“Yeah, I'm right behind you,” He lets out a breathless laugh, standing up from his chair.

“Mind if I have that turkey sandwich you always bring?” Sam smiles up at him, swiveling in his chair with a pencil behind his ear. He at least had the decency to wait until Sharon was out of earshot.

“It's all yours,” Steve laughs, and Sam gives him a fist-bump.

“Have fun at lunch with Carter,” Sam tells him, and Steve takes in a deep breath and laughs.

“I will,” Steve replies, and then looks down at his watch. “See you in forty-six minutes.”

“Right back at ya,” Sam answers, shaking his head with amusement.

Their lunch consists of burgers and talk of their weekend. She tells him that she stayed at the hospital taking care of her aunt most of the weekend, and he tells her about his horror movie marathon with Natasha and Bucky. He conveniently doesn't let her know about the embarrassing moment when they all had to sleep in the same bed because they were so scared, but he tells her (most of) the rest.

Before he knows it, all forty-five minutes are up. Steve wishes time hadn't passed by so quickly.

“I would love to kiss you right now,” She turns to him and smiles, and he gulps. “But it's not exactly professional. I already promised to go visit my aunt again tonight, but would you want to go out again tomorrow night maybe?”

“Of course,” He smiles, so happy that even after his nervous blabber and stuttering, _she's_ still the one asking _him_ out again. “That would be perfect.”

“Great. I'll tell you the details tomorrow at lunch. Have a good rest of the day.” She squeezes his arm, and then opens the door of the police station, walking through. He waits there for a second, trying to compose himself. He covers his mouth trying to hide the huge grin on his face, which earns strange looks from passerbyers. Eventually, feeling himself enough to go back inside, he does. But as soon as he walks in, the smile appears back on his face without his consent.

“The salad over there that good, huh?” Sam laughs, leaning back in his chair and tossing a balled up piece of paper at a grinning Steve.

“I really like her, Sam,” Steve grins like an idiot, tapping his pencil against his desk.

“I’m pretty sure anyone in a ten-mile radius can see that.” Sam shakes his head, humming with complete amusement. “You’ve got it bad, man.”

“I know,” Steve laughs, swiveling around in his chair like a kid. “We’re going out tomorrow night.”

“Officer Rogers,” Steve hears a voice, making him widen his eyes. Sam sits up in his chair and takes his feet off of his desk. “I’m glad you’re finding time for fun with this hectic schedule you have, but this is a work environment. It’s no place to be talking about your crush on officer Carter.”

“Yes sir, Chief Fury. It won’t happen again.” Steve stands up, reaching over to shake his hand. Fury just looks down at it, and then back up at Steve. So Steve just puts it behind his back awkwardly.

“Get to work.” He looks from Steve to Sam, hesitates, and then walks away.

Steve takes a deep breath when he’s in the clear, and falls back in his seat.

“Man, he scares the hell out of me,” Sam says under his breath, and Steve laughs in agreement.

“He’s very private. Which naturally intimidates me a little, since I’m about the exact opposite.” Steve let’s out a long breath, leaning over his paperwork. His hands are still shaking.

“He’ll warm up to you.” Sam sighs, pouring over his own paperwork. “It may take some time, but he will.”

“I really hope so,” Steve laughs, rubbing the back of his neck.

In the cab on his way home from work, he calls Natasha to see how she’s doing. She doesn’t pick up though, of course, so he just sighs and waits until he gets back to the apartment. He doesn’t hear or see anyone, so he looks around. When he gets to his room she’s there, bundled up in his blanket asleep. He looks down at his watch, realizing Bucky should be home by now, but it’s obvious he isn’t.

Steve turns around and starts walking to the kitchen to make dinner. But right as he starts making his way over there, the door opens. Bucky steps through and sighs, and then he freezes when he sees Steve.

“I need to talk to Nat,” He says quietly, making his way to Steve’s room. He can tell Bucky feels bad. In fact, he knows he’s probably been sick to his stomach all day because of the way he acted earlier. But Steve’s not quite ready to let go of it.

“No,” He guards the doorway, not letting Bucky pass.

“Jesus, Steve, I just want to apologize to her. I feel like hell,” He gulps, running his hand through his hair.

“What’s going on?” Natasha asks sleepily, rubbing her eyes and crossing her arms as she approaches them. “Steve, it’s okay.” She puts her hand on his arm, and he lowers it reluctantly. Bucky stares at her hand on his arm, and then he looks up at her.”

“Nat, I’m sorry,” Bucky pushes past Steve, and immediately wraps his arms around her. “I don’t know what got into me. I know you two don’t feel that way for each other; I don’t know what I was thinking. It was all just so sudden and I couldn’t find you so I was scared. And that’s not an excuse, but I really just want to tell you I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, James,” She laughs, embracing him back. He pulls away and kisses her passionately, and Steve looks away and awkwardly taps his foot against the floor.

“I’m sorry,” He presses his forehead to hers, and then hugs her again.

“I know.” She smiles, visibly overjoyed.

“I’m sorry to you too, Steve,” He turns to him, and wraps him in another hug. All hostility in Steve is instantly gone, as Bucky’s arms melt around him.

“It’s alright, Buck. We’ve had worse fights over less important things.” Steve pats his back, and Bucky laughs.

“I don’t want anything like that to happen again.” Bucky shakes his head, breathing out. He looks happy that they’re all okay again, but he seems...wired. Likes he’s nervous or scared. He walks out of the room, and they both follow him.

“James, you’re scaring me,” Natasha says, following him into the kitchen.

“I’m done with this. You guys have been right.” Bucky shakes his head, grabbing the beer from the fridge. He has the whole pack in his hand, and then he walks over and dumps them in the trash. “I’m not myself when I drink. And I promised when I was a kid, after seeing dad drink himself sick every night, that I would never be like him. But that’s what I’ve become and I’m...tired. I’m so tired. And I’m sorry.”

“Oh, James,” Natasha wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him close. His arms envelope around her waist securely, and he closes his eyes and sighs.

“We should celebrate, then. We can order pizza. We’ll even settle for that nasty Hawaiian kind just for you, Buck,” Steve goes and wraps his arms around both of them and squeezes. “I'm proud of you.”

“I am too.” Natasha says happily, kissing him again.

“Thank you guys. And I'm sorry again for this morning.” He says, looking between both of them.

“Consider it forgotten. Who wants some of those cinnamon sticks?” Steve asks, picking up the phone to order pizza.

Steve’s happy that Bucky’s sobering up, yes; but Natasha thinks this will solve everything, and Steve knows it won’t. There’s a much bigger problem underlying the surface ones, and Steve hopes Natasha realizes that before she gets too excited. Bucky still hasn’t made up his mind about whether he wants to be with her or not, and the longer it takes, the more problems they’re all going to have.


	12. Disagreements

“I don’t even know how to dress. I guess I should have asked that at lunch.” Steve laughs nervously, going through his drawers. 

He and Sharon had lunch again on Tuesday, and went over plans for that night. Now he’s home from work and getting ready for their mystery date.

“What did she tell you?” Natasha asks from his bed, trying to braid Bucky’s hair. He keeps swatting her away, but eventually he gives in and rolls his eyes. 

“I mean...nothing, really. She told me to meet her at the bench on the northeast side of central park, but she said the plan is a surprise.” He pinches the bridge of his nose, sighing. 

“Just wear some slacks and a button-up. That way it can be interchangeably nice  _ or  _ casual. If it’s more laid back, just unbutton a few at the top and you’re good to go.

“Yeah?” He asks nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. “No tie?”

“Tie’s are for first dates. Just the shirt and pants will be fine.” She assures him, laughing. “Steve, promise you’ll kiss her tonight? She’s made every other move up until now. Just kiss her. It’ll show her you like her back.”

“I know. I’m gonna try.” He nods, already feeling nervous. “Dating is scary.”

“Yes, but fun.” Natasha tells him, smirking. Bucky’s just sitting there, looking at his hands. Steve isn’t even sure he’s heard any of their conversation. 

“You okay, Buck?” Steve asks, furrowing his eyebrows. 

“Huh? Yeah. Yeah, I was just...yeah, I’m fine.” He laughs, his smile brightening as he shakes his head. “Wear the blue tie.”

“You must have missed the part where Nat told me  _ not  _ to wear a tie.” Steve laughs too, turning around to fix his hair. “I am wearing the blue  _ shirt _ though.”

“Good. Blue looks...you look good in blue.” Bucky sighs, and then rubs his temples like he can’t even think straight. “Christ, I miss alcohol already.”

“You’re better without it, James. Once your body gets rid of the addiction, you’ll be fine,” Natasha lays her head on his chest. “Although I will miss your drunken lap dances.”

It takes Bucky a second to process what she said, and then he puts his face in his hands and groans, “Oh, God.” 

“Oh, so you remember, then?” Natasha nudges his arm teasingly. Steve just wants this conversation to be over, because he knows eventually he’ll be brought into it. Experiencing it was embarrassing enough; he really doesn’t need this on top of it. 

“Unfortunately.” Bucky shakes his head, and Steve feels him looking over at him. 

“I guess that means you remember getting a hard-on for Steve then, right?” Natasha says, and Steve closes his eyes and breathes in deeply. There it is.

“It wasn’t for Steve,” Bucky says under his breath, shaking his head. Steve pretends like he’s not listening to at least save himself a  _ small  _ bit of humiliation. 

“Well it wasn’t for me. And I know you love money, but thirty-six dollars may not be enough to get an erection over.” She laughs, nudging his shoulder playfully. “Admit you think Steve is sexy.”

“God, Nat, it _ was  _ because of you,” Bucky says, laughing as he wraps his arms around her and tackles her to the bed. As uncomfortable as  _ that  _ makes Steve, he’s just glad Natasha is too preoccupied to continue her teasing. 

“Get off!” Natasha laughs, but she’s not exactly trying her hardest to make that happen. Steve just laughs and goes to the bathroom to get dressed.

The date is perfect. When Steve gets to that bench exactly fifteen minutes early, Sharon’s already waiting there. 

“Come on,” She tells him, grabbing his hand and pulling him along with her. When they finally show up at the destination, he grins. 

“Ice skating?” He laughs, shaking his head as she pushes him through the gate to go buy skates. “I can’t ice skate.”

“That’s why...” She grins, handing him his own ticket. “You’re going to learn now.”

Sharon is graceful on the ice; like she’s done this a thousand times before. Steve, however, is not. He falls at least five times in the first ten minutes. Eventually when he’s comfortable enough, he and Sharon hold hands and she guides him. After about an hour, he can now skate pretty decently without falling. Her nose is red and he’s sure his is too, but this is the most fun he’s had in a long time and he doesn’t want the night to end.

“Thanks for doing this,” Steve says, nervously grabbing her hand while they take a break on a bench. She looks down at their intertwined fingers and smiles, and then looks up at him. “I’m having a great time.”

“I am too.” She says quietly, and he notices her glance down at his lips. This is the right moment.

“Can I...kiss you?” He asks, gulping. She nods and smiles, and he breathes in deeply, before curving his long fingers around the back of her neck, and pulling her into him. He feels her smile into the kiss, and he eventually lets his body relax. They sit there and kiss for ten whole minutes, and when they’re finished, they both pull away laughing hysterically. He’s so happy. 

After deciding they’re finished skating for the night, they walk down the street until they happen upon a hot dog stand. They both buy one, and then keep walking. They talk about their favorite music and movies, and about what their favorite hobbies are, and Steve feels just like a teenager again with butterflies in his stomach. 

“Did you kiss her?!” Natasha asks as soon as he walks in. He just smiles like an idiot and leans his back against the door. 

“Yeah. We, uh...kissed. For a while, actually, about halfway through the date. And then she kissed me again goodnight.” He tells Natasha, scratching the back of his neck as he breaks into a grin just  _ thinking  _ about it. 

“Oh, Steve, I’m so proud of you!” Natasha squeals, getting up to hug him. “Anything else happen?”

“No, Nat, we were in public.” He shakes his head and laughs, not even being able to be embarrassed because he’s so ecstatic. 

“And? That’s even more fun.” She shrugs, raising an eyebrow. He just shakes his head and laughs, looking over at Bucky. He’s just laying on the couch on his phone. “Oh yeah, I almost forgot to ask! What was the ‘mystery’ all about?”

“We went ice skating,” Steve tells her, and then goes on to explain the whole night. She’s grinning and nodding the whole time, like she’s living vicariously through him. 

“Steve, you should invite her over for dinner over here on Friday. I want to meet her!” Natasha says, looking excited. “You and James both know her, so I want to get to know her, too.”

“I don’t know, Nat, I just…” Steve shakes his head, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. 

“Come on, Rogers, please? It would be a great opportunity to let us meet, and also to show off your amazing cooking skills. She would love it, and so would I.” Natasha clasps her hands together, practically begging. “And maybe at the end of the night, Bucky and I could, you know, slip out for the night, letting you two be together…”

“Nat…” Steve shakes his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“I’m joking. Unless you want that, then I fully support it.” She says, and Steve ignores her and laughs. 

“Bucky? What do you think?” Steve half-smiles, already deciding he  _ does _ want to do this.

“What? What does James have to do with it?” Natasha complains, gently kicking at Bucky. 

“It’s his apartment too, Nat, I think he should have a say.” Steve laughs, and they both turn to Bucky. He’s laying back against the couch with his hands behind his head, sighing. 

“Why would I care?” He laughs, making Steve roll his eyes.

“Don’t be such a jerk.” Steve shakes his head, hitting Bucky with a pillow. “So is that okay then? Really?”

“Of course. I don't mind.” Bucky laughs, and Natasha squeals. 

“Yes! I can't wait. I've heard all of these stories from high school but this is going to make me feel like I'm a part of it.” She says, sighing happily.

“It's so weird that we've only known you for three years. It seems like you've always been here.” Steve says, shaking his head. 

“Yeah, it does,” Bucky says, pulling her against him. 

"Hey, Nat," Steve grins, thinking back to the time when they didn't know her. She turns to him and smiles, listening. "Buck liked this girl named Jenny in sophomore year of high school, and..."

"Come on, Steve, don't tell her this..." Bucky laughs, pinching the bridge of his nose embarrassedly.

"You've told her some really embarrassing stuff about me from high school, so I deserve to tell this story." Steve points at him, laughing.

"Tell me!" Natasha claps, sitting up in her seat.

"Okay, well he was trying to find a way to tell her he liked her, but he didn't have any classes with her at the time. So he spent two full weeks of his allowance on tons of flowers, and he skipped his class that day so he could go to hers." Steve tells Natasha, but can't help laughing as he thinks back at it. "He busted into the classroom during reading time, and stood up on the teacher's desk and told her he wanted to take her on a date. In front of the entire class and the teacher! So the teacher called the principal, and while they were dragging him out of the classroom to detention, Jenny told him she already had a boyfriend."

"Oh, no, that's so sad!" Natasha covers her hand over her mouth, but only to hide her laughter.

"I told him it was a horrible idea, but he didn't listen." Steve sighs and shrugs, looking over at a humiliated Bucky.

"Yeah, 'cause it was coming from the guy who crushed on the same girl for four years just because she talked to him two times!" Bucky shakes his head, but still has a smile one his face.

"But look whose way actually worked." Steve retaliates, and Natasha "ooooo's." "Just saying."

"Yeah, yeah, Steve, whatever." Bucky waves him off, rolling his eyes playfully.

"What were you both like in high school?" Natasha asks, gathering her legs beneath her to get comfortable.

"Steve was pretty much the same. He, uh..." Bucky laughs, rubbing the back of his neck. "He actually helped me out a lot. I was a little wild. Not like I did drugs or anything, but I found a new girl to fall in love with every week. It was crazy."

"It was borderline sexist, but he always treated them really well so I couldn't exactly catch him on anything." Steve laughs, looking over at Bucky who is staring at the ceiling smiling.

"Yeah, Steve kind of kept me grounded a little. I was kind of a player, but he's the one who helped me realize it's not all about what's on the outside, I guess. He made me realize how big of pigs my other friends were." Bucky says, shaking his head. "I tried to influence him to do stuff he shouldn't do, but he never would. I ended up being more like  _ him _ than anything, really, and he didn't even try."

"You should have seen Bucky in high school, Nat," Steve sighs, laughing. "He thought he was the king of the place."

"And you let me believe it, too." Bucky looks at Steve and laughs with him, both of them reminiscing.

"Yeah, I guess I did." Steve agrees, sitting back in his chair and sighing.

"Steve got...bullied a lot." Bucky breathes out, making the atmosphere seem not so humorous anymore. Natasha knows that happened to Steve, of course; she's been around way too long to not. But it still makes her look down at the floor. "Before I even knew him, he would come to class with his face purple and black at least twice a week. At first he kept lying to the teacher about it, saying he fell down the stairs, or fell off of his bike, and I obviously didn't believe him at all, but I didn't know him well enough to ask him about it. And then after class one day, I saw that idiot Drew Tagos beating the shit out of him for his lunch money. So I kicked his ass, and that's how Steve and I became friends. God, I bet Drew is still such a dick."

"Yeah, I always wanted to fight back, but...I couldn't really. I didn't even want to; hitting someone scared me." Steve replies, swallowing thickly. "I didn't even hit anyone until high school. I remember it perfectly; these guys were knocking some eighth grader around like they had to show him who the boss was. So I punched the leader of the group, and then I got the absolute hell beat out of me.”

“I don't really think you've changed much, Steve,” Natasha laughs, reaching over and ruffling his hair. “Tell me how you met Sharon.”

“Oh that's…” Steve breathes in, scratching his neck. “It's a little embarrassing.”

“Come on, tell me. It can't be more embarrassing than Bucky stripping for us.” She laughs, and Bucky groans. 

“Okay,” Steve laughs, shaking his head. “Well I was in class one day, and that guy Brock kept hitting on some girl. I didn't know her at all, but I overheard the conversation. He asked her out, and she said no. He kept trying and trying, and she was trying to let him down easy, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. Finally after the third or fourth time, he just stood up and called her...a bitch.” Steve cringes at the word, barely even able to say it aloud. “She didn't even do anything wrong; he's the one who wouldn't leave her alone. So I followed him to outside of the cafeteria and tried to tell him he should apologize because she was upset. But he just laughed, and punched me right in the jaw. He actually, uh, knocked me out.”

“Oh no! Was the girl Sharon?” Natasha gasps, looking worried. “That stupid jerk.”

“No, that girl wasn't Sharon. When I woke up, I obviously felt horrible, but there was a warm rag on my forehead and my cuts were bandaged up.  _ That  _ was Sharon. She smiled and took care of me and I felt like I couldn't breathe or something. That sounds stupid, but it was weird, the way I felt. She told me she didn't tell the nurses about this, and when I asked why, she said,  _ “Because I can take care of you better than they can, anyway. And besides, they'll tell the principal you got beat up, and nothing will happen to that piece of shit Brock. I handled that myself already.””  _ Steve quotes, still remembering her words. “I never knew what that meant, but Brock left me alone after that. For good. I heard he even apologized to that girl, too.”

“I know what she did.” Bucky says, and Steve furrows his eyebrows. “Sharon went and knocked  _ him _ out.”

“What? How could I not know that?” Steve asks, gulping. “Buck are you serious? She knocked him out? For me?”

“You didn't know because I'm the only person in that school that you ever talked to, and I never told you.” Bucky replies, and Steve is now just confused.

“How could you never tell me that? You knew how I felt about her.” Steve grits his teeth a little, not sure what's going on. He feels betrayed.

“That's the problem, Steve.  _ Without  _ knowing about it, your crush on her lasted four whole years. But with it? Your life would have been ruined. You would have never, ever stopped thinking about her. I was just looking out for you.” Bucky confesses, already knowing Steve's angry. 

“I  _ always  _ helped you think of ways to tell your weekly girl that you liked them. I always passed notes for you in class to girls who looked at me like I was some freak or something. And you couldn't even tell me  _ that?  _ After everything I did for you?” Steve scoffs, feeling like he just got stabbed. 

“It wasn't like that, Steve, come on.” Bucky sits up as Steve  _ stands  _ up. 

“Then what was it like? All of that time I thought you wanted me and Sharon to be together. I thought you wanted me to be happy.” Steve shakes his head, trying to take it all in. 

“I did! Christ, you were so hung up on her for so long, so do you really think telling you that would have just made it better? Because it wouldn't have; it would have made it so much worse!” Bucky protests, trying to take up for himself. Natasha is just sitting there quietly, not even daring to open her mouth. 

“But what if I would have known that, and I could have talked to her about it. We could have...I don't know, we could have dated. But you never even let me see where it could've gone. I didn't even get a chance.” Steve keeps calm, but he's upset. 

“Would you have dated her, though? Because the Steve I knew in high school wouldn't have. He was too afraid to even  _ look  _ at a girl, because he had absolutely no self esteem. I knew if you two would have gotten together then, it wouldn't have worked out. You hated yourself and your body, so you would have never understood why she liked you. It would have ruined you.” Bucky explains, looking genuinely sorry, but he still stood his ground. 

“Oh yeah? Well that's your problem, Buck. You don't know when to stop playing God.” Steve laughs angrily, and walks to his room. 

“Steve…” Bucky starts, but Natasha stops him. He sighs and sits back down.

“Maybe you need to give him some time.” She says quietly, right before Steve shuts his door.

He and Bucky have fought more times in the past four days than they have their entire lives, and it's making him sick. Steve has lost his parents and every other bit of family he had left; he can't lose Bucky too. 


	13. Double Date

“I'm sorry,” Steve says Wednesday morning, after having the whole night to realize how badly he was overreacting. “I know you were just trying to protect me. It just surprised me, I guess, that she did that. I felt like my life in high school would have been a lot easier if I would've known that, but you were right; it would have made it a lot worse for me.”

“Don't apologize,” Bucky sighs, setting down his backpack beside the door. “It wasn't my right to keep that from you. It was wrong of me, and  _ I'm  _ sorry. I really am.”

“Let's just forget it. That was a stupid fight.” Steve shakes his head, laughing a little. 

“Yeah, it was. Consider it forgotten.” Bucky nods at him from across the room, and then leaves. 

The next few days are a little...different. All is forgiven, yes, but things are still tense between them for some reason. It's like after all of these years, this is one of the first times where they aren't completely comfortable around each other, and that is horrific in itself. They don't even know how to act around each other. 

Like for instance, Steve accidentally bumped into Bucky in the kitchen on Wednesday night, while they're both reaching for a soda from the fridge. They both apologize to each other about ten times, before then sitting on the couch, awkwardly waiting for Natasha to get home.

Thursday's a little better, but Friday is almost completely normal. They all fight over the last bit of oatmeal before going off to work, and Steve just lets them split the rest of it for “being so welcoming towards Sharon.” 

“So she's still coming tonight, then? What are you gonna make?” Natasha asks, sitting down on a stool while she takes a bite of the oatmeal. 

“If that's fine with you guys, then yeah. She was really excited when I asked her the other day.” Steve laughs nervously at the thought, terrified they're going to try and embarrass him like always. “And I was thinking I might try out a new recipe. It's a beef and broccoli stir-fry, with a side of macaroni and cheese.”

“That sounds so good,” Bucky rubs his stomach in anticipation. “Make a lot.”

“I will,” Steve laughs as he grabs a bagel, and then walks towards the door. “I'll see you guys at five.”

“Bye! Have a good day, and don't be too nervous about tonight, okay?” Natasha winks at him, and he nods at her and then Bucky. 

His day goes by quickly. Partly because he's excited, but mostly because he's completely and utterly nervous. Sam isn't very helpful, either.

“Man, you really need to relax.” Sam laughs, as Steve explains his plans on the way home. He decided to walk with Sam today, since Sam was going straight to the gym after work. 

“I really like her, Sam. Aren't you nervous when you go out with someone you like?” Steve laughs, looking over at him. 

“Yeah, of course I am.” Sam laughs, sliding his phone into his pocket. “It's been awhile, though, so maybe I've forgotten.”

“No one you like? Come on, Wilson, that can't be true.” Steve argues, looking over at him with a laugh. 

“It is! I guess I just work all the time, so there's not much of a chance for me to meet anyone at the moment.” He shrugs and laughs, and Steve lightly punches his arm.

“Aw, come on, man! It shouldn't be all work no play. Go out tonight!” Steve insists, shaking his head. “I would invite you over tonight, but you'd kind of be a fifth wheel.”

“No, that's fine. Thank you, though.” He laughs, and they stand on the street because this is where Steve is supposed to cross it to get to his apartment. “So Natasha and Bucky  _ are  _ dating then?”

“Well...not technically, I guess,” Steve answers, slipping his hands in his pockets with a laugh. “They just seem like one a lot. They're pretty much dating, just without the label. Which I don’t get exactly, but they’ve never been the traditional kind I guess.”

“Oh, okay. I thought so, but they always told me no when I asked. But I get it.” Sam nods, crossing his arms.

“Why? Are you crushing on Nat, Wilson?” Steve asks, nudging his shoulder teasingly. 

“No, no, I'm just curious.” He replies coolly, shrugging nonchalantly. 

“Sure you are,” Steve laughs, walking backwards. “See you Monday.”

“Yeah, man. Try not to impress Sharon too much!” Sam laughs, and Steve turns around and laughs too, walking home. 

“Okay, I have to get a shower really quick and then I'm gonna start on the food!” Steve rushes in the apartment, passing Natasha and Bucky who are laying on the couch. He gathers clothes from his room, and then shuts the door of the bathroom. 

“You have plenty of time,” Natasha laughs, as Steve walks into the kitchen pulling on a shirt. Bucky’s sitting on the counter watching Natasha pull ingredients out of the fridge. “I looked at the directions, and I preheated the oven and got, uh, most of the ingredients out for you. I wanted to make this at least a little easier for you.”

“Oh, thanks Nat,” Steve says in an exhausted voice, kissing her forehead as he passes her. “That helps so much.”

“Stop stressing so much, Rogers,” Natasha laughs, hoisting herself onto the counter next to Bucky. He pulls her between his legs and wraps his arms around her, kissing her shoulder once. “This is supposed to be fun.”

“I know, I know, but she'll be here in less than an hour and this still has to cook.” He breathes out, pushing his wet hair back with nerves as he starts mixing ingredients. “Of course the  _ one  _ day I have something, I'm late getting home.”

“It'll be fine. Besides, I really doubt she'll mind if you're still cooking when she gets here. She'll probably find it sexy.” Natasha shrugs, smirking deviously. 

“Nat,” Steve just sighs, laughing. 

“What? She will.” She laughs too, throwing an oven mitt at him. 

“Are we gonna watch a movie after dinner?” Bucky asks, propping his chin on Natasha's shoulder. 

“If that's okay with you guys, then yeah. I was thinking maybe Crazy, Stupid, Love. That's a good one.” Steve laughs, putting the stir fry on the stove. 

“Aw, that's cute, Rogers,” Natasha extends her leg, pressing her toes against his arm. He just rolls his eyes and starts on the macaroni and cheese, laughing. 

It's exactly five minutes before six thirty when Sharon knocks on the door. Steve gulps and almost drops the hot macaroni and cheese on the floor when he hears the knock. He makes eye contact with Natasha and Bucky, and they just laugh and give him a thumbs up. He sets the macaroni and cheese on the table, and then goes to open the door.

“Hi,” She smiles at him, and he takes a long breath.

“Hey. Come in,” He laughs, pulling the door to the side, letting her pass. 

“It smells great in here,” She looks up at him, putting her hand on his arm. 

“Thanks. It's almost ready, actually,” he laughs, nervously putting his hands in his pockets. 

“Steve?” Natasha says, tapping his shoulder and smiling at Sharon. 

“Oh yeah. Yeah. Sharon, this is Natasha.  Natasha, this is Sharon.” Steve introduces them, gulping. “And I know you remember Bucky.”

Sharon reaches out and shakes both of their hands, smiling. 

“It's nice to meet you. I can tell you mean a lot to Steve.” She smiles brightly, and Steve wonders if she's nervous too. “And Bucky, It's so nice to see you again. It's been so long.” 

“Yeah, it seems like forever, really. It's good to see you again too, Sharon.” Bucky laughs, and Steve feels a little weird that all of this is for him.

“Are you hungry? The foods probably finished by now.” Steve walks around and switches the stove off, moving the pan over to the table. 

“Yeah, that sounds great.” She nods, walking into the kitchen. She sits by Steve, and Bucky and Natasha sit across from them. 

She compliments Steve on the food, making him laugh and give a thank you. He isn't sure what to say next.

“Steve was just telling me how you guys met in high school.” Natasha laughs, suddenly coming to the rescue like usual. 

“Oh yeah,” Sharon sets her fork down, and looks over at Steve. “I just walked up as Brock was leaving. Steve was just lying there limp. It was horrible.”

“I didn't even know you knocked him out until Bucky told me about it yesterday.” Steve looks back at her, and Bucky just knocks his fork around his food.

“That guy deserved a lot worse,” She laughs, shaking her head at the thought. “I got suspended for a week, but it was worth it. He was so evil.” 

“What was your nickname after that? Uh…” Bucky starts, finally engaging in the conversation. 

“Ron Sparks,” She covers her face, shaking her head. “He's some MMA fighter or something. There were no ‘Sharon’s’ in it so they picked ‘Ron’ instead.”

“I heard people going around saying that name, but I had no idea it was about you! I guess that's why I never knew you punched him.” Steve says, a little shocked still. 

“High school was definitely...something. That’s for sure.” She laughs, rubbing her finger around the rim of her glass. “I vaguely remember a story about you, Bucky. Remember Jenny Pilmer?”

“We just talked about that yesterday,” Bucky rubs the bridge of his nose, laughing. “I don’t think we need a repeat. Damn, did everyone know about that?” 

“I think you made a very lasting impression with that one.” Sharon laughs, and Steve is so happy that everything is going well, that he could jump for joy. “Natasha, where did you go to school?”

“I was raised in a group home in Virginia. They taught me there until I was fifteen, but it was horrible. So I ran away, and lived by myself. I went to public school and got a night shift job to pay off my apartment until I was eighteen. Then I went to college and met these two idiots.” Natasha bumps Bucky’s arm, and then leans her head on his shoulder. 

“You lived by yourself at fifteen?! That must have been crazy.” Sharon leans in a little, shaking her head.

“It wasn’t near as bad as any foster home I would have been in. But yeah, I did have to make a fake ID because my first two choices in apartments wouldn’t let me because I wasn’t eighteen.” Natasha nods, and Bucky reaches under the table to squeeze her hand.

The rest of the night goes amazingly. Steve keeps getting worried that something’s going to happen, but it doesn’t. They just finish eating, and then move to the kitchen to watch a movie. Sharon and Steve sit on the couch, and Natasha sits on Bucky’s lap in the chair. By the end of the movie, Sharon is huddled up next to Steve. Her arms are wrapped around him, and her head is against his chest. He hopes she can’t feel the embarrassingly-fast beat of his heart. 

“Steve?” Sharon sits up, as they watch the movie credits roll onto the screen. Natasha and Bucky are whispering and laughing over in the chair, not paying them any attention.

“Yeah?” He turns to her, smiling. She pulls him down to her face, and gives him a long, passionate kiss. They start laughing as they hear Natasha saying, “awwww!”

“Nat,” Steve shakes his head, embarrassed. 

“Come on, it's cute. I've never seen you with someone before.” She gushes, laying her head on Bucky's shoulder. He looks standoffish again, which makes Steve kind of annoyed. He's not going to let him ruin his perfect night. He does wish he would be more happy and open, especially since he knows how important this is to Steve. 

“No one? Really? Aww.” Sharon bumps his arm, fitting right in with their mission to embarrass Steve as much as possible. “That is cute.”

“Okay, okay, that's enough,” He huffs, but can't wipe the smile from his face. So then she leans in and kisses him again, and she runs her hands through his soft hair. 

“Sorry.” She whispers as she pulls away, looking in his eyes and smiling. 

“All is forgiven,” He whispers back, breathless. She just laughs and lays her head on his shoulder. He’s so happy. 

“I guess I should head home, it’s getting pretty late.” Sharon stands up from the couch, and Steve follows. He never wanted this night to end.

“Bye Sharon!” Natasha calls after them, leaning over the chair probably suffocating Bucky. “I’m so glad I got to meet you.”

“You too! Thank you for being so welcoming.” Sharon waves at her, laughing. “And it was great to see you again too, Bucky.”

“You too, Ron Spark.” He sticks his hand out behind the chair, waving. She shakes her head and laughs, and Steve shuts the door behind them as they step out. 

“I’m so glad you came. I was a little scared they would embarrass me, but it wasn’t anything too bad I don’t think.” He laughs, and she reaches down and grabs his hand. 

“We should go out on a double date soon. They’re really fun people.” She looks up at him, smiling. 

“I would love that. Really.” He nods, relieved that she likes them. She looks in his eyes, and then pulls him down to kiss her. This one is longer and more intimate, and he somehow ends up pressed against the door.

“Maybe our next date should be at my place, though. If you want that.” She whispers, grabbing his arm after they’ve been pulled away for a few seconds.

“Oh. Yeah, I mean...that’s fine. I would love to do that.” He rubs the back of his neck, nervously gulping. “I guess I’ll see you Monday.”

“I can’t wait.” She looks at the floor and laughs, and then they hug. “Bye, Steve.”

“Bye.” He watches her go, still waiting there and smiling against the door even when she passes. 

He briefly thinks of the many things flooding his mind right now that he wants to talk to Nat and Bucky about, so he takes in a huge breath and then walks inside. They aren’t on the chair anymore, and he doesn’t even notice them until Bucky slams Natasha against the wall. Her legs are wrapped around his waist, and at first he thinks they’re fighting because they’re being so loud, but it doesn’t take him long to realize what’s really going on. 

“Guys,” Steve sighs, stepping a little closer. “I want to talk to you.”

“It can wait,” Bucky gasps between kisses, delving back in to press his lips to Natasha’s neck. She cries out in pleasure, pulling on his hair desperately. Then Bucky carries her into his bedroom, kicking the door shut behind him. 

Steve, rolling his eyes with a laugh, goes to his bedroom and plops down on the bed. He knows they’ll be out of the bedroom soon, not finishing what they started like always. So he decides to wait it out. 

But fifteen minutes go by, with Natasha moaning pretty frequently. Just as they go away and Steve thinks it’s over, they start back again. In perfectly-timed intervals this round. Then he starts hearing the bed hitting the wall, and Natasha scream out every time it does. After almost three years of knowing each other, they’re having sex right now, right after Steve’s date when he needs them. He isn’t sure what set them off; what was the deciding factor for Bucky to not stop it this time?

So as he turns the light out and puts the pillow over his head, he decides that Bucky must have realized that he  _ does  _ love Natasha. Bucky must have seen Steve in a happy relationship, and grasped that he could have that too. Maybe that’s all it took for him to see the potential he and Natasha have together. 

But as happy as Steve is for them, he really wishes this wasn’t happening right now. So he turns his TV up and tries to ignore the fact that he can still hear them over the sound of it.


	14. Aftermath

“Steve, wake up,” He hears a whisper, and then someone pulls the blanket off of his head. Natasha. 

“Nat, what time is it?” Steve asks groggily, rubbing the side of his head sleepily. 

“Almost eight,” She smiles as she sits on the edge of his bed, waiting for him to get up.

“What? Eight? How did I not wake up? I meant to get up and tell Sam I would run with him.” He shakes his head, but falls back into the pillow. 

“Me and James had sex last night.” She tells Steve quietly, and he takes in a sharp breath. “Well, four times.”

“I know. I...heard. I actually think that's why I'm only just now waking up; I heard you guys all night. I think everyone in the building may have.” He huffs, rubbing his eyes with a sleepy laugh.

“Oh, sorry,” She laughs, but it doesn't sound very sincere. “He was  _ so good,  _ Steve. Definitely the best I've ever had by far. God, just the way he would-”

“You don't have to go into detail.” Steve laughs uncomfortably.

“I know, sorry. But I think this means something. I'm hoping he's going to ask me to be his girlfriend.” She smiles, biting her lip. 

“Yeah?” Steve smiles, leaning against the back of the bed frame. “That's great, Nat.”

“Last night was so amazing. I'm so, so happy.” She covers her face in her hands, barely even able to contain her excitement. So Steve leans in and wraps his arms around her in a hug. “I couldn't even barely sleep. Well, I slept like a rock for about four hours, but after that I woke up and kept thinking about it and couldn't go  _ back  _ to sleep.”

“I'm happy for you guys. And is that why you're awake right now? I thought it was a little strange, but now I get it.” He yawns, laughing. 

“Yeah, I decided to just go ahead and get up. Maybe make breakfast or something.” She smiles, and he's  _ praying so hard  _ that Bucky  _ has _ made up his mind and  _ does  _ want to be with her. 

“Oh, that sounds good right now. I'll help.” Steve gets up and stretches, and then pulls on his shirt. 

About fifteen minutes into making pancakes, Bucky slips out of his room. He's shirtless like always, and his dog tags are dangling against his chest as he pushes his hair back. Natasha glances at him for a second and gulps, but she doesn't make any advancement toward him. She's trying to see how he feels about everything first, and Steve doesn't blame her for that. Bucky can be very confusing.  

“I wish you would have stayed in bed, Tash,” Bucky wraps his arms around her waist from behind, and kisses the top of her head. A huge smile breaks out on her face, and she looks relieved that he didn't try and pretend it didn't happen. That means he doesn't regret it. “I missed you.”

“You're a baby,” She turns around in his arms, wrapping her own around his neck. 

“I don't care.” He whispers as he leans down and kisses her, and she smiles into it in pure happiness. Steve smiles and turns the bacon over in the pan. 

“Steve heard us last night,” She whispers to Bucky, but Steve pretends he's not listening. 

“So?” Bucky laughs, not even attempting to whisper. Steve realizes that hearing them in Bucky’s room  will most likely happen every night for the rest of his life now. 

“You're such a dick!” Natasha laughs, playfully hitting his chest. “He didn't get any sleep.”

“Neither did we.” Bucky hums against her ear, letting his hand roam over her backside.

“You guys know I'm standing right here, right?” Steve shakes his head, laughing with obvious discomfort.

“You'll live,” Bucky pats his back, and then leans down to grab the orange juice from the fridge.

“So what did Sharon think? I'm sorry about last night, we meant to wait for you, but…things happened.” Natasha starts, laughing a little.

“It's alright.” Steve finally turns the stove off, putting the plate of bacon on the table next to the still-hot pancakes. “But she loved hanging out with you guys. She wants to do it again sometime.”

“And…? There must be a reason you have that huge smile on your face, Rogers,” Natasha crosses her arms, waiting. “Spill it.”

“Well, she said something, and I kind of wanted to get your opinion on what it might mean.” He sighs, rubbing the back of his neck as he sits down. Bucky watches him as he tries to get his words out. Natasha is standing there, waiting impatiently to hear.

“She kissed me, and then said that the next date should be at her house. If I wanted that.” He repeats, looking over at Natasha.

“She wants to sleep with you! Oh God, I knew it! She looked at you like she wanted to ride you the  _ entire _ night.” Natasha laughs, shaking her head and sitting down beside him. 

“Romanoff!” Steve huffs, suddenly embarrassed. “She did not.”

“I think James can attest to that too. She  _ really  _ likes you, Steve. And what you just told us she said is proof. She's going to have sex with you on the next date.” Natasha tells him, squeezing his shoulder supportively. 

“She's right. That was pretty straightforward.” Bucky shrugs, shoving pancake in his mouth. 

“I don't think I'm ready for...that. Not yet.” Steve gulps, suddenly not very hungry anymore. 

“Rogers, when  _ will  _ you be ready? You like Sharon; you always have. There's no better time than with someone you really like. And she likes you, too.” Natasha sighs, propping her chin on her fist. 

“I guess I'll just have to see what happens.” He puts his face in his hands, taking in a breath. ”This is terrifying.”

“James, do you have anything you want to say to your best friend since he's so obviously distressed? Maybe some tips?” Natasha asks, and they both look over at Bucky. She's right about that; Bucky is almost always the one helping him get through any sort of hard time he's having. 

“Uhh,” He looks up and sighs, running his hand over his scruff. “Just...go with the flow.”

“What? That's all you have for him? Where the hell is your mind at, Barnes?” Natasha laughs, shaking her head.

“I'm sorry I'm a little distracted.” He smiles, pulling her against him. Steve just sighs, and is internally freaking out over Natasha's words. 

“I'm gonna call Sam. He's probably wondering about the date anyway.” Steve laughs, getting up from the table.

“But you haven't even touched your food,” Natasha furrows her eyebrows, sitting in Bucky’s lap. “And I thought you weren't running with him today.”

“Yeah, I'm not so hungry right now. And I'm not; he's already run today I'm sure. But we’ll meet somewhere. Save me some bacon, okay?” He says, and then walks into his room dialing Sam’s number. 

“Man, I thought you may have disappeared on me,” Sam laughs, looking up at him as Steve sits down across from him. They decided to meet at a little cafe that's only a short distance between both of their apartments. “You always say you’re going to try and sleep in a little on Saturday’s but you always end up calling. I'm not gonna lie, I was a little worried.”

“I think it's the paranoia from our choice of career that makes us a little...fearful of ordinary things..” Steve laughs, shaking his head. “I really am sorry, though. I was up late because Nat and Bucky were….” Steve sighs, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Ahh, I get it.” Sam nods, leaning back in his chair. “Turn your TV on next time.”

“I  _ did _ have it on,” Steve sighs with exhaustion, putting his face in his hands. “I think they're...together now. Really together.”

“What makes you say that?” Sam asks, rubbing his chin curiously. 

“I had to talk to Buck the other because he's been...stringing Nat along a lot. He wasn't sure how he felt about her, and he couldn't make up his mind. But they...last night was their first time together. I think he finally realized how stupid he was being and went for it.” Steve let's out a breath, feeling a headache. 

“I thought you wanted them together…?” Sam questions, still looking confused.

“I thought so too,” Steve aimlessly rips at a napkin in front of him. “But I'm not so sure anymore. He's been acting different lately. It's like he's on edge all of the time, or...I don't know, but something’s off. And Bucky's a great guy, he is; the best I've ever known. But I don't like it when he's like this. Nat doesn't deserve it.” Steve let's out, already feeling relieved that he's gotten it off of his chest. 

“That's tough,” Sam sighs, shaking his head as he takes a sip of coffee. “Maybe you could talk to him?”

“I've tried. I just know he's going through something right now and he usually talks to me about it. I guess I'm just worried about him.” Steve looks down at the table, gulping. 

“I'm sure he'll be fine. You guys have been best friends for so long; he knows you're there for him whenever he's ready to talk about it. Maybe that'll be soon, maybe it's never.” Sam shrugs, looking at Steve. 

“I know, I know, I just wish he'd go back to being himself. It's almost as if it's really him for a day, and then it's not him for the next two after. I don't get it.” Steve shakes his head, leaning back in his seat. “But you're right. I just wish he would leave Nat out of it until he figured it out.”

“I do too, but things happen. It'll be all over soon, and everything’ll be back to normal.” Sam tells him, and Steve sighs again, nodding. “How was the date with Carter?”

So Steve smiles widely and tells him all about it, finally getting his mind off of the bad and putting it onto the good.


	15. Saturday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think you're all going to like the next chapter, so sit tight until Friday!

“There you are! How’s Wilson?” Natasha asks, swatting Bucky’s hands away and laughing as Steve arrives back to the apartment.

“He’s good. He’s going to his counseling class today, so we couldn’t talk long.” Steve sighs, sitting down in the recliner. He’s still tired.

“I haven’t seen him in a while. I never work the night shift anymore.” She says quietly, chewing the inside of her cheek.

“He's crushing so hard on Nat,” Bucky teases, and pokes Natasha's sides. 

“What? He is not.” Natasha rolls her eyes, turning away.

“Actually,” Steve laughs a little, rubbing his chin. “I think Buck may be right.”

“Come on, Nat, it's obvious. He's  _ always  _ trying to impress you. And he even requested for you to be his personal trainer.” Bucky laughs, finding it hilarious. “Seriously, you're a little oblivious sometimes about that stuff. All of our coworkers know it too. ”

“Shut up, Barnes,” She gets off of his lap and sits on the couch, crossing her arms. Bucky's one to talk, Steve thinks. “And that whole personal trainer request thing is alleged. Tony told you that, and we both know how much  _ both _ of you like stirring up trouble.”

“Okay that  _ was  _ real, but I was playing with you about the other stuff,” Bucky nudges her arm, making her turn away so he can't see the smile on her face. She wants to stay mad at him but can't. Steve knows that feeling all too well. “Sort of.”

“Sam’s really sweet. He's my friend.” Natasha says, running her fingers through her hair. 

“That doesn't mean he doesn't like you.” Bucky tells her, kissing her forehead to soften her annoyance toward him. And it works, too, because she melts right back into his arms. “But that’s too bad, because I like you much, much more.”

At first, Steve doesn’t even realize what he just heard. After all of these years with the strange dynamic between Natasha and Bucky, he’s never actually said those words; even when it was obvious that he did. But Steve’s convinced that it’s because he  _ is  _ in love with Natasha, and he doesn’t want to ruin anything. After last night, though, maybe he has finally realized that it’s her and it always has been. 

Natasha just looks at Bucky and smiles at him like he’s the only person in the world. Then she kisses him. Steve shifts uncomfortably at the intimacy between them. Them being together is something that’s going to take a while to get used to. 

“So, uh, what do you guys want to do today?” Steve asks, clearing his throat. 

“I know what  _ I  _ wanna do,” Bucky hums against Natasha’s neck, making her laugh. 

“James,” She pushes him away, laughing. “Later.”

“Fine, fine,” He laughs, laying his head back on the couch and settling for laying a hand on her leg. “We can play a game.”

“What game?” Natasha asks, sounding interested in the idea.

“Monopoly.” Steve jumps in, looking over at them. “We haven’t played that in a while.”

“Nooooo, Steve, that goes on for  _ hours.”  _ Natasha groans, immediately protesting his suggestion.

“Come on, Tash, it’s fun. I call dibs on the wheelbarrow.” Bucky gets up and laughs, grabbing the Monopoly box from the cabinet under the TV. Natasha and Steve exchange confused glances for a second at his strange cheeriness. But then they shrug it off and decide not to take it for granted, rushing to the kitchen to grab their favorite game pieces.

“Steve only suggests to play this stupid game because he wins it every time,” Bucky groans after almost two hours of playing, as Natasha tosses her property cards on the table in frustration. 

“If I  _ just  _ wouldn’t have landed on your property,” She grumbles, rubbing her temples. “I hate this damn game. Do you see why I didn’t want to play now, jackass?!” She laughs as she pushes Bucky’s shoulder playfully. 

“Yeah, that’s never happening again. I somehow forget how horrible it is every time.” Bucky shakes his head, running his hand over his hair. “I’m hungry.”

“You’re always hungry,” Natasha laughs, ruffling his hair as she gets up from her chair, yawning. “I’ll order takeout.”

“Get extra fried rice!” Bucky calls after, and she waves her hand in acknowledgment before she shuts the door to Steve’s room. 

“She’s happy,” Steve says, as they start putting all of the pieces back into the box. Bucky glances up at him for a second, and then looks back down to focus on organizing the fake money. “Really happy.”

“I know.” Bucky nods, and Steve sighs and leans forward. 

“Well...Are you?” Steve asks, making Bucky lean back in his seat and rub the bridge of his nose. 

“Yeah, Steve, I am. Can you not tell?” He laughs, furrowing his eyebrows like he’s confused. Everything he’s said and everything he’s done proves his statement true. But after knowing someone as long as they’ve known each other, it doesn’t matter what they say or how they say it; you just know when something’s wrong. 

“You’re my best friend, Buck. I don’t know why you’re...I’m just trying to make sure you’re okay. I just want you both happy more than anything else.” Steve sighs, trying to get through to him a little. Or at  _ least  _ make him see where he’s coming from. 

“I’m fine. I’m happy. And if you heard us last night like you said you did, then you already know that.” He laughs, easing the tension a little. But something’s still off, and Bucky isn’t telling him what it is. Even worse, he’s pretending that nothing’s wrong even to Steve. 

“I know, it’s just that something seems...not right. If your depression’s back, there’s nothing wrong with getting help. And even if it’s not, then-”

“Steve, stop.” Bucky insists, shaking his head. “I’m okay. I am. You know I would tell you  if something was up. I’m okay.”

“Okay. Okay, I get it. Maybe it was just a...false feeling or something. I just wanted to make s-”

“I got the extra fried rice.” Natasha laughs, walking back into the room. Steve and Bucky exchange a look, and then Bucky turns around and pulls her onto his lap. 

“Mmm, say that again.” He says seductively, and she bursts out in laughter.

“You're so gross, James,” She shakes her head, and then bursts out in laughter again. 

“I'm sorry that I tend to find Chinese cuisines a turn on.” He laughs, laying his head on her shoulder. 

“You should be,” She pushes his chest with a laugh, and stands up.Then she turns to Steve and raises an eyebrow. “Have you talked to Sharon about your date yet, Rogers?”

“No,” He shakes his head, taking in a sharp breath. “We’ll set it up Monday, I'm sure.”

“You better,” She says sternly, crossing her arms. “You aren't going to let this beautiful, amazing girl go because you have intimacy issues.”

“I won't. Not this time.” He shakes his head, gulping. “I want it. I want  _ her. _ I'm just...I  _ am _ scared. But I'm not going to let that ruin us.”

“There you go! Good for you, Rogers, I’m proud.” She laughs, leaning down to hug him. “Now let's go get our food.”

“I'm gonna...I'll just stay here and get the table set. Maybe pick out a movie.” Bucky laughs, getting up to stretch. 

“You don't want to come?” Natasha asks, sliding her hand under his shirt and rubbing the skin there. Steve looks away once again. 

“It's right up the road, Tash. It'll just save time this way.” He laughs, waving them off. “Go.”

“Okay. We'll be right back.” She smiles, and he gives her a hot, way-too-passionate-for-this-random-moment kiss. She pulls away smiley and in a daze. Steve stands there with his hands in his pockets, looking around the room aimlessly. 

“I'll miss you.” Bucky tells her, running his thumb over her swollen lips. 

“Nat, let's go. The foods gonna be cold.” Steve forces a laugh, walking to the door. So she does, and Bucky watches her go.

“Has James always been that way?” Natasha asks, breaking the silence they've had since they left the apartment. 

“What way?” Steve asks, looking ahead at the street. The air is crisp and the leaves are turning, and he can catch the distant scent of burning leaves. 

“He's so...I don't know. He's so cute and sweet and clingy and whiny, and then the next second he can be sexy and hot and graceful and...God, everything else you can imagine. I love that about him.” She laughs, linking her arm with his. 

“Uh...yeah. He has always been like that, I think.” Steve nods, already spotting the Chinese restaurant. “He's a softie, but he can be very charming if he chooses to be.”

“Did you hear what he said earlier? I know this is really high school, but he said he likes me. He's never said that before. Not in that way at least. I don't know, it's just so strange that after all of these years we’re finally together.” She sighs, laying her head on his shoulder. “A good strange.”

“I always knew you guys would be together.” Steve unlinks their arms and puts his around her, squeezing her shoulders with a laugh.

So they get their food and get home to an awaiting Bucky. Steve still knows something has to be wrong, but it can't be anything  _ too  _ serious if Bucky didn't tell him about it. So he soaks up the happiness of the both of them, and tries as hard as he can to spend his weekend worry free.


	16. Early Bedtime

The week goes by slowly, because Sharon was working out of the office almost the entirety of it and Steve barely got to see her. Hours and hours went by as Steve sat in his chair, tapping his pencil against the desk almost the entire week, worried. They did get the chance to eat a quick lunch on Wednesday, though, and they made plans for a date on Friday. He’s going to her house for pizza and a movie at eight. 

Another reason why it goes by slowly, is because he’s gotten about ten hours of sleep  _ total  _ the entire week. Natasha and Bucky are going at it in the next room every night, for hours on end. He even invests in earplugs, but it practically does nothing to diffuse the amounts of noise they're making. They’ve been having complaints from the neighbors about it too, and have promised to quiet down. Of course, Steve was the one who happened to answer the door at the time, and had to explain how it was his roommates, not him. Which could take over the entire amount of embarrassment a human could need in a lifetime, all summed up into a ten minute conversation. 

So it’s Friday now and he finally got through the week, despite the fact that he definitely didn’t think he’d be able to. Today, even though he's sure he isn't going to be seeing her at work again, is still a good day because he’s so excited for tonight. Finally he’s going to get to see her and spend time with her again. 

“Goddamn it,” Natasha groans, stepping out of Bucky’s room and pushing her phone into her pocket. Bucky and Steve are already up and dressed, ready to go to work. “I guess that’s what I get for not knocking on wood.”

“What?” Bucky laughs, biting into his toast. “Who was it?”

“Alex has plans tonight, so he said he would take my day shift if I’d take his night shift. Damn that stupid gym being open twenty-four hours. How long is the night shift again?” She huffs, taking a bite from Bucky’s piece of toast. 

“Six p.m. to four a.m. Night workers get it the worst.” Bucky tells her, rubbing his eyes sleepily. 

“Damn.” She groans, shaking her head. “I'm tired just thinking about it. Steve, are you ready for tonight?”

“Um...sort of. I guess. Probably not.” He laughs, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. “I've had this pit in my stomach for the past few days and it won't go away.”

“I think our little Stevie is falling in love,” Natasha laughs, laying her head on Bucky's shoulder. “Tonight's a big night. Do you have condoms?”

Steve spits out his coffee at that, almost choking on it. “Wow, Nat.”

“What? You always need protection.” She tells him, tying her hair back. “Seriously, Steve.”

“I know, I know, it's just hard for me to talk...about it.” He laughs uncomfortably, taking in a long breath. “I guess I’ll have to get over it though, right?”

“Yes, you will,” Natasha laughs, patting Steve’s shoulder as she grabs an apple from the countertop.  “God, we really need to get groceries. I’ll go by the market and get some today.  _ Before  _ I take a really, really long nap to prepare myself for this horrible shift.”

“I have to go,” Bucky sighs, getting up from his seat. “Get stuff Steve can make tacos with for tomorrow.”

“I will,” Natasha laughs, walking around the counter and wrapping her arms around his neck. “I’ll probably walk in while you’re walking out.”

“Actually, I’m only working until five today,” He pushes a strand of hair behind her ear, smiling slightly. “Could this ‘Alex has plans tonight so I need to take his shift’ thing only be an excuse to see Wilson, Romanoff? Should I be worried?”

“What, jealous, Barnes?” She smirks, running her hands up his chest. “You know, he is pretty sexy now that I think about it. With his big, hard muscles. And when the sweat drips down his abs when he lifts those weights...”

“Shut up,” Bucky laughs, pulling her into a kiss. “You love to torture me.”

“I do,” She smiles, giving him another kiss. “Now go before you’re late.”

“Bye,” He tells them, walking out the door. 

“You better go too.” Natasha raises an eyebrow, looking at Steve. “Unless...you have something you want to ask?”

“I, uh...do actually.” He lets out an uneven breath, already regretting this.

“You waited until Bucky left...why? Don't guys talk about this stuff?” She asks, letting obvious confusion cover her face. 

“Yeah, they do, but sometimes it's easier talking to you about it. I love Buck, but I doubt he'd take it very seriously.”

“I get it.” Natasha laughs, biting into her apple. “I'm all ears, Rogers.”

“Okay. So if Sharon does mean what you said she means, then...do you have any tips?” Steve asks, biting the inside of his cheek nervously. 

“I’ve been waiting for this moment,” She sighs proudly, propping her chin on her fist. “Okay, do  _ not  _ let your first time be on the couch. So if she starts initiating something, find a way to move it to the bedroom. Also, just let her know it’s your first time. I don’t think she’ll be very surprised anyway, but just trust me.”

“O-Okay,” He nods, shoving his shaking hand in his pocket. “I’ll remember that.”

“Take it slow. Girls love that. Quickies were meant for five minute breaks at work, not a bedroom session, okay? Which I’m sure you know that, I can already tell you aren’t  _ that type.  _ But run your hands over her skin and through her hair. Kiss her neck and whisper against her skin how much you want her.”

“Okay, okay, I thought I could do this but...I can’t. I have to go.” Steve breathes out, blushing at her words. “Thanks, Romanoff.”

“You’ll be fine, Steve!” She laughs, watching him as he walks out the door. “And use your hands!”

When he gets to work, he thinks about everything for a good, long while. And then when no one’s around, he gets his phone out of his pocket and discreetly looks up tips himself, blushing the entire time. 

Steve’s hoping to see Sharon all day; maybe seeing her will ease his nerves and make him remember how happy he is around her. But, of course, the five minutes it takes for him to have a bathroom break, he just misses her by a minute. She leaves a note on his desk, saying: “Sorry I missed you. See you tonight!” He was sad he didn't see her, but that put a smile on his face for the rest of the day. 

“What's up with you?” Sam asks, making Steve jump a little with surprise. Sam just laughs and leans back in his seat, sighing. 

“I'm just...a little nervous, is all.” Steve props his elbows on his desk and puts his face in his hands. 

“So I think that means it's safe to say this has something to do with Carter, hmm?” Sam laughs, letting out an amused sigh. “Big plans tonight?”

“She invited me over to her place, and-” Steve starts, and before he can say anything else, Sam is already replying. 

“I see what’s going on. You, Rogers, are nervous to sleep with Sharon.” Sam shrugs his shoulders, a big smile on his face. “This is almost too good.”

“You and Natasha both just...jump to conclusions. That probably doesn’t even  _ mean  _ anything, and I’m this nervous for nothing.” He swallows thickly, tapping his pencil against his desk.

“Oh, it means something. What did Natasha say?” Sam asks, and suddenly the incessant words of Bucky talking about how much Sam likes Natasha are running through Steve’s mind. 

“Same thing as you. She’s...she’s just Natasha. I don’t know how else to describe it.” Steve laughs, taking in a long, much needed breath that makes his vision blur and then sharpen. “Speaking of Natasha, she’s actually working at the gym tonight. Maybe you should go by and let her see a friendly face since I can’t.”

Even though he keeps a straight face, Steve can practically  _ see _ the gears grinding in Sam’s mind. But calmly, he only says, “Yeah?”

Steve isn’t exactly sure what possessed him to tell him that. He loves Natasha and Bucky together, and he  _ knows  _ Sam likes her. Maybe it’s that his subconscious is angry about how many hours he’s been awake because of Bucky and Natasha, or maybe it’s his underlying layer of anger he has towards Bucky right now for not telling him what’s wrong. He isn’t sure what it is, but he already feels bad about what he just did. But it isn’t like anything’s going to happen, right? Sam just has a small  _ crush  _ on Natasha, but she’s in  _ love  _ with Bucky. 

“Yeah, she uh, got stuck with the stupid night shift.” Steve nods, suddenly now feeling very, very wrong. It isn’t like Bucky’s some insane jealous boyfriend or that he’ll even  _ care  _ that Sam and Nat spend time together, but Steve knows he told him for a reason that was other than wanting Natasha to be able to see a friendly face, and he’s angry at himself for it because he still isn’t even sure  _ why  _ he did it. 

“I’ll stop by. I usually do after work anyway.” Sam says, shrugging nonchalantly. Steve’s too perceptive for his own good sometimes. 

When the work day is finally over, Steve immediately feels nervousness and excitement take over his body. He decides to walk home after work so he can grab a coffee and clear his mind. It doesn’t work, really, but he pretends it does.

He gets ready early. Early, as in he started at about five thirty, and he doesn’t have to leave until  _ seven  _ thirty. After finally finding a casual outfit to wear and fixing his hair, he just sits on the couch to watch TV for the remainder of time. 

While he’s sitting there, he starts to wonder where Bucky is. He got off over an hour ago, but he’s still not home. He probably just stayed at the gym a little longer to surprise Natasha, Steve realizes. 

When his watch turns seven thirty, he gets up to finally leave. When he reaches the door, though, he stops. He closes his eyes and sighs, and then walks into Bucky’s room, wiping the sweat from his palms onto his pants. Then he opens the nightstand, and pulls out a condom from Bucky’s stash. Without even looking at it, he shoves it into his pocket. But when he gets to the door he hesitates. This may be the absolute  _ douchiest  _ thing he’s ever done. He’s going to Sharon’s house, yeah, but should he even be  _ preparing  _ to have sex with her? He doesn’t want to just expect something like that, especially when Sharon only asked him to come watch a movie with her. So, realizing he’s an idiot, he opens the drawer again, and drops the condom in there. He walks away, and, again at the door, stops. But...what if she  _ does  _ want to have sex with him, and he doesn’t have a condom? Should he just tell her he doesn’t have one, and let it be awkward the rest of the night? He wishes he had a normal person’s perspective, instead of Natasha and Sam’s weirdly-always-in-the-gutter ones. 

So just in case, he goes back and grabs it, vowing to not even think about it sitting in his pocket unless something  _ actually  _ happens between them. Otherwise, it’s just a small packet that won’t be paid any mind to. 

He’s scared; terrified, actually, as he gets to the front door to leave. Right as he turns the doorknob, he almost gets knocked down from someone pushing it on the other side. 

“Oh, sorry, Steve,” Bucky laughs as Steve steps back, letting him walk through. 

“Where have you been? By the smell of you I would guess bathing in whiskey,” Steve sighs, turning and watching Bucky sit on the recliner. “I thought you stopped drinking, Buck.”

“I did until about two hours ago,” Bucky half laughs, humming drunkenly to himself. “And at the bar. But I think that’s obvious.”

“Why? Why would you do that?” Steve asks, running his hands through his gelled hair with worry. Lots and lots of worry. “Come on, Bucky, you were doing well.” 

“Aren’t you supposed to be on a date right now or something?” Bucky asks, dodging all of Steve’s questions. 

“Yeah, but I...I’m not leaving you like this. You’ll do something stupid like you always do when you’re wasted. And you definitely shouldn’t be alone, either.” Steve rubs the bridge of his nose, stressed out to no end. This should be his night, not another night where he has to babysit Bucky likes he’s a kid. 

“Look, Steve, I thought you were gonna be gone anyway. Just go have sex with Carter, I don’t care.” Bucky laughs, but he has a slight edge to his voice. 

“What’s wrong with you? Why did you even drink? Did something happen?” Steve asks gently, even though he wants to be angry. 

“I just wanted to drink. It’s as simple as that.” Bucky retorts, getting out of the chair. Steve knows when Bucky drinks a lot, and this is one of those times. His eyes are glazed over like it isn’t even  _ him,  _ and he can barely even walk without falling over. “So, back to Carter.”

“What about her?” Steve sighs, already knowing something crude’s about to come from Bucky’s mouth. 

“You’re really going to have sex with her tonight, aren’t you?” Bucky walks up to him, laughing. “I bet you even have a condom on your right now, right? Let me see…” Steve has to practically  _ fight  _ him to keep him from patting him down. But once he patted the front right pocket, Bucky’s face lit up like he just won the jackpot. “There it is.”

So he pulled it out of Steve’s pocket, laughing. “Steve Rogers getting laid. I never thought I’d see the day.”

“Stop being such a jerk,” Steve snatches it out of his hand, shoving it back in his pocket. “Nat’s going to be mad when she figures out you started drinking again. I am too.”

“You both act like I’m some alcoholic or something. Everyone drinks.” Bucky rolls his eyes, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

“Yeah, Buck. Including your dad. Do you really want to be like him?” Steve asks gently, knowing if he used the wrong tone he might quite literally get punched in the face.

“I’m  _ not  _ like him,” Bucky seethes, grinding his teeth. “And I never will be.”

“I don’t know what’s going on with you lately, but why don’t you just leave Natasha out of it until you figure it out? You don’t deserve her when you’re like this.” Steve tells him, and Bucky just sits there in thought. 

“Natasha,” Bucky whispers, putting his face in his hands like he’s remembering something. Steve can say a lot about alcohol, but throughout their lives if he’s ever wanted to know something from Bucky, intoxication is the answer. That’s the only time Bucky’s an open book. 

“What about her?” Steve asks, sitting down on a stool next to Bucky. 

“I love her.” Bucky says, turning to look at Steve. That’s another side effect of inebriation: mood swings. Now Bucky’s upset. “I love her so much.”

“Then...what’s wrong?” Steve asks softly, obviously able to tell it’s serious. There’s a pause, and Bucky gulps.

“I don’t love her like  _ that.”  _  He whispers, glancing up at Steve in complete and utter sadness. “I want to. I want to so bad, and I’ve tried for so long but I can’t.”

“Oh, Bucky,” Steve pulls him into a hug, and it takes a second for Bucky to hug back. “Then why would you sleep with her? After all of this time?”

“I thought it would change things for us. I thought if I gave her what she wanted, I would be able to love her after some time. But it didn’t work, and now I’m worse off than before. And I keep trying to play along thinking one day I’ll wake up and be in love with her. But I’m stuck, and I’m scared. I don’t want to lose either of you, and I know what I’ve been doing is worthy of you both hating me.” Bucky says, making Steve pull back and look at him.

“Do you actually think either of us would ever hate you? God, Bucky, after all we've been through how could you even think that? The only thing driving us away from each other is when you don't tell me stuff like this. I want to help; I wish you'd trust me on that.” Steve tells him, feeling sick at the thought of Bucky going through all of this alone. 

“I know. I just...I don't want to hurt her. That's the last thing I want to do. I just know I can't make her happy, but God, I wish I could.” He gulps, and clenches his fist. Bucky always has these different stages of emotions when he's drunk. And Steve already knows which one is next. “I'm such an asshole. And I tried so hard not to drink, I did, but I don't know how to cope sober. Please don't tell Natasha. Please. She’ll be so upset.”

“I won’t. Just don’t do this again, okay? We love you, Buck, you don’t need alcohol.” Steve puts his hand on his shoulder, and Bucky looks down at it. Then he looks back up at Steve, clenching his jaw. But not in anger this time. 

“I always remember, even when I say I don’t. I’m never drunk enough to forget.” Bucky says quietly, and Steve looks down at the floor. Here’s the touchy-feely stage. 

“Why did you lie about that night when I kissed you, then?” Steve asks, taking in a breath. “I always thought you remembered it.”

“I guess I thought it was the best thing to do. I thought it would make it weird or something,” Bucky laughs a little, looking at Steve’s lips like he’s remembering the moment. Steve clears his throat a little, looking away. 

“It wasn’t weird for me. I mean...was it for you?” Steve asks, really kind of wishing they weren’t having this conversation right now. 

“No. Not at all.” Bucky keeps staring him down, and Steve pretends like he doesn’t notice. “I just thought you did.”

“After everything, do you really think I’d look at you differently because we  _ kissed?”   _ Steve laughs, shaking his head. “Sometimes I don’t even think you know me.”

“Shut up.” Bucky laughs, throwing a dish towel at him. They laugh for a second, and then sigh. “I’m tired.”

“That’s because you’re wasted. Oh, and also maybe the fact that you were in the next room practically yelling all night might have made a difference.” Steve laughs, standing up and helping Bucky out of his seat. Bucky put his arm around Steve’s shoulder and laughs, letting Steve practically carry him to his room. Steve can’t even count how many times he’s done this. 

He takes him to his bed, and pulls the cover over him as he switches the lamp off. 

“Go see Sharon. I’m sorry for keeping you here. You still have time.” Bucky looks up at Steve, with his eyes opening and shutting heavily. 

“I can’t leave you like this. We’ll just...reschedule, I guess.” Steve tells him, shoving his hands in his pockets. Bucky moves over to the other side of the bed, and then pats the side he was just on.

“Sleep, then.” Bucky laughs groggily, letting his eyes shut. “I can’t stay awake.”

“It’s only eight,” Steve laughs, but gets in next to him all the same. “Which reminds me...I’m gonna text Sharon.”

He pulls his phone out and explains the problem, and Bucky’s breathing starts to even out as Steve waits for a text back. When she replies telling him it’s okay and she understands, he smiles and sets his phone on the night stand. 

“Remember when we would go to bed before our curfew so we could get up early and watch cartoons?” Bucky laughs, his eyes still closed. “God, I’m so drunk.”

“I remember. And we would build tents in our backyards, pretending we were out in the wild.” Steve laughs, shaking his head as he stared up at the ceiling. Bucky laughs a little too, but then there’s silence. 

“What the hell am I going to do?” Bucky suddenly whispers, gulping in the darkness. Steve immediately realizes they aren’t talking about childhood memories anymore. Steve turns on his side and looks at him, even though he can barely even make out the outline of him. 

“We’ll figure it out. Don’t worry about it right now.” Steve tells him, sighing. He wishes Bucky wasn’t in this situation at all. 

A few minutes go by, but Steve’s mind is whirring aimlessly around drifting thoughts. His heart races as he’s pulled out of his thoughts by the feel of Bucky’s hand on his arm. Bucky used to do this all the time; he always wanted to hold or touch something while he’s sleeping. But it’s not long after that, when Steve hears the bed creaking with Bucky’s movements. Before Steve can even ask what Bucky’s doing, he gets cut off by Bucky’s lips pressing against his. He can hear and feel Bucky’s breathlessness already, and Steve’s too shocked to even react logically.

Bucky’s hand holds Steve’s cheek, and he kisses him gently. His skin has always been soft and warm to the touch, but it contrasts perfectly with the rougher effect that comes from the feel of his stubble when they kiss. He tastes like alcohol, yes, but something inside of Steve tells him to pull him closer; kiss him harder. 

But he doesn’t. Steve, suddenly out of breath himself, sits up and breaks away from the kiss. 

“What the hell was that for?” Steve asks, swallowing thickly. He feels...shocked. 

Bucky, weirdly laughing right now, simply says, “I just wanted to see what you would do.”

That’s not exactly a real answer, but it’s only two short minutes later when he’s snoring. Steve, despite barely having had any sleep for the past week, is still unable to fall asleep. He spends all of his night lying awake and wondering what happened. But he’s mostly trying to figure out why he didn’t want it to stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another kiss!! I hope you all enjoyed reading this chapter as much as I loved writing it :)


	17. Waffle House

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to change my updating schedule. From now on if I don't update on Sunday's, I'll update on Monday's instead! If you have any questions, just ask :)

When Steve finally wakes up, he knows it’s still not morning time yet. Well, at least not _daylight_ yet. It does take him a second to remember where he is though, until he realizes where all of the heat is coming from. Bucky always sweats in his sleep, and his body is up against Steve’s. He’s still in a dream state now; it’s blurry what’s going on exactly, but it’s familiar. Then Steve feels a dip in the bed, and that makes him slip further into consciousness.

The smell of Natasha’s perfume immediately takes over his senses, and he starts realizing it’s probably about four-thirty in the morning right now since she’s off work. She wraps her arms around him and nuzzles her face against his back, sighing sleepily. Steve almost instantly falls right back into a dreamless sleep with both of them curled up against him.

When he wakes up the _next_ time, the bed is a mess of limbs and hair. Steve’s still in the middle, but his arms are around Bucky and Natasha, and they’re both lying on/or against his chest. Their legs are tangled together, and the sun’s shining through the window. He’s only awake because of Natasha’s incessant shifting. It’s obvious that she’s not sleeping well, and now Steve’s awake too since they went to bed so early.

His eyes slowly open, blinking heavily. His memory is flooded with thoughts from last night: missing his date, talking to a drunk Bucky, and finally...the kiss. Bucky kissed him.

Steve stretched a little, trying not to wake either of them. But Natasha's already up, scrolling on her phone.

“Can't sleep?” Steve asks, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

“Nope,” She laughs, sitting up and looking at him. “My stupid sleeping schedule is gonna be out of cycle for like a week now.”

“Well I'm up now too. We, uh, went to bed early.” Steve whispers, staring up at the ceiling.

“Yeah, why aren't you at Sharon's?” Natasha asks, suddenly realizing as she sits up.

“It's a long story.” He groans, gently pulling his arm out from under Bucky.

“Well you can tell me over breakfast. I'm starving for some blueberry waffles.” Natasha laughs, grabbing Steve’s arm and trying to pull him out of bed. He weighs too much of course, so he doesn't even budge until _he_ decides to. “You slept in your date clothes?”

“Over breakfast, remember?” Steve laughs, following her out of the room.

“Where are you guys going?” Bucky groans, making Steve peek back into the room.

“To get breakfast. Wanna come?” Steve asks, remembering last night again. _Everything_ last night. He's so confused about all of it.

“How could I pass up on breakfast?” Bucky laughs, pulling himself out of bed. He pulls his t-shirt off and tosses it in a chair in the corner, and then he stretches as he walks over to his dresser. Steve watches him and gulps, and then tears his eyes away when Natasha pushes past him and goes to Bucky.

“Missed you.” She smiles, pulling him down to kiss her. In the middle of the kiss Bucky opens his eyes and looks at Steve. Now that Steve knows the truth, everything's different. He has no idea how Bucky's going to tell her how he feels.

“I missed you too, Nat,” He laughs, putting his hand on the small of her back. “Let me get dressed and then we can go.”

“I’m gonna step out and call Sharon. Maybe we can do it tonight instead or something. The date, not...never mind. I’ll be right back.” Steve says, taking in a breath as he pulls his phone out of his pocket. He see’s that it’s only six thirteen a.m. “Um...actually, I think I’ll wait a few hours; I didn’t realize how early it was.”

“Let’s go then.” Bucky laughs, yawning as he walks ahead of them through the living room. “Waffle House?”

“Yes,” Natasha nods, grabbing her wallet from the counter. “They have the best waffles.”

So they get in the taxi and head to Waffle House. That’s where they always go when no one feels like cooking. Well, when _Steve_ doesn’t feel like cooking, more like.

Bucky doesn’t act strange at all. Steve knows he remembers; he wasn’t _that drunk_ by the time they went to bed. But he isn’t acting regretful or weird one bit. He’s acting like normal Bucky, but Steve knows he isn’t acting like normal Steve.

“So tell me about what happened last night.” Natasha raises an eyebrow, sipping her orange juice after they order.

“Uhh…” Steve glances at Bucky, remembering how Bucky begged him not to tell her about his drinking last night. But Steve’s never been a good liar.

“I got drunk after work,” Bucky cut in, realizing he put him in a compromising position by asking him not to tell. “It was stupid, and I shouldn’t have. But I did, and so Steve stayed home to make sure I was okay. Then we fell asleep early, and that leads up to current events.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Natasha holds her hand up, narrowing her eyes. “You got drunk? I thought you stopped drinking two weeks ago.”

“I did. But I broke last night, and I’m sorry. I really am. I’m stopping for good now.” He promises, sighing sadly because he knows he let them down.

“It’s okay, just...did something happen?” She asks, reaching over and holding his hand. “Something to make you do it?”

“No. No, no, nothing like that. I just...I had been fighting it for a few days, and I was tired of it. So I got weak enough to give in.” He lies, and Steve looks down at the table. It bothers him that everything he told Steve last night had been built up and never let out. He wishes Bucky would have just _told_ him.

“Sometimes you break; especially if you quit cold turkey like that. It's okay.” She smiles at him, but she looks a little worried, and Steve doesn't blame her.

“Thanks for understanding.” He kisses her forehead, and then breathes in deeply in relief.

“So how did you two end up in bed together, then? Something I should know?” Natasha smirks, and knocks her arm against Bucky’s playfully.

It was unspoken that neither would tell what happened last night. Really, it even seemed like Bucky was pretending it didn’t happen at all.

“Actually, Steve woke up with morning wood.” Bucky laughs, making Steve's face feel hot.

“Shut up, I did not.” Steve replies, avoiding eye contact at all costs.

“You're blushing!” Natasha gasps, slapping her hand over her mouth dramatically. “Did you?”

“No! Bucky is just a troublemaker. That didn't happen.” Steve shakes his head, huffing embarrassedly. “I can't believe you still think he's telling the truth about that stuff after all of this time knowing him.”

“Yeah, I shouldn't believe it,” She laughs, pushing his arm. “You're a good friend, Steve. Not many guys would pass up getting laid for making sure their friend didn't do something stupid.”

“He’d do it for me,” Steve shrugs it off, glancing around the room and sipping his drink. “So did Sam come by the gym last night?”

“Yeah. Yeah, he stayed a while, actually. He kept me from being bored to death.” She laughs, tracing her finger around the rim of her glass. “How’d you know?”

“I told him you were gonna work last night. He said he always goes at that time anyway, so he’d drop by.” Steve shrugs, laughing a little.

“Why are you laughing? What’s so funny?” She asks, looking between Steve and Bucky, who are exchanging amused glances.

“Nothing,” Steve clears his throat, trying to stop smiling. It feels impossible.

“Jesus Christ, leave me alone!” Natasha half laughs, half scoffs, throwing a pack of grape jelly at him.

“I'm just saying, I'm like the _leader_ of not picking up on stuff, but even _I_ can tell he likes you. A lot.” Steve shrugs, and Natasha blushes a little. Natasha _never_ blushes.

“You guys are idiots. He just wanted to keep me company.” She pushes her hair behind her ear, trying to act like she's unfazed.

“Yeah? How long did he stay?” Bucky asks, smirking as he questions her.

“Uh...just...from like, six until I was off work.” She replies, not even making eye contact with either of them as she leans down and sips her drink. Bucky bursts out in laughter, almost spewing out his drink.

“And you don’t think he likes you?! Come on, Nat, seriously. It’s the most obvious thing ever.” Steve says, sitting back in his seat and laughing.

He knew that he and Bucky were most likely thinking the same thing: if her and Sam got together, Bucky may not even _have_ to tell her his feelings. She probably already subconsciously knows his feelings for her, and that alone may drive her to Sam.

“I don’t know...maybe he does.” Natasha shrugs, smiling so much that Steve is sure her cheeks must hurt by now. “So what?”

“We just wanted you to finally admit that you knew. There’s no way you couldn’t have.” Bucky laughs, shaking his head.

“Okay, just because guys think everything is a pass at them _doesn’t mean_ I’m just supposed to “know” they like me.” Natasha rolls her eyes, kicking Steve’s shin under the table.

“Everyone who comes in contact with you likes you, Nat. You’re just charming.” Steve laughs, and she sits back in the seat, sighing. “Poor Wilson didn’t even stand a chance.”

“Oh, shut up,” She laughs, tossing a balled-up napkin at him. “You’re both just idiots.”

“Maybe so, but we know what we’re talking about.” Bucky shrugs, sitting up straighter as the waitress approaches with their food.

Steve doesn’t know how, but he knows all of this will work out. Nothing will be able to break the bond that the three of them have; not even heartbreak.


	18. Stress Reliever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm updating a little early, and this one's super long! Hope you like it :)

“Are you gonna call Sharon?” Natasha asks, setting her to-go box on the kitchen counter.

“I'm not really sure when she wakes up, but it's pretty early still so I'll just text her and ask her to call me when she has time.” He replies, pulling his phone out as he sits on a stool. 

“It only took me two weeks to forget how bad hangovers are,” Bucky presses his forehead against the counter, groaning miserably. 

“Only  _ one  _ of the consequences of drinking so much.” Steve replies, patting Bucky’s back with a laugh. Bucky turns his head, looking at Steve. He’s just watching him, not even smiling or anything. Steve’s smile fades, and he looks away quickly, scratching the back of his neck. 

“So Nat,” Steve says, trying to pull himself out of this situation.  _ Is  _ it even a situation? “What are we doing today?”

“I don’t know,” She shrugs, throwing away old leftovers from the fridge. “Whatever you guys wanna do.”

“What? No, you’re the decision maker, you know that. We’ll never decide on something.” Steve laughs lightly, and she grins. He isn’t sure if Bucky’s still watching him or not, but he isn’t brave enough to look and see. 

“Fine, then. We could go tour the museums and get hot dogs.” She suggests, shrugging her shoulders. “I haven’t done that in a while.”

“That sounds fun. Buck?” Steve asks, finally having a reason to look at him. His eyes are shut. 

“What?” He asks, blinking them back open. 

“Natasha wants us to go to a few museums and get hot dogs for lunch,” Steve gulps at the weird tension between them both, but tries his hardest to pretend nothing’s wrong. “Is that fine with you?”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s good. I’m gonna take a few aspirin and drink about ten gallons of water before we go though, or it won’t be fun for any of us.” He laughs tiredly, and gets up. 

“Has he been acting….weird to you? Kinda?” Natasha whispers, right as Bucky walks into his room. 

“What, uh,  _ kind _ of weird?” Steve asks, looking down at the table and tracing his finger around it. He knows that the harder he tries to act normal, the less normal he actually is. 

“I don’t know. He’s just...not himself the past few days. And he drank last night. What was that about? He says it’s nothing but it had to have been something, right?” She bites her lip, concerned. “Should I be worried?”

“Uh…” Steve breathes out, stuck in a horrible situation. He doesn’t want to lie to her, but what can he even say?  _ Oh, it’s just that he doesn’t love you like you love him and he’s trying to figure out how to tell you. Don’t worry!  _ “I don’t know, Nat. You need to ask him about it.”

“I know, I know. I’m just a little freaked out, I guess. If he keeps acting weird then I’ll ask him, I promise.” She breathes out, and Steve nods in understanding. Steve wishes he could just tell her. 

Suddenly his phone buzzes in his pocket, and he pulls it out and looks at the name. It’s Sharon. 

“I’ll be right back.” Steve grins, breathing in as he goes to his room and sits on his bed, answering it. “Hey.”

“Hey, Steve,” She says on the other line, and he gulps. 

“Look, I’m...I’m sorry about last night. Bucky kind of has...well,  _ had  _ a problem with drinking, and when he came back last night drunk, I got really worried. I couldn’t leave him. I’m sorry. Do you think maybe we can do it tonight instead?” He asks hopefully, fidgeting with a loose thread on his blanket. 

“Don’t apologize. Seriously, I understand, and I’m glad you took care of him. But...I can’t tonight. Last night was the only free night I have this weekend. I’m sorry, I really wanted to see you.” She sighs, and he looks down, nodding even though she can’t see it. 

“No, don’t worry about it,” He says, feeling a little sad. “It’s okay. I understand you’re busy. Next weekend?”

“Definitely,” She replies, and he can hear the smile in her voice, which makes him smile. “I can’t wait.”

“Me neither.” He answers, and they sit there in silence for a few seconds. 

“I’ll see you Monday, yeah?” She says, and replies with “Yeah.” They say their goodbyes, and Steve slides his phone back in his pocket as he walks back in the kitchen. Bucky’s back in there now, gulping down a bottle of water. 

“I guess you guys are stuck with me again tonight,” Steve laughs a little, sighing. “I think she’s going to visit her aunt tonight, so we’ll have to do it next weekend instead.”

“Aww, I’m sorry, Steve,” Natasha sticks her bottom lip out, putting away the last washed dish. “We’ll have fun anyway though, right James?” 

“Hmm?” Bucky asks, turning around and looking at them. He has a slight smile on his face, because he knows he did that thing again where he doesn’t listen, and Natasha rolls her eyes and laughs, before repeating herself. Steve takes a second to think about how many times he’s seen this face on him; the face that shows how little he really is in the same world as the rest of them. It’s always as if he’s imagining something bigger and better than what he has now, where his eyes glaze over and he might as well be dead to the world for how little he’s conscious to it. Steve’s always wanted to know what he’s thinking about in those moments.

“Steve can’t see Sharon ‘till next weekend, but he’ll still have fun, right? We’ll have fun today since he was looking forward to seeing her.” She elaborates, and Bucky looks at Steve, nodding.

"Yeah, sounds good. We'll have fun." Bucky nods, looking right at him.

And they do. First off they go to the Met. They tour around the giant rooms, examining every piece of art they have to offer. On a particular one, Bucky has to go up to Natasha and hold her because she's crying. Steve doesn't really understand that; it's just a painting that looks like someone splashed dark reds and oranges on. But he's always appreciated the beautiful art of human emotion in itself, and however that may come out for different people.

When lunch time approaches, they walk a few blocks so they can find "the best hot dog stand in all of New York" (direct quote from Sam Wilson.)

"Damn...these really are good," Natasha takes a huge bite, and Steve follows suit.

"They really are. I should have listened to him sooner," Steve says, leaning back on the bench, watching people pass as he takes the first bite of his third hot dog.

"Here," Bucky laughs, using his thumb to wipe a dab of mustard from the corner of Steve's mouth. Then Natasha says something about college, and Bucky laughs and turns towards her as he licks the mustard from his finger, not paying any more attention to Steve at all. That was normal though, right? If Bucky had mustard on his face, Steve would tell him. He may not lick it off of his finger, but...any other person would, right? Natasha definitely would. He decides he's just extremely aware of every little thing now because of what happened last night, and he just wishes it would all go back to normal. He's sure he's the only thing that's even changed.

"Thanks," Steve finally says, forcing out a laugh. Bucky isn't listening though, he's still talking to Natasha. Steve sits there eating, watching people go by. It doesn't matter how many people are around him right now, the fact is that he still feels completely alone and he doesn't know why.  

"You okay, babe?" Natasha leans over Bucky, putting her hand on Steve's arm. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Nothing, I'm fine." He laughs, swallowing thickly. She still looks concerned, but she doesn't push it any further. Just then he hears a familiar voice, and he looks up. Sam's standing there, ordering hot dogs. He hasn't noticed them yet.

"Wilson!" Steve walks up to him, patting a hand to his back. "Good to see you!"

"Steve, hey," Sam laughs, taking the hot dog from the employee and walking with Steve to the bench. When he see's Natasha, he stops in his tracks. Steve stops too, confused for a second before realizing. Then Sam starts walking again, and fixes his jacket.

"I decided to finally try this place out. It's really good; we all love it." Steve explains, and Sam laughs as they approach the bench.

"Sam," Natasha smiles in surprise, looking up at him. "It's good to see you. What are you doing here?"

"I actually just woke up not too long ago. I was really tired; I don't usually stay up late. But I woke up hungry, and ended up here. I try to come at least once on the weekend." He explains, and Steve sees the obvious chemistry between the two of them, even if Natasha hasn't quite realized it herself yet.

"That's great. And yeah, Steve told me you kept hyping it up, but I didn't realize how good it was until I tried it myself." She's still smiling, now tucking her hair behind her ear. They're talking like Bucky and Steve aren't even present at all.

"Right? Probably my favorite food since I've lived here." Sam laughs, and Bucky looks over at Steve, rubbing the bridge of his nose with a laugh. Steve can't help but laugh along with him.

"Oh God, I'm being so rude," She laughs, shaking her head. "James, scoot over a little so Sam can sit while he eats."

"Oh hey, Bucky," Sam nods, and Bucky puts his hand out for him to shake.

"Wilson," He replies, nodding with a laugh. "Nice too see you. It's been a while, man."

"Yeah, yeah, it has," Sam nods, not exactly knowing his place in this situation. Because he now thinks Natasha and Bucky are dating, but Bucky's not having any sort of bad feelings towards him, and the confusion from that is obvious on his face. Steve doesn't think Sam's any sort of homewrecker; he would never do something like that. It's just the fact that Sam must know that Bucky and Steve know he likes Natasha, and his thoughts on it are logical. Shouldn't Bucky be a little jealous at least? Or uncomfortable with them hanging out all night?

Steve wishes he could just explain it all to him right now, but he can't. And he isn't even sure he'd be able to explain it.

They all talk for a while, and as the day passes they say their goodbyes. Sam had to go because he had one of his therapy sessions, anyway.

"Steve, I'm still worried about you. You seem down." Natasha frowns, as they walk home. They spent all of their money on hot dogs, so they couldn't pay a cab fare even if they wanted to. "Are you stressed?"

"It's just work, and Sharon, and just...stupid stuff. It's not a big deal, it's the normal stress." He laughs, squeezing her arm for reassurance.

"You need to relax so badly," She laughs, laying her head on his shoulder as they walk. Bucky's on the other side of her, once again not paying any attention. "Oh, my phone. It's Tony. I'll be right back?"

"Yeah, go ahead." Steve nods, and they stand in place while Natasha answers and walks away. "Since when does she have to be alone to talk to Tony?"

"You know Nat," Bucky laughs, looking over at her with a sigh. "She's a mystery."

When Steve gets out of the shower thirty minutes later, Natasha and Bucky are laying on the couch. They're whispering to each other, but Steve doesn't think much of it since they always do that.

"Hey, Steve," Natasha smiles, watching him sit down in the chair. "Feeling any better?"

"Not really," He shrugs and laughs, shutting his eyes. "Something smells good. Did you cook?"

"Oh yeah," Natasha laughs, picking up the plate from the coffee table in front of her. "Tony wanted to apologize for having me on the night shift last night, so he sent some freshly-baked cookies as a gift. Pepper made them. Want one?"

"Yeah, sure," He laughs, reaching for one off the plate. Natasha and Bucky take one too, and they watch curiously as he takes his first bite. "What?"

"Nothing. Just seeing if you liked it, is all," Natasha shrugs, trying not to laugh. Bucky's the same way.

"You're both so strange sometimes," Steve laughs, shoving the rest of it in his mouth. He eats another after, but they stop him when he’s reaching for his third.

"You may want to wait a little bit. Just...to let it settle." Bucky offers, and Steve shakes his head. 

“I’ve eaten a dozen cookies before, I’m sure I’ll be fine,” Steve laughs suspiciously, and Natasha catches his hand after he takes a chunk out of the third cookie. 

“Don’t...don’t eat them all,” She laughs, setting it back down on the plate. “These are  _ my  _ cookies, remember?”

“Fine, fine,” Steve raises his hands in defense, laughing a little. “Why are you both acting so weird?”

“We aren’t,” Bucky replies, switching the TV on. 

They watch an episode of a cooking show, and it only has about ten minutes left when he starts feeling strange. His head feels weirdly heavy somehow, like there's pressure on it. His shoulders relax against the chair, and he feels like he's taking the first real, effective breath in ages.

"I feel weird," He says, blinking his eyes open. Natasha's laying on Bucky's shoulder, and Bucky's eyes are half-closed. Steve tries to think for a second, but he can't even remember what he's trying to think about. His mind is fuzzy but clear, like everything before had been a giant whiteboard with scribbles and worries and someone just wiped it all away, leaving it clear.

"I asked Tony for a little...favor. You needed something to de-stress you." Natasha smiles at Steve, and he forgets her words as she says them.  _ What? _

"Huh?" He asks, feeling like his arms are jello.

"Pot cookies," Natasha sighs, and Bucky starts laughing.

"Pot...." Steve says out loud, but he still can't exactly process what those words mean. "Marijuana?!"

"Calm down," Bucky sticks his hand out, laughing coolly. "You needed it."

"I've never done a drug before, and I never wanted to," Steve tries to sit up, but then he decides he doesn't want to, so he sits back down. 

"It's okay, Steve. Just enjoy it." Natasha hums, and starts kissing the inside of Bucky's arm. His eyes are closed now, and Steve's watching them.

"What if I...I'm gonna get fired." Steve says, swallowing thickly. "I worked so hard for this job..."

"I guarantee every one of your coworkers have smoked weed before, and probably still do. It's okay, Steve, it's a plant. It's natural." Natasha says, but he can't quite grasp anything any of them say. He doesn't even know what he's saying as he's saying it. "It heightens your senses. Your sight, smell, taste, awareness of things around you. It intensifies your sexuality, too."

"How long...Does it last long?" Steve asks, trying to think of anything normal. But it's like he's in a different reality from the one he's normally in, but he can't even remember what the other one was even like. “And why did it take so long for me to feel it?”

"It depends. You ate two and a half cookies, so maybe a few hours at most. That's it. And edibles always take longer to hit you than joints." She smiles over at him, and Bucky's just staring at the ceiling. Steve tries to freak out and panic, but he physically can't. He doesn't even remember why he was trying to in the first place. 

"I'm hungry," He sighs, feeling his muscles relax for the first time in God knows how long.

"Let's get you something to eat, then." Natasha sits up, dragging Bucky out of his seat and thoughts.

"I know Bucky wanted tacos but I don't have the attention span for that right now," Steve stands by the counter next to Bucky, as Natasha rummages through the fridge.

"That's okay," Bucky pats his back, smiling at him.

"Perfect," Natasha sighs happily, pulling out a box of strawberries. She sets them on the counter and they all eat a few. It tastes better than anything Steve's ever had in his life.

"Ha, I got the last one," Natasha leans against the counter, looking up at Bucky as she eats it as sexually as possible. Her tongue glides over the side of it slowly, before she closes her eyes and moans as she finally bites into it. Bucky holds her waist and kisses her, swapping the sweetness between their mouths. Natasha's sighing and moaning, and Bucky pushes his fingers through her hair.

Steve's head feels heavy and light at the same time, and he gulps as he watches them. He wants to look away - that's the right thing to do...right? He can't remember anymore, but neither of them seem to care.

"Steve," Natasha breathes out, as her and Bucky's kiss ends. She sets her hand on Steve's arm, and then pulls him down to kiss her. He can taste the strawberry from her mouth as her tongue swipes over his. He sighs loudly, feeling loose and exhilarated and happy. Natasha pulls away and smiles at him, and then she puts her hands on Steve and Bucky's arms, guiding them closer together, signalling that it's their turn now.

Steve's thoughts are fuzzy, but nothing in his mind is telling him to stop. So he doesn't. Bucky moans as soon as their lips meet, and Steve feels his own body heating up in desire. Natasha's hands are rubbing their arms sensually, while Bucky has to keep breaking away briefly to catch his breath between each kiss.

Steve isn't sure in this state of confusion, but he’s almost positive that he felt Bucky utter the word "God," under his breath. 

Soon after that, Bucky breaks away to kiss Natasha again, running his hands all over her body. She whimpers and sighs, and Steve feels his vision focusing and then unfocusing. 

Natasha tugs Steve's arm a little, and she shifts from kissing Bucky to Steve seamlessly. He picks her up and sets her on the counter, kissing her like it’s the most normal thing to do. She grabs his hand and guides it down to rub her inner thigh, and the higher his hand gets, the louder  _ she _ gets. Steve can feel Bucky watching them, which fuels him even more.

Bucky grabs Steve's hips all of the sudden, turning him around and pressing him against the edge of the counter. He kisses him harder this time, and Steve can feel Bucky's erection pressing against his own. Steve lets out a deep moan, and Bucky reaches down to untie Steve's sweatpants. Steve feels the burning pit in his stomach growing bigger and bigger, and it's so overwhelming that he can't even grasp what he's doing right now.

Right as Bucky's about to reach into Steve's sweatpants, one of their phones starts ringing. That draws Steve's attention for long enough to make him pull away, gasping for breath.

"Ignore it," Natasha says smoothly, turning his face to kiss her. He knows something’s off, but the kiss is pulling him right back into his dazed state. Then Bucky kisses him, and then Natasha, and then his phone rings again. That sound was the closest thing to reality since he finished his second cookie.

"Sharon," Steve says, pulling away from them. His stomach twists, and he looks at them like they're strangers. "What are we doing? I'm with...I'm with Sharon."

Bucky watches Steve back away, his chest still rising and falling rapidly.

"I have to see if it's her," Steve takes a sharp breath, turning and going to his room. He searches all throughout the sheets and blankets, before realizing it's been sitting on his nightstand this entire time. He huffs and looks at his phone, seeing that there's a missed call and text from Sharon. He opens the text, and it reads:  _ I must have called at a bad time, but I wanted to let you know I just cancelled my plans for tonight so we could try this again. I don't want to wait until next week, so if you still want to come over, let me know. _

Steve gulps and reads over it about a thousand times, sighing. He can hear them both moaning from the kitchen, along with the loud pangs of pots and pans being knocked into.

What has he done?


	19. Realization

“How do I stop being high?” Steve says aloud, as he types it into Google. He’s lying on his bed, and his head is spinning. He wants to see Sharon. 

He feels completely conscious, unlike how he thought being high would feel. He imagined having no control over his actions, like he would be some sort of lunatic who couldn’t control himself. But it’s nothing like that. He’s fully aware and in control, but his views on things are a little skewed. 

Sleep is the main answer he finds to sobering up. But he can’t do that now; he has to talk to Sharon. Then there’s exercise, bathing, and drinking water. So he slowly gets out of bed, and starts doing pushups. He does them for about five or ten minutes, until he can’t anymore. Then he goes and takes a long, hot shower, praying he’ll feel like himself again soon. He stays in there so long, that eventually the water gets cold. It feels freezing, actually, and that’s helped him sober up more than anything else.

When he gets out, he stares at himself in the mirror for a few minutes. He feels halfway between sober and high still, and it’s probably the strangest thing he’s ever experienced. He wonders how some people can actually function under the influence like this in society sometimes. It seems like it would be impossible. 

“You’re fine. Millions of people have done this, and they’re okay. It’s temporary.” He tells himself, looking in the mirror. He goes back to his room, and looks at his phone. He thought he had been in the bathroom for at  _ least  _ two hours, but it’s only been twenty minutes. He feels like he’s going crazy. 

“What did Sharon want?” Natasha asks, lingering in his doorway as he stares at his phone. Her head is laying against the doorway, and she’s smiling for no reason. He thinks about what happened in the kitchen, but he’s still not himself enough to think twice about it. 

“She cancelled her plans tonight so she could come see me,” He says, and then shakes his head. “I mean for me to come see her.”

“Go, then,” Natasha laughs, walking over and sitting on the edge of the bed. “I know you miss her.”

“I still feel weird. I want to be myself when I see her.” He explains, laying back on the bed and looking up at the ceiling. 

“You’re not really acting weird. Just...more relaxed. It’ll probably be easier to have sex like this since you aren’t nervous.” She laughs, and he just stares blankly. 

“Maybe,” He sighs, putting his face in his hands. “Where’s Bucky?”

“I’m here,” Bucky says from the doorway, walking in to join them. “What’s going on?”

“Sharon changed plans and wants Steve to come over, but he doesn’t want to go over there high.” Natasha tells Bucky, and they all end up lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling. 

Somehow, even when he was purposely trying not to, Steve falls asleep. 

He wakes up sweating, and it’s almost dark outside now. He switches his light on and looks around the room, feeling so normal again that it even feels weird. He gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen, and Bucky’s sitting on a stool, and Natasha’s cooking something on the stove. 

“How long was I asleep?” Steve asks, feeling anger build inside of him while he looks at them. 

He remembers, looking at them now, the way he felt. They were all pressed against each other, kissing, feeling each others’ bodies. He felt...good. So good, in fact, that he didn’t want to think about it too much longer. 

“Almost two hours,” Natasha says, sensing his anger. “Listen, Steve, Bucky and I talked about what we did. We’re so sorry; we know it was wrong now.”

“You’re damn right it was wrong,” He walks into the kitchen, looking between them. “How could you think it was okay to drug someone without them knowing? That would never be okay, in any situation. Ever.”

“I know. God, I know, Steve. We’re so sorry. When I requested it from Tony, I honestly wasn’t thinking about how wrong it was. We really, really weren’t thinking at all. The only thing we did think about is how fun it might be, and you wouldn’t be stressed for a night. I’m so sorry; we should have asked. I feel terrible.” Natasha says, gulping and letting tears fill her eyes. 

“I do too. Steve, come on, you have to believe us when we say we were just being idiots. It was a big mistake. We weren’t thinking about it being non-consensual drug use or anything. That hadn’t even gone through our minds at all, or we wouldn’t have done it. We really are sorry.” Bucky tells him, looking in his eyes. “It’s so completely messed up thinking back on it.”

“Yeah, it is,” Steve crosses his arms, shaking his head. “And what about what happened in the kitchen, then?”

“Steve, that was a complete accident. None of us were feeling ourselves then. It was weird, and it won’t ever happen again. It wasn’t planned or anything to get you to open up, I swear. I was just as messed up as you were, and James was, too. I know it’s our fault that it even happened though, and I feel horrible. So, so horrible.” Natasha’s voice breaks as she lets herself cry. “I didn’t mean for that to happen.”

“I just don’t get it. You know I hate drugs; it doesn’t matter what kind they are. And that...threesome? Or whatever it was that was going on? You know that’s not me. It never will be. And now I feel terrible because I’m with Sharon and I did that.” He says, shaking his head sadly. 

“That wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t Steve. She’ll understand.” Bucky promises, and Steve can tell that he genuinely means it. 

He doesn’t want to stay mad at them; he knows they’re really and truly sorry. But he needs to. He feels horrible and sick and he doesn’t know what else to do. 

“I’m gonna go. Please don’t call or text me; I need some time to think about stuff.” Steve says, swallowing thickly as he walks to the door. Natasha cries even harder. 

“How do we make him believe? I feel so sick.” He hears Natasha ask Bucky through the door after he walks out, so he halts his steps and waits to listen. 

“He believes us, Nat. We just need to really give him his time. He knows we love him and would never do anything to purposely hurt him in anyway.” Bucky tells her, and Steve looks at the floor. Then he walks away, leaving the apartment. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t call,” Steve sighs, looking at a smiling Sharon. 

“No, no, it’s okay. Come in.” She laughs, opening the door and standing to the side to let him through. 

“I can’t stay long. I need to tell you something and I doubt you’ll want me here long after it anyway.” He gulps, and she furrows her eyebrows and motions for him to sit next to her on the couch. 

“What’s wrong? You can tell me.” She assures him, and he can’t breathe suddenly. 

“I, uh...I did pot. Well, I mean I ate it. In the form of a cookie.” He breathes the words out, not even wanting to look her in the eye. 

Suddenly she bursts out laughing, leaning over a little to catch her breath. 

“What?” He asks, smiling at her. “What’s so funny?”

“You’re cute.” She shakes her head, still laughing a little. “That’s a relief. I didn’t know what to expect.”

“Well, that’s not all exactly,” Steve swallows thickly, trying to find the right words. “After you called me the first time this morning, I was feeling stressed. I thought maybe you were mad at me for last night, and I was just a little upset. Anyway, Bucky and Natasha sort of...drugged me. Well, it  wasn’t like that. But they gave me the cookies without me knowing, and I don’t know how to feel about that.”

“Oh.” Sharon sits back, thinking. “That makes a difference.”

“It wasn’t some sinister act or anything; they were just trying to help me. I know that. It just bothers me that they know how I feel about drugs.” He sighs, and she nods. 

“I think you're right in being mad. That's pretty messed up. But you're also right in the fact that they really probably didn't even think of it in that way. They were just trying to help, and they got carried away. Did they apologize?” She asks, putting her hand on his arm. 

“Yeah. Yeah, they did right before I left. I know they feel terrible, but I didn't really wanna be there right then.” He laughs a little, shaking his head. 

“I understand completely. Steve, if that's why you didn't want to stay long-”

“-That's something else.” He stops her, praying this goes as well as telling her the other stuff did. 

“Oh,” She laughs a little, mentally preparing herself. “Go ahead.”

“Okay,” He breathes in, trying to find the right words to explain it to her. “I, uh...while I was under the influence, something happened.”

“Steve, you can tell me. There's nothing you could do that would make me think any different of you.”

He nods at that, feeling his heart warm from her words. He hopes she still feels the same way after her tells her.

“This is kind of...difficult. I'm just going to say it.” He gulps, breathing out. “Me and Natasha and Bucky almost...we almost had a threesome. It's...God, it was a mistake. None of us were ourselves, and I just...I feel horrible. I stopped as soon as I remembered you. I wasn't in my right mind, and I know that's not an excuse, but it's true. I'm so sorry.”

“Okay,” She nods, thinking. 

“We didn't...when I say we were ‘close’ to doing...that, I don't mean  _ close  _ close. We weren't...we were fully clothed and everything. But I know that's where it was headed if I hadn't stopped it.” He elaborates, and she laughs a little.

“It's okay, Steve. Really. You weren't even yourself. The fact that you even told me means I know I can trust you.” She smiles, and the relief he feels is instant. “It’s just...do I need to worry?”

“Worry? What do you mean?” He asks, furrowing his eyebrows. 

“Should I worry about you, maybe...having feelings for one of them?” She asks, biting her lip. 

“Feelings? For Natasha?” Steve laughs, shaking his head. What? “No way. There’s nothing there.”

“I’m...not just talking about Natasha.” She replies quietly, making his smile fade. 

“Then...what? You think I have feelings...for  _ Bucky?”  _ He laughs a little, confused. 

“Do you?” She asks, making him gulp. Of course he doesn’t like Bucky. He likes women; he always. He’s never even  _ thought  _ about Bucky in that way. And yeah, he’s kissed him, but that doesn’t mean anything. Yes, it was good to kiss him, but that still doesn’t mean anything. It’s good to kiss anyone. 

“No. No, no I don’t have feelings for Bucky. He’s...he’s my best friend. He always has been.” Steve tells her, but she isn’t very convinced. “My best friend, Sharon, and I tell him everything. That includes my crushes in high school. He even pushed me to ask you out, because I’ve liked you for so long. You, Sharon; no one else.”

She looks at him, letting a smile cover her face. And then she leans in and kisses him. They kiss like that for a few minutes; happy and playful. But then she pulls away once, and their smiles slowly disappear. 

“I like you too,” She whispers, scratching her fingers lightly against his neck. He swallows thickly, and that’s when she kisses him again. Slower and more intimate, but with so much more passion than before that it makes his heart race. 

She slowly gets closer to him, and gently pushes his chest until his back is against the couch. She’s on top of him now, and his fingers are slowly running through her hair. He’s scared.

“Do you want to go to my room?” She asks, breathing out hot air against his lips. Now, all of the sudden, everything Natasha told him is rushing into his thoughts.  _ Find a way to move it to the bedroom.  _

“I, uh,” He whispers, his hands shaking. He can’t stop thinking of the way Bucky pushed him against the counter.  _ Just let her know it’s your first time.  _ “This is...it’s my first time. You’ve probably already guessed that, but I just wanted you to know.”

She kisses the back of his hand, smiling. Then she stands up, and he does too, and she guides him to her room. He feels like he’s going to throw up. 

She pulls him onto the bed, kisses him once, and then stands up. She slides her pants off, and smiles at his reaction as she pulls her shirt off. She’s wearing a black lace lingerie set, and his breath catches in his throat as she gets back on the bed. 

“You’re so beautiful,” He swallows thickly, barely able to breathe. “You always have been.”

“I always wished you had said something to me in high school. God, I wanted you to.” She laughs, looking down at the blanket. “I was too scared to do anything. I went on the hope that you would do it, but that never happened.”

“You were scared? I wish I would have known that. I wanted to talk to you so many times but...I didn’t think you would ever want someone like me. I was scared too.” He laughs sadly, shaking his head. “I was more than scared.”

“I wonder what things would be like now if we had just spoken after that day.” She says, and this feels so surreal that he blinks a few times to make sure he isn’t dreaming. The girl he was in love with in high school liked him back, and he had no idea how to feel about that. “But I’m glad we’re here now.”

“Me too.” He laughs, and she puts her hand on his arm and kisses him slowly. Her hands gently press against his chest, and steadily move down it. Then she starts pulling his shirt off, and he has to sit up so she can get it over his head. She takes a second to look him over; drinking in every muscle his chest has. He sits there, trying not to let his insecurities consume him as she runs her hands across his skin in appreciation. 

“You’re beautiful too,” She smiles up at him, and starts kissing down his chest. He closes his eyes, and tries to relax. He can’t. And God, he wants to, but there’s something not letting him. 

She gets down to his belly button, and then starts unbuttoning his pants. He quickly sits up then, startling her. 

“I-I’m sorry. I can’t do this.” He gulps, and she pushes her hair behind her ear, worried. 

“Did I do something?” She asks, and he can hardly look at her face because he feels so terrible. He doesn’t know why he stopped her. For as long as he can remember, being with her is all he’s ever wanted. And he may have just ruined any chance of that happening. 

“No, it’s not you. Of course it’s not you, you’re…” He sighs, and then sits up higher. “I’m just still not feeling myself completely from earlier. And when we do this...I want to be myself. Fully.”

“I get it. That’s actually really sweet.” She nods, and he sighs and wraps her in a hug. 

“It’s not you. I promise.” He says, and then kisses her. “Please don’t think that.”

“Well...will you still stay? We can watch a movie, or cook, or do something. I just want you here.” She cups his cheek in her hand, and he laughs. 

“Yeah. Yeah, of course.” He smiles, pulling her into a tight embrace. “Of course.”


	20. Sunday Plans

“Hey,” Sharon turned in the bed, putting her arms around his waist. Her eyes are tired, but she’s smiling as she stretches. “Sleep okay?”

“Yeah,” He turns, kissing her forehead. “I haven’t slept all night like that in so long.”

They had watched about two movies last night, and she had cuddled against him during it. It had taken him a long time to adjust to that, but when he did, he embraced it and held her too.

After that, they made out on the couch for a few minutes, before she stopped it.

_ "I'm sorry," _ She had whispered, pulling away when it had gone too far. 

_ “Don’t apologize,”  _ He laughed, trying to catch his breath. Then they went in her room, turned the light out, and talked until three in the morning. When they finally started falling asleep, she held him close and they fell asleep like that. 

“Do you want to get breakfast or something?” Sharon asks, and Steve nods. 

“Breakfast sounds amazing.” He laughs, yawning as he sits up. 

The whole time they're eating, all he can think about is how Bucky and Natasha are doing. He knows they rightly deserved everything that he said, but he still feels terrible. He's distracted.

“You okay?” Sharon asks, as they have to throw away the second pancake due to it getting severely overlooked. “I'll take over the pancakes if you want.”

“No, I just...I'm fine.”

“It's them, isn't it? I know you guys don't fight a lot, so I'm sure it's hard when you do.” She turns off the stove and looks at him sympathetically. 

“Yeah, I just feel bad, I guess.” He rubs the back of his neck, leaning against the counter. “None of us ever feel good after a fight. God, we've gone years without fighting, but it seems like we've been doing it so much lately. I'm not sure why.”

“It's probably just a phase. Things are starting to change now that Natasha and Bucky are dating, right? That's one of the only things that have changed for years between you guys, so it may just take some getting used to.” She explains, putting her hand on his arm.

“I don't think that's it,” He looks down, shaking his head. “I think it's the fact that Bucky doesn't love Natasha in  _ that way,  _ and I think deep down she knows that. It's all a huge mess and I wish things would just...go back to normal.”

“Oh, Steve, that's not in your control.” She hugs him, and he closes his eyes. 

“I know, it's just...I'm having a hard time with it, is all.” He breathes out, and she pulls away.

“So if he doesn't like her that way, then why are they together?” Sharon asks, confused.

“That's...a long story.” Steve breathes out, laughing a little. “It all started at college. They met, and ever since then they've been close. Not like “normal friends” close, it was more like “dating” close, just without the dating. They'd kiss, they'd watch movies, cuddle. She's in love with Bucky, and always has been. Everything changed a little when she met someone else at college, and they dated. She moved out of her dorm and in with him, and after we all graduated, Natasha came to us with her face bloodied and bruised. He had hit her, and it wasn't the first time. So she stayed with us, and that's when Bucky and her started back up whatever they had again. Bucky, thinking he would suddenly fall in love with her if he pretended he always was, finally sealed the deal. They slept together. After that they really did start to date. Well, sort of still. But Bucky just told me that he doesn't feel that way for her. He wants to, but he can't.”

“Oh my God,” Sharon looks sad, biting her lip. “What's he going to do?”

“Hopefully break it to her soon, although I'm not sure.” Steve replies, taking in a long breath. “He's scared, and I don't blame him.”

“That's really hard. I feel for both of them.” Sharon looks down, shaking her head. 

“There is one thing that I still need to talk to Bucky about, because I think we both saw it.”

“What?” Sharon laughs, curious.

“I think Natasha knows deep down that Bucky can't ever give her what she wants. And although she may not even know it, she might be falling for Sam. Sam Wilson.” He explains, and a grin breaks out on Sharon’s face.

_ “Wilson?!”  _ Sharon exclaims, laughing. “Well, I can't exactly blame her.”

“Hey!” Steve laughs, playfully punching her arm.

“I'm kidding, I'm kidding,” She laughs at that, looking up at him. “But that makes sense. It may just be subconscious; she knows Bucky doesn't feel that way for her.”

“I think so too.” Steve nods, thinking back at the way they act with each other. It's always been so strange. “I just wish it all would have worked out.”

“I do too. I'm sorry you're in the middle of all of this.” Sharon sighs. 

“No, it’s fine,” He rubs the back of his neck, laughing a little. “I’m sure it’ll all be okay after a little while.” 

“Is Bucky planning on telling her?” Sharon asks, curious. 

“I think so, but I’m not completely sure. I need to talk to him about it. It’s hard though; Natasha’s always around.” He explains, and she nods in understanding. “I don’t have any plans this afternoon. Maybe her and I could have a girls day and go get our nails done or something. Then you and Bucky can talk it over; try and get things sorted out.”

“Really? You’d do that?” Steve asks, and she laughs. 

“Of course,” She replies, tucking her hair behind her ear. “I’d love to get to knew Natasha better anyway. So it’s a win-win.” 

“That’s...wow, that’s great,” He laughs happily. “I’m gonna call them.”

“Yeah, go ahead. I need to shower anyway.” She smiles, and starts walking towards the bedroom. But he grabs her hand and turns her around, giving her a long, slow kiss before she got there. 

“Thank you.” He smiles down at her, and she sighs happily. 

“Any time.” She laughs and rubs her thumb against his cheek, before turning back around and walking away. 

Now he has to call Natasha and Bucky. After what happened yesterday, he’s not even sure what to expect. He just hopes for the best, and dials Bucky’s number.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this one's kind of short, I'm sorry :( Next one will be longer!


	21. Discussions

“She said she’d love to have a girls day,” Steve says as Sharon comes out of the bathroom, drying her hair with a towel. “We can head over there whenever you’re ready.”

“That’s great,” She smiles, and he follows her into her bedroom because she signals for him to. “So how were they acting? After last night and all.”

“I just talked to Nat, but she seemed….surprised. And happy. They know I can’t stay mad for too long.” He laughs, sitting on the edge of her bed, watching her walk around her room. 

“They can’t live without you, Steve,” Sharon laughs, glancing back at him as she looks for shoes. “Of course she was happy.”

Steve just laughs and shakes his head, looking down at his hands. 

“Hey,” Natasha smiles, chewing the cereal in her mouth. “It’s good to see you both.”

“Yeah, you too,” Steve laughs, and then hugs her. She hugs back, relieved. “Where’s Buck?”

“Uhh, somewhere,” Natasha gestures around the apartment with her spoon. “Maybe the shower?”

“Probably,” Steve nods, and moves to the kitchen. “Want something to drink Sharon?”

“Uh, no thanks,” She smiles, taking a seat next to Natasha. 

“So what are you boys doing today?” Natasha asks, looking at Steve. For some reason his face gets hot at that; maybe because he’s thinking of what happened yesterday. 

“Uhh, probably nothing, really,” He laughs, looking through the fridge to hide his face until it goes back to it’s normal hue. “I have no idea though.”

“I haven’t gotten my nails done in so long. I’m excited.” Natasha turns to Sharon, and they both start talking about which salon they’re going to and which is their favorites. Steve sneaks away unnoticed, and looks for Bucky. 

“What are you doing in here? Sharon’s over.” Steve leans against the doorway of Bucky’s room, looking at him lying on his bed scrolling through his phone.

“Nothing. I just got out of the shower, so I was just relaxing I guess.” He sits up, and smiles slightly. “So did you guys…?”

“What? Oh,” Steve realizes, laughing uncomfortably as he looks down. “Uh, no. We didn’t.”

“Why not?” Bucky breaks out into a full grin, even laughing. Does he not like Sharon? Or does he just think it’s funny? 

“I kind of got cold feet,” Steve breathes out, nodding slowly. “It was stupid. But she understood.”

Bucky opens his mouth to speak, but Sharon’s already grabbing Steve’s arm and smiling up at him. 

“We’re about to leave. Talk to you later.” She tells him, and then kisses him. 

“Have fun!” He calls after them, after all of them say their goodbyes. 

“So what do you wanna do?” Bucky asks, standing up and crossing his arms. 

“I, uh...actually thought we could just talk. There’s a lot of stuff we should discuss.” Steve sighs, not exactly excited to have to talk about what he has to talk about. 

“Yeah? Let's talk.” Bucky sits back down on the bed, and Steve sits next to him. 

“First of all...Natasha. When are you going to tell her? The longer this goes on, the worse it’s going to be.” Steve tells him, and Bucky breathes out and looks at the wall. 

“I know. I’m just...I don’t want to hurt her.” Bucky explains, rubbing the back of his neck. “And I know it’s just going to get worse - I know that. I just don’t know when the right time could ever be.”

“Yeah, I get it.” Steve sighs, rubbing his forehead with emotional exhaustion. “Hey, what do you think about Sam? Didn’t you see something between them, too? Maybe that’s your ticket right there.”

“I did see it. God, I thought I was just...imagining it because that’s what I wanted to see to make myself feel better. But if you saw it too...maybe it’s real.” He contemplates, looking up at the ceiling and sighing. “Natasha and Sam. I can’t say they wouldn’t be a good-looking couple.”

“Yeah, Sam’s a great guy.” Steve nods, tapping his thumb against the bed. 

“I was talking about his looks. You think he’s good-looking too, right?” Bucky asks, nudging Steve’s arm. 

“I, uh…” Steve stutters, scratching his arm. 

“God, Steve, really?” Bucky laughs, shaking his head. “After everything that’s happened you can’t even admit you’re attracted to men?”

“What? What do you mean “everything that’s happened”?” Steve furrows his eyebrows, a little breathless. “Are  _ you  _ attracted to men? _ ” _ Steve asks quietly, his hands shaking. He doesn’t know why. 

“I think you know the answer to that,” Bucky laughs a little, and then turns to him. “It isn’t like I’ve ever kept it a secret.”

“You never dated guys. You never told me.”

“What, am I  _ supposed _ to? You don’t have to go home one day telling your friends and family you’re straight, do you? So why should I have to tell anyone I’m bisexual?” He asks, and then shakes his head. “And I don’t know. It’s harder to find a good guy than it is to find a good girl.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Steve nods slowly, his heart racing. 

“You never answered  _ my  _ question,” Bucky smiles a little, trying to lift the tension. “Are  _ you _ attracted to guys?”

Steve just looks at him, his face blank. He stutters a little, but doesn’t get out any real words. Bucky leans in a little closer, making Steve gulp.

“Are you attracted to  _ me?”  _ Bucky asks, looking down at Steve’s lips. He smiles a little, and then grinds his teeth. Finally Steve closes the gap between them, desperately gripping at Bucky’s shirt to pull him closer. He doesn’t know what’s come over him, but it’s sudden and it’s overwhelming. 

Bucky immediately reciprocates, gasping into the kiss as he turns his body, getting better access. Steve’s stomaching is turning in a good way; a way that makes him unable to think properly.

“You don't have to answer.” Bucky breathes out heavily between each kiss, “I think your hard-on yesterday answered it for you.”

Steve still kisses him for a moment; his heart is racing, his hands are sweaty and shaking, and he wouldn't be able to catch his breath to save his life. 

“What?” Steve pulls away, and Bucky sighs. He suddenly realized what just happened: they kissed again. This time it wasn't for a dare, or a matter of proving something, or alcohol, or drugs. He just did it, and that changes things. 

“You were hard yesterday when I was kissing you. How could I have not noticed that?” Bucky laughs, and then tries to kiss him again. 

“I was drugged Bucky. It wasn't...I wasn't me.” Steve finally gets out, still being able to taste him on his lips. 

“Marijuana isn't some hallucinogen. Jesus, Steve, your thought process may have been slowed, but it was you.  _ You _ were kissing me, and  _ you  _ liked it. I could  _ feel _ how much you liked it.” Bucky says, and Steve’s heart starts racing even faster. 

He doesn't say anything. He sits there, a little shocked at his words. Maybe he's right. It  _ was  _ him. He remembers being in control, and he remembers wanting to go further. He's just so confused right now that he might as well be in a maze. 

“Bucky, this is wrong. Sharon and Natasha just left.  _ Just  _ left.” Steve breathes out, but his wandering eyes contradict what his mouth is saying. 

“You know how I feel about Natasha. And I know how you feel about Sharon.” He says confidently, and Steve has so many emotions that he doesn't even know what to do with them all. 

“What does that mean?” He asks, with an obvious accusatory tone in voice. 

“It  _ means  _ that you don't like Sharon. It's as simple as that.” Bucky states, shrugging his shoulders cockily. Steve doesn't know if he wants to knock him out or  _ make  _ out. 

“Shut up. You know I've liked her forever.” Steve stands up, pacing the room angrily. 

“You like the idea of her. Or you did, at least. You were “in love” with her in high school, but you  _ didn't even know her _ . At all. You were in love with an idealization of her.” Bucky raises his voice a little, and then shakes his head and sighs. “Do you even like her? Really, Steve.”

“I...yeah. Yeah, I do. And why are you trying to convince me otherwise? It has nothing to do with you.” Steve huffs, gritting his teeth. “God, I can't do this. I'm gonna go hang out with Sam or something.” 

“Then go.” Bucky says calmly, looking up at him. Steve doesn’t think he’s ever been this angry in his life. 

“I am.” He replies curtly, and tries to keep calm as he walks out. He can’t even think straight because he’s so overwhelmed with emotions. 


	22. Advice

“Hey! Do you, uh...mind if I hang out with you today? If you aren't busy.” Steve rubs the back of his neck, standing outside of their apartment building on his phone. 

“Yeah, man, of course. I was just about to go workout. Is that cool with you?” Sam asks, and Steve sighs in relief. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I'll head over there now and meet you there.” Steve sighs in relief, and hails a taxi. 

“Hey, man, what’s up?” Sam crosses his arms and smiles, extending out an arm to shake Steve’s hand when Steve finally arrives at the gym. “Whoa, whoa, what’s wrong?”

“I’m fine,” Steve laughs, but even as he utters it through his mouth he doesn’t even believe it himself. He wishes he wasn't so easy to read.  


“That wasn’t convincing at all,” Sam laughs, furrowing his eyebrows. “Wanna talk about it?”

“No, I don’t want to bother you…” Steve shakes his head, sighing.

“I think you forget that I’m a part-time PTSD counselor,” Sam pats his back, leading him into the gym. “I’m pretty sure I can handle it.”

So they walk inside, and go into the relaxation room. It's mostly used for yoga or Pilates, but it’s empty now, with one corner lined with comfy chairs that are facing a running waterfall. There’s also a small table with a cappuccino machine. 

“Talk to me.” Sam says, sitting in a chair across from Steve’s. Now that he’s here, it’s harder than he thought it would be. 

Steve sits there thinking for a second, twirling his finger around a loose thread from his hair.

“You like Natasha don’t you? Be honest.” Steve finally says, just laying it flat out. 

“Aren’t we supposed to be talking about you and your problems?” Sam laughs nervously, avoiding the question. 

“Yes, and this...believe it or not, has to do with that.” Steve sighs, sitting back in the chair. “So?”

“Uh...yeah. I have feelings for her.” He breathes out, rubbing the back of his neck. “I know that’s wrong, I know she’s dating Bucky, but-”

“No, no, don’t apologize,” Steve laughs, feeling relief flood him. They were right. “This is good.”

“How exactly?” Sam asks in confusion, looking a little hurt. He can’t understand why Steve  _ wants  _ him to like Natasha, when  _ he  _ still thinks her and Bucky are together. It’s all very confusing, but Steve thinks that if he finally tells Sam what’s going on, it might be able to clear things up. And it may be nice to have some outside insight, too. 

So Steve explains to Sam exactly what he explained to Sharon this morning. 

“So you guys think she likes me back?” Sam tilts his head a little, smiling like an idiot. 

“That’s all you got out of that?” Steve laughs, shaking his head. “But I get it. I just feel bad for Bucky. He loves her, he just doesn’t want to hurt her. So I was just hoping that maybe...maybe you’ll help. I don’t want some scandal or anything: all you have to do is spend more time with her, let her take time to realize her feelings for you. And then she’ll break it off with Bucky, and he doesn’t have to break the bad news to her. It’s a win-win for everyone.”

“Now normally I wouldn’t think you had any sort of agenda. I would think you were doing this to be good, to help your friends. But I can tell when you’re nervous, and when you’re hiding something. So spill it.” Sam laughs, and Steve gulps.

“I don’t have any other reason,” He breathes out, forcing out a laugh. 

“Come on, Rogers. What’s this about?” Sam asks, genuinely trying to help.

“Um,” Steve takes in a long, drawn-out breath, trying to find the beginning. “Weird stuff has been happening. It’s about Bucky. I can’t talk about it with Natasha, and I...I definitely can’t talk about it with Sharon.”

“You can tell me. I’m not directly related to any of it, so you’re good.” He laughs, and Steve knows he’s right. 

“Bucky...he’s been not himself lately.” Steve says vaguely, still unable to utter the words he’s looking for. 

“In what way exactly?” Sam laughs a little, knowing how Steve is. It might take a minute.

“It all started when I...kissed him. It was the night of me and Sharon’s first date, and Natasha was trying to make me get over this intimacy fear, and…” Steve says quickly, staring up at the ceiling because it’s hard saying it out loud. 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up,” Sam sits up higher in his chair, narrowing his eyes. “You  _ kissed _ Bucky?”

“Yeah,” Steve closes his eyes, swallowing thickly. “It was just a dare. That’s all.”

“Okay, go on,” Sam says, trying to hide his smile by rubbing his chin. It doesn’t work, but Steve ignores the failed attempt and complies. 

“We kissed then. And then things happened and Bucky got upset that he was last on my “best kisses” list, and so he kissed me again to prove me wrong.” Steve shakes his head, biting the inside of his cheek. “And then he kissed me again when he was drunk. And then something else happened and...we almost, uh...me and Bucky and Natasha almost had a threesome.”

“Wait,  _ what?!”  _ Sam interjects, furrowing his eyebrows. “How the hell did that happen? Man, I didn’t know you had that much game.”

“It wasn’t game, it was...we were under the influence of,” Steve leans in, whispering. “Marijuana.”

_ “You  _ did drugs?” Sam busts out in laughter, having to lean over in his chair. 

“Natasha and Bucky sneaked me some cookies without my knowledge to help me relax. I wouldn’t do it on my own, trust me.” Steve groans, and then shakes it off. “But that isn’t the point.”

“Sorry, go on. You were at the threesome,” Sam still smiles, shaking his head with amusement.

“Right. At the  _ almost  _ threesome. But the point is, Bucky kissed me again then. I mean he was...really going for it.” Steve looks away, embarrassed. “And then this morning…”

“What happened this morning?” Sam asks, curious. Steve feels weird even saying it aloud, but he knows he has to.

“We were talking about Nat, and our plan with you, and Bucky was just saying you guys would make a good-looking couple or something. And that got into how he was attracted to guys and girls, and he told me he’s bisexual. Which is...it’s fine. I wondered if he was a few times, but he never said anything so I didn’t push it. But then he started asking if I am too, and I just...I’m confused. At why he would ask me that, why he cares. And then…”

“And then what?” Sam asks, listening intently. 

“I...kissed him. I don’t even know why, and I regretted it as soon as I did, and then I said it was wrong because Sharon and Natasha had just left, and he told me he doesn’t want Natasha that way, and that I don’t want Sharon either. And he kept saying how I didn’t even like Sharon and that it was all made up in my head, and I got mad. I got really mad and left, and he didn’t even care. And I’m just...I’m just so confused because I have no idea where any of this is coming from.” Steve finally breathes out, putting his face in his hands. 

“Hmm.” Sam sits back, thinking. 

“What?” Steve asks, looking up at him. “You have to help me, so if anything’s on your mind-”

“He likes you.” Sam says, making Steve quickly turn his head and gulp. 

“What? No, he doesn’t. If you knew everything me and Bucky have gone through…”

“I don’t have to know. Dammit, Steve, it’s right in front of your face.” Sam laughs, narrowing his eyes. “Do you...do you really not see that?”

“He doesn’t, Sam. Come on, we’re best friends: we always have been. He can’t just...it’s not possible. That’s out of the question.” Steve denies it, feeling his palms start to sweat. 

“You wanted my point of view, and I’m giving it to you. I’m sorry if it wasn’t what you wanted to hear, but I promise you if you asked anyone else - whether you knew them or not - they would say the same thing.” Sam sighs, patting Steve’s knee supportively. 

“Sam, I’m sorry, but it’s not true. It just isn’t.” Steve lets out a long breath, still in complete denial. He stands up and walks around the room, running his hands through his hair.

“Come on, Steve, don’t be obtuse about this. It’s not your fault, man.” Sam stands up with him, but Steve feels his vision going out. All he can see is dark blurs, and his head is spinning. “Hey, you alright?”

“I don’t think so.” He says, but he can’t even hear his own voice. Sam guides him to sit back down, and put his head between his legs to get blood flowing again. 

“This stress is unhealthy, Steve,” Sam sighs, coming back in the room a few minutes later with a cold rag. 

“I’m fine,” Steve gulps, instantly feeling much better as he presses it against his forehead and leans back. “It just all hit me at once, I guess.”

“Well let’s not think about it for the rest of the day. You need a relaxing day and this isn’t one. Up for a movie?” Sam asks, smiling at him a little. He really is a good friend. 

“A relaxing day actually sounds great,” Steve sighs in relief, letting out a much-needed laugh. 


	23. Lies and Anger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for not updating for almost a week! I have been so extremely busy I haven't had time at all! I may have to start updating only once or twice a week :( Anyway I hope you can all forgive me!

“Thanks for today,” Steve says, putting his arm around Sharon and nodding at Sam. After the movie they caught up with Natasha and Sharon at the hot dog stand. They wondered where Bucky was, and Steve told them he wasn’t feeling good so he stayed home. 

“No problem, man. Any time,” Sam pats his back, but he’s looking at Natasha. Steve can tell he really, really likes her, and that makes him smile. 

“I have to go,” Sharon turns to face Steve, sighing. “I can’t cancel again; my aunt needs me.”

“No, I understand. I’ll see you tomorrow?” He says, more of a question than a statement. 

“I hope so. At least for lunch, right?” She smiles, reaching up and brushing his ear with her hand. 

“Yeah. Yeah, just let me know.” He laughs, pulling her in for a hug. Then they kiss, and part ways. Then they part ways with Sam as well, and Natasha and Steve decide to walk home. 

“Steve, before anything else comes up, I just want to tell you how genuinely sorry I am for yesterday.” Natasha says, oddly keeping her distance. She isn’t yet sure if everything’s okay yet, and she’s being cautious. It’s strange. 

“No, Nat, it’s fine,” Steve laughs, looking over and down at her. “I know you both didn’t mean for everything to happen. It’s okay. It’s forgotten.”

“Thank God,” She sighs in relief, instantly getting closer; linking their arms together. Even her presence seemed closer; more comfortable, her normal self. “I felt terrible. I didn’t know what to do.”

“Don’t worry.” Steve laughs, pulling her closer. “Seriously. Let’s just forget it even happened.”

“Okay,” She lets out a long sigh, laying her head on his shoulder. “Well how’s James? He was fine when we left; did the sickness hit him after? What’s wrong with him?”

“I don’t know, really, he just said he wasn’t feeling good or something,” Steve lies, sighing. 

“Well I guess we’ll see when we get home then, right?” Natasha laughs, but Steve feels guilty now. He hates lying period, but definitely when he has to do it to Natasha. And  _ especially _ since she’s involved in it too. Kinda. Well, Steve kissing her kinda-boyfriend and his best friend means she  _ should  _ be involved, right? He feels terrible, but some things are better left a secret. 

He never believed in that saying until today. 

So they get home, and Bucky’s just lying there on the couch watching TV. Steve doesn’t know what he expected. Him shut up in his room? Sleeping? Taking a long shower? Even gone, maybe, at an extreme scenario. Over all of the options possible, seeing Bucky laying on the couch carelessly flipping through channels was oddly last on the list. 

He had strangely hoped that he was doing any of those other things. Not that he  _ wants  _ him to be upset, but it would have least given a sliver of insight into what he’s feeling. Earlier was so confusing that he had hoped, even if it was a little bit, that there would be at least a  _ sign.  _ Although, this may be a sign in itself. A sign that Sam was wrong; It’s ridiculous to have even  _ thought  _ that Bucky could actually have romantic feelings for him. It was a stupid idea, it was a stupid assumption, and Steve felt stupid for even believing it for one second. It’s all ridiculous and he’s looking way into something that didn’t even matter at all.

“How are you feeling?” Natasha asks, dropping her shopping bag and snuggling up under his arm. 

“Uhh…” Bucky glances up at Steve briefly, and they do that telepathy thing where Steve doesn’t have to even  _ mouth  _ the words; he just has to look at him and Bucky already knows. “I feel a lot better. I don’t know what it was, but it’s gone.”

“I’m so glad.” She laughs, kissing the side of his mouth, and then his mouth. “Mmm, I’m so tired.”

Steve hears Bucky reply, something that makes Natasha laugh, but he’s already walking to his room so he doesn’t know what it was he said. He doesn’t even really care to. 

“I’m just tired, is all,” Steve waves Natasha off for the (what seems like) hundredth time. Bucky hasn’t even looked at him once since he’s gotten back. 

So now they’re all in the living room watching tv. There’s an awkward air in the room that won’t go away, and Steve feels both bad and envious of Natasha. Both reasons because she has no idea what’s going on, and he wishes he was in that position. Things are much simpler when you don’t know what’s going on, Steve is quickly learning.

“Okay, that’s it,” Natasha gets up off the couch, and Bucky sighs and lays his head against the armrest. “That is  _ it! _ What the hell is going on here? I can’t play the clueless, doesn’t-even-realize-what’s-going-on-in-front-of-her girl role anymore. One of you explain to me what’s going on right now.”

Bucky rubs his eyes with one hand, and Steve looks around the room, feeling like a kid back in high school again, trying not to get called on by the teacher. 

“Fine, if one of you don’t answer, then I’ll choose. Steve?” She crosses her arms, turning to him. “Right now.”

“Nat, please don’t,” He sits up a little, gulping. “I can’t.”

She looks at him for a second, betrayed and confused. Steve always tells the truth, so when he doesn’t...that must mean this is more serious than she had anticipated. 

“I’ll stand here all night, I don’t care. So if Steve won’t tell me, then James…” She throws a hand towards him, and then puts it on her hip. “You’re up.”

Bucky just sits there quietly, rubbing his chin. 

“My  _ God!”  _ Natasha exclaims, running her fingers through her hair. “Can it really be that bad? If you guys are fighting, you don’t have to hide that from me. I just...do you think I would judge you or something? I’d like to think I’m pretty open-minded.” 

“Tash, it’s not…” Bucky starts, but then sighs and looks down at the floor. “I can’t. I can’t tell you. I’m sorry.”

She gulps and bites her lip, and Steve feels so sick about this. Her feelings are hurt, and it takes a lot to hurt Natasha’s feelings. 

“Bucky-” Steve starts, but Bucky gives him a look that makes Steve immediately shake the thought out of his mind. He looks like he might have punched him right then if he even uttered another word. 

“What the hell was that? What can be so bad that you can’t even tell me?” Natasha says gently, and Steve is feeling tormented beyond belief. He can’t even look at her because he knows he’ll give in, and he can’t do that. 

“I’m sorry, Nat.” Steve reaches for her arm to comfort her, but she pulls away. 

“It’s a goddamn shame that I don’t have any other friends in this whole city. Look, I don’t know what’s going on here,” her voice breaks, “But I can’t stay here right now if I’m not wanted.”

She glances at Bucky for a second, hoping he’ll stop her and comfort her and tell her everything’s okay. But he just sits there cowardly and looks out the window. She walks out, and when the door closes, Steve’s eyes shut tightly with it. 

“How do you keep doing that to her? Continuously hurting her like that? Do you even care?” Steve sits up from his chair about to go after her. But Bucky pulls his arm, stopping him. 

“Of course I care. And that’s exactly why I’m not telling her! Jesus, Steve, do you even think?! Do you know what it would do to her if I told her the truth? I would never hurt her like that, and that’s why I can’t tell her.” Bucky grinds his teeth, and Steve rips his arm from Bucky’s hand. 

“She’s already hurt, can’t you see that? You’re going to lose her without even giving her the chance to understand!” Steve retorts, pacing around the room thinking. He feels like he’s going to hyperventilate. Bucky walks towards him and then crosses his arms. 

“Damn, Steve,” He says in a sarcastic tone. “Are you worried about her finding out about me not being in love with her, or that you kissed me?”

“No. You...you can’t pull that. That’s not fair.” Steve gulps, wiping his sweaty palm on his pants. “You were right in my face, you were asking me if I was...attracted to you, and…”

“And what?” Bucky steps towards him again, lowering his voice. “I didn’t make you do anything. You did it, all on your own.”

“Yeah, but…” Steve swallows thickly, breathless. Bucky laughs a little, stepping even closer. Steve’s lower back is pressed against the bar, and he feels like an elephant is sitting on his chest with the way he’s breathing. Bucky is way too attractive for his own good, and he uses it to his own advantage because he knows it. “I didn’t mean…”

“You didn’t  _ mean  _ to kiss me? That seems a little impractical, don’t you think?” Bucky steps closer, his arm brushing Steve’s. He has that stupid smirk on his face that Steve always noticed he used on a girl that he wanted. He would tilt his head, smiling as he slowly, carefully look them up and down, and use one of his “lines.” They weren’t the normal douchebag pickup lines like you would see in the movies, because he never needed them. His body language said it all:  _ I want you.  _ “Because despite what you’re saying, you want to do it again now.”

“No, I don’t.” Steve grits his teeth and takes in a breath, pushing a laughing Bucky off of him. He’s angry, and it makes him even more angry that Bucky’s just laughing it off like it’s a big, funny joke, and like he’s not confusing Steve and making him question his entire existence. Nope, Bucky, this is no big deal at all. 

“Mmm, how convincing.” Bucky laughs, leaning against the counter. 

“You know what? How about you stop turning this whole thing on me.” Steve announces, finally taking a stand. “You kissed me in the kitchen, and on the bed, so just...just  _ stop  _ acting like it’s all me.”

“I never said it was all you.” Bucky turns to him, sitting up straighter. His palm is flat against the counter, and he uses his other hand to casually tuck his hair behind his ear. “Did I?”

“No, I...I guess not. But you were definitely insinuating it, so stop making me feel crazy.” Steve retorts, shaking his head slightly. “I’m just confused. I’m so confused.”

“About what exactly?” Bucky laughs, and Steve swears if he laughs  _ one more time  _ he’s going to...well, he doesn’t know, but he’s already getting annoyed by it. 

“You! God, Buck, stop acting clueless. You know you’re being confusing, so stop pretending like you don’t. This is driving me insane.” Steve huffs, . finally getting some of his feelings off of his chest. Now Bucky is staring at him, and Steve’s shuffling uncomfortably. 

“I’m being confusing?” Bucky asks, like he’s genuinely curious. “I thought I was being pretty clear.”

Now Steve wishes Bucky was back laughing again instead of this; his cool, calm exterior may be pissing Steve off even more.

“Well, you aren’t. I...I don’t understand what’s going on.” Steve runs his fingers through his hair, frustrated. “Us kissing...and this morning when you asked if I was attracted to guys. Or if I was attracted to you. Can you explain?”

Bucky looks at him, and takes a step forward. Steve doesn’t even try to hide the intake of breath, his nerves getting the better of him. Then Bucky kisses him, and a part of Steve knew he was going to, but a part of him was still shocked by it. His hands are gripping the counter behind him, and Bucky is kissing him gently and slowly, and both of their hearts are racing. 

Then Bucky pulls away, and Steve knows it should have been him to pull away first. He can't think straight. 

“Is that enough of an explanation for you?” Bucky asks, and Steve’s hands are slipping off of the counter from sweat. Steve wants to say something but he can't. He knows if he tried, his voice would just break. 

Bucky looks down at Steve’s lips, and then up to his eyes. “Stop me if you don't want this.” He whispers, and everything inside of Steve is telling himself to stop it. Stop it while you can, before you hurt Natasha more than she's ever been hurt before. And before you ruin everything you've ever wanted with Sharon. He's your best friend. 

Despite everything inside of him protesting against this, he doesn't stop it from happening. Maybe his morals are telling him no, but his feelings aren't. 

Bucky is gentle. His lips are soft and hungry, and Steve melts into it like it's something he never knew he wanted until now. Bucky reaches around and lightly grasps Steve’s wrists. He lets go of his grip on the counter, as Bucky wraps his own arms around Steve's neck. Then Steve gasps into the kiss, and clutches at Bucky’s shirt with a desperate attempt to pull him closer. 

Then Bucky came apart like he had been trying to hold himself together for too long, and he couldn't anymore. He pressed Steve against the counter like yesterday, but this time neither were under any kind of influence besides their own. That changes things. 

Bucky's hands are pressing against Steve’s chest, feeling his muscles, feeling  _ him.  _ Steve feels something he's never felt in his life before the first time he kissed Bucky that night. And he only feels it from him. 

“No. No, we can't do this,” Steve pulls back gulping and pacing around the room.

“Why the hell not?” Bucky laughs with annoyance, grinding his teeth and lightly hitting his fist against the top of the counter. 

“Natasha. Sharon. God, what the hell are we doing?! I'm...I just  _ cheated.  _ I'm not a cheater.” He starts to freak out, unable to breathe properly. “Except I am now. And I was when I kissed you, and when you kissed me.”

“Stop overthinking everything.” Bucky rolls his eyes, way too calm for what just happened. 

“Stop  _ underthinking  _ everything! I'm really starting to think you don't even care about Natasha at all. What the hell is wrong with you?!” Steve accuses, fed up. “God, what are we even doing? You're my best friend. This is wrong.”

“Wow. Nice to know what you really think.” Bucky huffs, laughing bitterly. “Stop acting innocent. My God, you wanted just as bad as I did. Just like when we were high. You can't even admit that, can you? Admit you wanted me, Steve. Admit you wanted me to kiss you, and touch you, and  _ feel  _ you.” 

“Shut up.” Steve snaps, and then turns away and gulps. “This was a huge mistake. I'm calling Sharon.”

“God, no, what the hell are you thinking?! Then Natasha will know, and the last thing we need right now is an even bigger mess.” Bucky protests, standing up. 

“Yeah? I don't care anymore. Tell Natasha how you feel or I will. Stringing her along is only hurting her worse, and you're being selfish.” Steve says sternly, walks to his room, and slams the door. 


	24. The Truth

“She is? Thank God.” Steve takes in a long, relieved breath, leaning back against the headboard. “I was worried about her. I’m glad she’s with you.”

“Don’t worry; she’s fine. She’s upset, but...she’ll be okay, I think,” Sam replies through the phone, and Steve can imagine him standing in his kitchen, looking over his shoulder to make sure Natasha can’t hear him from the couch. 

“Okay. Okay, good.” Steve closes his eyes and nods, finally able to relax. “Tell her...I don’t know. Just tell her I love her and that I’m sorry.”

“No problem. Don’t worry about it, man. She just needs some time to think and cool off a little.” Sam answers, and there’s a short silence. 

“Okay. Thanks, Sam.” Steve says, and Sam replies with a “no problem.”

When Steve finally leaves his room after stubbornly laying there and staring up at the ceiling for an hour, Bucky is there on the couch. 

“Did you reach her? She’s not answering me.” Bucky tosses his phone on the other side of the couch as if he’s called her a million times already. 

“Not her, but I called Sam. She’s at his place.” Steve avoids all eye contact, only searching through the fridge for an unhealthy dinner. 

“Oh.” Bucky breathes out, tapping his thumb against his knee. “Okay. Well that’s good. I was worried about her.”

“I was too.” Steve sighs, pausing for a second. This is awkward. “We should know by now that she can take care of herself, though. Whether she’s safe at Sam’s or if she’s on the street in the middle of the night. Even though I hope that never happens, I know she would be able to kick any man’s ass that tried to touch her.”

“Yeah, I know. She’s tough.” Bucky laughs, nodding his head. Steve puts a frozen dinner in the microwave, jamming his fingers into the beeping buttons. Steve hesitates there a second, deciding whether he should speak or not as the air hums with the sound of the microwave. 

“Bucky…” He starts, trying to say something - anything. This is awful.

“I know.” Bucky says simply, but Steve hears the pain in his voice. Everything’s going wrong. “Despite everything - all of this - I never meant to hurt her. Not one damn time, I swear.”

“I know that. But not meaning to doesn’t change the fact that you did hurt her.” Steve says, and Bucky looks up at him. Steve’s trying to pretend like earlier didn’t happen, but they both know it did, and they both know that they’re both trying to pretend it didn’t.

“I hate how everything goes wrong at once. It always happens like that. God, Steve, I don’t know what to do.” Bucky says quietly, but loud enough for him to hear. 

“You have to tell her. Just do it, Buck. Come on, you know that’s what’s best.” Steve sighs, tired of the circles they’ve been going in. “I know you know that.”

“I do.” Bucky replies emptily; like it’s something more than sadness. “I’m scared.”

“It’s okay. She could never hate you, Buck. Never. She’ll only resent you more if you keep hiding it from her.” Steve crosses his arms and leans back against the counter. 

“I know.” Is all he replies, quietly. “I need to now. If I do it, it needs to be now. Right now.”

“Whoa. Do you even know what you’re going to say?” Steve presses his hand to Bucky’s chest, stepping in front of the door so he can’t pass. “Don’t be rational.”

“Steve, I have to do this. You can either support me, or stay here. I really need to do it.” Bucky says calmly, pushing past him and walking out of the apartment. Steve huffs and follows him immediately, and they get a cab to Sam’s apartment. Bucky knocks on the door, and then shoves his hands in his pockets, waiting. Steve feels like he may be even more nervous than Bucky is. 

“Hey. What’s up?” Sam leans against the doorway, furrowing his eyebrows at them like he’s confused why they’re there. 

“Sorry, we should’ve ca-” Steve starts apologetically, but Bucky interrupts manically. 

“I need to talk to Natasha.” He says, gulping. Just then Natasha appears behind Sam, looking at Bucky. She’s been crying.

“What?” She tries to sound strong, but her voice breaks. Steve cringes. 

“I have to tell you something. It’s important. And I know I’m probably...the very last person you want to see right now, but I...just please hear me out.” He pleads, and she pushes her lips together. “Alone, please.”

Sam turns to her to confirm she’ll be okay, then she nods and smiles weakly. So Sam turns to Steve, and they both walk into the apartment, letting Natasha and Bucky be alone outside as requested.

“Is he telling her what I think he’s telling her?” Sam asks, as they both take a seat at the bar in his kitchen.

“If you’re thinking he’s telling her about the fact that he’s not in love with her, then yes.” Steve puts his face in his hands, exhausted emotionally. “How do you think she’ll take it?”

“I have no idea. She’s smart, though. I wouldn’t doubt if she already figured it out.” Sam shrugs, and Steve chokes out a laugh. 

“Yeah. You’re right.” 

After half an hour of waiting, Steve is quite literally on the edge of his seat. His thumb is tapping rapidly against the table, and he’s incessantly chewing on the inside of his cheek. 

“Am I crazy, or this taking way too l-”

Just then the door opens, and Steve gulps as he and Sam both sit up straight. They have no idea how it went down, and they’re anxious to find out. They didn’t hear any yelling or screaming, so that’s probably a good sign. 

Natasha’s the first to walk in, with Bucky close behind her. He’s reaching for her hand, but she pulls away, crying and rushing to the back of the apartment. It must not have gone very well. 

“Natasha,” Steve gets out of his seat, following her. 

“Just let her be alone,” Bucky argues, trying to stop him. Steve pushes him out of the way, and Bucky just sighs as Steve catches up to Natasha. 

“I’m so sorry, Nat,” Steve says softly, and Natasha flinches away from his touch at first. “Are you okay?”

“Of  _ course  _ I’m not okay.” She turns and looks up at him, and bursts out in tears. So he wraps his arms around her, and she sobs against his chest. “God, Steve. I thought things were finally gonna work. The worst part is that I  _ knew _ he didn’t want me the way I wanted him. I thought somehow he would one day. I don’t know, it was stupid. But I’m just scared I’ll never find someone, and you guys will have your own families, and I’ll just be stuck in this horrible part of life.”

“Nat, come on. We would never leave you behind like that.” Steve props his chin on the top of her head, hugging her like he never wanted to let go. “That’s not going to happen to you, anyway. Bucky isn’t the only guy in the world.”

“I know, but I’m just...I’m just scared no one will ever want me romantically. Or have a family with me, or just...just want that stuff. I’m so scared.” She whispers, and Steve pulls back and looks at her. 

“Are you kidding me, Romanoff?” He laughs lightly, shaking his head. “You are badass. You’re beautiful, smart, funny, caring - any good trait there is, you have it.”

“Stop it,” She huffs, looking down and smiling a little.

“No, I’m serious,” He puts his hand on her shoulder, laughing. And then he leans in to whisper, pointing his thumb over his shoulder. “And I happen to know a certain someone likes you.”

“Wilson? No he does not,” She shakes her head, laughing embarrassedly as she crosses her arms. “You’re just making that up.”

“I’m not, I swear,” He puts his hands up, laughing. “He’s head over heels for you, Nat. You’d be crazy not to see that.”

“You really think so?” She looks up at him, hopeful. 

“I know so,” He pats her shoulder, and then pulls her in for another hug. 

“I like him too. I’ve just felt so guilty, because I thought I was cheating on James or something, because I started getting feelings for Sam. And I felt stupid because I didn’t think he even liked me back.” Her laugh is muffled by Steve’s shirt, and she sighs. “Do you really think he does? Really? Not just to make me feel better?”

“He likes you. He told me.” Steve sighs, feeling sorry for revealing Sam’s secret. He knows it’ll work out for the best though, anyway. Natasha needs a little nudge. 

“He told you?!” Natasha gasps, and then throws her hand over her mouth. “When? What did he say?”

“Yesterday. And he just said he has feelings for you, and he looked really happy. But he wasn’t going to make a move or anything if you and Bucky were together, so...this is a perfect chance.” Steve smiles at her, and she hugs him tightly. 

“I think I’ve been falling for Sam for a while. I didn’t even realize it was happening at first, but when I did...God, I just hope this works out. I still need some time to think all of this over before anything can happen, though.” She breathes out, and Steve nods. 

“I understand. I just see the way you guys look at each other, and I don’t want it to be some pining thing where you never tell each other how you feel. So at least you know.” Steve laughs, and she kisses him on the cheek. 

“You’re sweet, Rogers. Thank you.” She embraces him, and he squeezes her waist one last time. 

“Now don’t go ratting me out about what I told you.” He nudges her arm playfully, and she laughs. 

“Never.” She grins, and he kisses her forehead.

“You gonna be okay?” He asks gently, and she nods. 

“Yeah. It just...stings a little. But I’ll be fine.” She sighs, smiling weakly.

“Do you wanna come home?” He asks, but he’s sure he already knows the answer.

“I just don’t think now’s a good time. I’m sorry. I hope you understand.” She smiles apologetically, and he nods. 

“No, I do. I get it. I just hope you’re okay. Really okay.” He says, and she laughs. 

“I will be. I’ll be fine.” She replies, and he breathes out, nodding. 

“Okay. Text me tomorrow and let me know how you’re doing.” 

“I will. Thanks, Rogers.”

“No problem, Romanoff.”


	25. Coping

“So what did she say to you?” Bucky sits on a stool at the bar, rubbing the gruff on his chin. They had been silent the whole way home. 

“Uh…” Steve sighs, rubbing the back of his neck as he kicks off his shoes by the door. “She was hurt, obviously. She said that she knew, deep down, that you weren’t in it like she was. We were right about one thing, though.”

“What?” Bucky asks, pushing his hair back with his palm. 

“She likes Sam. A lot.” Steve laughs, easing his back down the wall and sighing. “She’s crazy about the guy; it’s obvious. She even admitted it.”

“Good.” Bucky laughs a little too, breathing out a soft hum. “Good.”

“Yeah. She just said she needs...some time. To think things over, clear her head.” Steve answers, both of them equally as exhausted. 

“Do you think it's gonna change things with us? All of us?” Bucky asks, and Steve looks at him.

“I don't know.” Steve rubs the bridge of his nose. “I hope not, but...I just don't know.”

“Yeah,” Bucky gulps, tucking his hair behind his ear. “I just hope everything’s fine. I don’t want all of this to be my fault. I don’t want  _ me  _ to be the one to ruin everything. I’m just scared, I guess.”

“Bucky, this isn’t your fault. It never was. Yeah, you shouldn't have lied, but you thought you were doing the right thing. That's what matters.” Steve explains, feeling hurt himself that Bucky’s blaming this on himself. He always does that. “Nobody blames you, Buck.”

“I do,” He chokes out a laugh, gulping. He rubs his jaw, and then presses his forehead to the table. “Jesus, I really could use a drink right now.” 

“I wish you'd find a better way to cope with your feelings.” Steve admits, sighing. 

“So do I,” Bucky laughs, shaking his head. “But I guess being an alcoholic asshole runs in the family.”

“Stop it. You aren’t like that.” Steve sets his hand on Bucky’s back, hating the way Bucky always does this to himself.

“Yeah,” Bucky answers quietly, shaking his head. “I am.”

Steve opens his mouth to reply, to console him, but Bucky’s already standing up and walking to his room. He stops in the doorway, pressing his fist to the door before turning around. “I’m sorry. For everything.”

“Bucky-” Steve stands up from his stool, about to walk towards him, but Bucky shakes his head and closes the door. Now Steve feels like he has no one, and he has no idea how to change that. 

So he takes it into his own hands. He walks up to Bucky’s door, slipping his shoes off. He creaks the door open and then shuts it behind him. He hears Bucky weeping in his bed, curled into a ball. Steve remembers all of the times he would tell Bucky to leave him alone, trying to act tough on his way home from school. He would go in his room and cry because he had gotten bullied again, and Bucky knew that so he would sneak in his window even after Steve told him he wanted to be alone, and he’d lie next to him silently. That’s all he needed, and Bucky knew him enough to realize that. So he wants to be able to do that for him.  

He walks in silently, and his heart breaks at the sight of Bucky lying there. His hair is tied up and he’s obviously in pain. 

“Just go, Steve,” Bucky’s voice breaks, and his eyes are swollen. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Steve replies, climbing into bed beside him. “I would think you’d know that by now.”

Bucky puts his arm around Steve, which reassures Steve that he did the right thing. 

“You drink too much, yeah. That’s a flaw. Everyone has flaws, Buck. It’s just something you have to work hard on just like everyone else. You aren’t a bad person because of it, and you certainly aren’t your dad.” Steve tells him, patting his back. When Bucky hurts, Steve hurts. And vice versa. 

“I hate that you always know what to say,” Bucky chokes out a moment later, still crying a little. “It’s extremely annoying.”

“That’s what I’m here for.” Steve laughs, and then sighs. “It’s getting late. I should go to bed.”

“Wait,” Bucky grabs his arm, stopping him. He looks at him, his hair pulled back but still messy as he loosens the grip on his arm. “Just stay here. I just...I don’t want to be alone.”

Steve looks at him for a moment, and then nods. “Yeah, no problem. I understand.”

“Okay.” Bucky lets out a sigh of relief, lying down and easing back against his pillow. “Thanks.”

“Of course,” Steve laughs, pulling the blanket up and getting in. He reaches over to turn the lamp off, but Bucky stops him. 

“Just a second,” He tells him, sitting up. He reaches down and crosses his arms, grabbing the hem of his shirt with his hands and pulling it up and over his head. Steve sees the hard, toned muscles of his chest and stomach, and then Bucky runs his hands through his hair and ties it up again. Steve catches himself watching, so he quickly looks away and gulps. He hadn’t even realized he was doing it. 

Is it even  _ weird  _ that he's looking? He's known Bucky for so long, and he's seen much more than just his chest. So it's even weirder that he looked away, right? He shouldn't have to look away, he never has before. Now he doesn't even know  _ what  _ to do.

Bucky tosses his shirt on the floor, and then slides back down into the blanket. He puts his hands behind his head, showing off his bulging forearms. “It gets hot in here.”

“Yeah, mine gets hot too,” Steve laughs, reaching for the lamp again. Then he stops and shakes his head, scratching his neck. “My room, I mean. It gets really hot in there.”

“I figured that’s what you meant.” Bucky nudges his arm, and suddenly Steve can’t stop thinking about how they’ve kissed in this exact spot twice. The more he thinks about that fact, the more nervous he becomes and he isn’t sure why. This is just Bucky. “You can turn it off now.”

So he does. He reaches over and pulls the lamp switch, and suddenly all light in the room is gone. Steve breathes in deeply and snuggles against the soft bed, trying to actually relax for the first time in a while.

But he still can't. Bucky kissed him earlier, and he didn't stop him. And then he asked him to tell him if he wanted it to stop, but he didn't until at  _ least  _ twenty seconds after. So much has happened in the last 3 days that Steve feels like he's going to explode with stress.

“What are you thinking about?” Bucky asks, and Steve tries to make his gulp quiet. 

“What do you mean?” Steve asks, trying to play it cool. 

“I've known you since we were kids, Steve. I know how to tell if something's wrong. It's kind of like a sixth sense by now.” He laughs a little, but still somehow keeps the seriousness in his tone. 

“Uh...I don't know. Just so much is going on, I guess. That's all.” He shrugs, taking in a long breath. He needs to confront him about why they've kissed so many times. And how he asked what it all meant, and Bucky just kissed him as an explanation. But right now isn't the time. There are too many other things going on to bring that up.

“Wanna talk about it?” Bucky asks gently. 

“It's just everything with you and Natasha, stuff with Sharon, s-”

“-What happened with Sharon?” Bucky asks, interrupting him.

“Did I say Sharon? There's...I don't even know why I said that. It's actually one of the only good things going for me right now.” Steve let's out an awkward laugh, and for the first time in about two weeks, he's not even lying about that. Between all of the chaos and drama going on, he and Sharon are actually doing pretty well. He has no idea why he said it. 

“Oh.” Bucky forces a laugh, unsure whether to believe him or not. “Okay. I was just making sure.”

“Yeah.” Steve laughs too, and there's a horrible awkward silence in the air. Ten minutes pass, twenty minutes pass, and then an hour passes. After Steve thinks of every possible thing he  _ can  _ think of, he's finally drifting off to sleep. He’s in that halfway state where he’s on the verge of slipping into unconsciousness every passing second, but still not quite there yet. 

“Steve?” He hears quietly, but he’s too out of it to reply. He wants to, and he tries, but he can’t. Bucky says it again a little louder, but Steve feels his own breathing evening out, and he’s slipping into his dreams. In fact, this all actually feels a lot like a dream. 

Then, after Steve doesn’t reply, Bucky soundlessly moves closer, laying his head on Steve’s arm. Then his hand slides down the rest of Steve’s arm, and his fingers tangle between Steve’s. So after mustering all of his strength, Steve squeezes his hand back. Then exhaustion consumes him, and he falls into a deep sleep. 


	26. Dreams

Steve wakes up because of the light pouring through Bucky’s window. It’s right in his eyes, just about blinding him. He groans and turns, his arm getting thrown around a hard, muscley figure. He sits up and opens his eyes, blinking heavily. He remembers now, although it takes a second. He’s in Bucky’s room, in Bucky’s bed, with his arm around a half-naked Bucky. 

He suddenly gets a deep panic in his chest, and he fully sits up to look around. The sun is always still rising when he gets up for work, but judging from it pouring through the window now, it’s much later than that. 

“Oh, God, I’m late for work.” He says aloud, literally sweating. He looks over at Bucky, who is rubbing his eyes sleepily. “No,  _ we’re  _ late for work. We forgot to set our alarms last night.”

He starts to get up from bed, his mind foggy. He feels strange.

“Jesus, relax.” Bucky lays on his back, laughing as he pulls Steve back down by his shirt. His chest is bare and the blanket’s thrown off of him, showing off his long, rippling torso. “We’re off work today, remember?”

“What?” Steve pauses, looking at Bucky. He's confused, and it must be evident on his face because Bucky sits up, looking at him strangely. 

“What is going on with you?” Bucky laughs, furrowing his eyebrows. “You're acting weird.”

“I don't know what's going on.” Steve runs his fingers through his hair, frustrated. 

“Well you look good when you're confused,” Bucky laughs, pulling Steve back onto the bed next to him. Then he kisses him right on the mouth, sighing into it. Steve is still confused, but for some reason this feels right. So he lets him. 

Steve relaxes against the headboard, and Bucky grabs Steve's hands and presses them against his own bare chest, guiding him. Steve feels the soft but beautifully curved skin under his fingers, as Bucky starts kissing down his neck. 

“Take this off,” Bucky half laughs, half groans, tugging at Steve's shirt. Without even thinking Steve does it. Bucky starts kissing down his chest and abs, and Steve quickly snaps out if it from that. It was a strange sort of wake up call. 

“What the hell is going on?” Steve gasps, backing himself against the other side of the bed. “I'm just...I'm confused.”

“About what?” Bucky bites his lip, tilting his head as he scans over Steve's body. Steve knows he should be blushing but he doesn't. 

“You, and...and work. Why are we…? Me and you, why are we...” Steve asks cautiously, and then gulps. 

“Together? Are you serious? Steve, that's not even funny.” Bucky throws a pillow at him, laughing and shaking his head. “Now come here.” 

Then Bucky closes the gap between them, pulling Steve down on top of him. 

“I love seeing you on top of me,” Bucky smiles into the kiss, pressing his fingers against Steve's back. Steve feels a burning pit in his stomach that won't go away. Then Bucky flips him around, so  _ he's  _ on top. “But you know that's my position.”

“Why aren't we going to work?” Steve gulps, right before Bucky was about to kiss him again. So Bucky sighs and lays his forehead against Steve's shoulder. 

“You really know how to kill the mood, don't you?” He laughs, rolling off of him. He's lying next to him now, his hair fanned out across the pillow. “Honestly, what has gotten into you today?”

“Me? What about you?!” Steve sits up, but this all feels so  _ wrong _ somehow. He's looking at Bucky, but his head and vision is spinning. But it's...not. 

“What about me? So what if I wanted to fool around with my boyfriend in the morning? We've done it a million times and you always seemed to like it. How was I supposed to know that today you'd freak out on me?” Bucky half laughs, and Steve stands up to go look out the window. 

“Boyfriend?” Steve tries to process that in his mind, but he can't. 

“Yes, idiot,” Bucky laughs, coming up behind him and wrapping his arms around Steve's waist. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Steve turns around, shaking his head. “Sorry.”

“Are you sure you’re feeling alright?” Bucky asks with concern, pressing the back of his hand against Steve’s forehead. “Really.”

“I’m fine.” Steve laughs, breathing out. “Just a little tired, is all.”

“So then you're  _ completely sure  _ that you don't want me to make you feel better?” Bucky smirks that stupid Bucky smirk, and trails his hand down Steve's chest. Then he presses him against the wall, and agonizingly slowly pulls on the strings of Steve's sweatpants. Steve's breath catches and he gulps, unsure of what to do. But Bucky definitely seems like he knows exactly what to do. 

“Because I would do  _ anything  _ to make that happen.” He whispers as he grabs Steve over his sweatpants. There are two layers of clothing between their skin, but it feels so good that it elicits a throaty moan from him. He's panting already, and Bucky kisses him as he begins moving his hand. 

“Bucky,” Steve breathes out against his lips, closing his eyes and letting his head lean back against the wall behind him. 

“Let’s go to the bed,” Bucky grabs his hand, pulling him through the room. He stops in front of the bed, kissing him again. “Steve.”

“Yeah?” Steve pants, looking at him. But Bucky just freezes. 

“Steve,” he says again, his face expressionless. “Steve, Steve,  _ Steve!” _

Steve steps back then, confused and scared. Then his heel trips on the bed, and he falls. And he falls, and he falls, and he falls, and he feels like he's never going to hit the bed. 

He doesn’t. He hits the floor.

He groans loudly and rubs the already sore spot on his head. He feels along his chest, the same chest Bucky just had his hands all over. But he’s wearing a shirt. It takes him longer than he wanted to admit to realize it had all been a dream.

“Jesus, I thought I'd never wake you.” He hears, but he still has that strange distant feeling that happens when you wake up after a weird dream. “Get up. You're gonna be late.”

Steve opens his eyes finally, and rubs his head. The sun is just starting to rise through the window, and he's on the floor.

“What happened? I feel like I got hit by a truck.” Steve sits up, seeing Bucky lying on the bed tapping on his phone. He puts it down and looks at Steve, laughing. 

“You wouldn’t wake up, then you kept moaning and saying some gibberish. Then you fell off the bed.” Bucky laughs, and Steve gulps even  _ looking  _ at him after that dream. “Did you have a nightmare?”

“No, it was just...I don’t know.” Steve breathes out, noticing Bucky looking him up and down. Steve blushes, looking away. 

“Must have been some dream, huh?” Bucky stares at him, nodding towards the direction of his sweatpants. So Steve looks down, and sure enough, he has a boner. 

“Oh, God,” Steve uses one hand to cover it, and uses his other hand to grab a pillow to fully cover himself with. He stutters unintelligible words, and Bucky just watches him and laughs. He’s humiliated. 

“Who was it about?” Bucky yawns and stands up, pushing his hair back with his palm as his bare feet pad across his bedroom floor. Steve watches as his back muscles contract while he digs around his dresser for work clothes. 

“What do you mean?” Steve asks, still embarrassed beyond belief. This day has already started out terribly. 

“Let’s see. You were moaning and you woke up with a boner, so I think...it’s definitely safe to say you had a wet dream.” Bucky turns around and crosses his arms, leaning back against his dresser suspiciously. “The real question is who your little fantasy was about, right? I don’t know, I’m just curious.”

“I didn’t.” Steve swallows thickly, standing up. “It wasn’t that.”

“Who was it?” Bucky sighs, pretending to be deep in thought. He’s extremely amused by this, which is very annoying. “Let me think...Sharon? Natasha? Sharon  _ and  _ Natasha? Or what about...me?” He tilts his head, narrowing his eyes with a slight smile. He's joking, obviously, but Steve can't help but blush because it  _ really was  _ him.

“Stop.” Steve shakes his head, trying to force his face to turn back to a normal shade of color. 

“Just tell me,” Bucky follows him, laughing. “I promise I won’t laugh. Just tell me, and I’ll leave you alone to go jerk off in the shower to it. I won’t ever bring it up again.”

“You don’t have to be so gross about it,” Steve sighs loudly, and keeps walking towards his room. He just wants this conversation to be over with and forgotten completely. 

“Steve, come on. Was it me?” Bucky questions again, leaning against the doorframe while Steve rifles through his closet. “Because you’ve only looked at me about  _ once  _ since you woke up. And even at  _ that  _ you blushed, so I’m guessing it was.”

“Buck, stop,” Steve shakes his head, not even daring to look over at him because he knows he’s blushing now too. 

“No hard feelings! It was just a dream, Steve. You can’t help it.” Bucky explains, but Steve can practically  _ hear  _ the teasing smile in his voice. He rolls his eyes. “Was I good?”

“Fine, it was you! Are you happy now?!” Steve says in an exasperated tone, breathing out a long sigh. 

“Holy shit, I was just kidding. It really  _ was _ me?” Bucky says quietly, trying not to laugh. Steve closes his eyes and runs his fingers through his hair. 

“Can we please just forget about it? Seriously.” Steve pleads, praying to  _ God  _ that Bucky will finally just drop it. But this is Bucky, and he is incapable of doing that. 

“Of course. Listen, Steve, we’re around each other all the time. It was bound to happen. Besides, I can’t say I haven’t had a few myself.” He shrugs, still lingering in the doorway shirtless and annoying. 

“Wait,” Steve turns around, looking at him. Bucky’s just leaning there smiling smugly.  _ “You’ve  _ had dreams...about us?”

“It’s a  _ dream,  _ Steve. I’ve had sex dreams starring me and just about every person I’ve ever met at one point.” Bucky confesses nonchalantly, laughing. 

“When did that happen? Why didn’t you tell me?” Steve asks, embarrassed at the thought of a hypothetical Bucky waking up with a hypothetical boner because of a dream. 

“Yeah, just like you told me as soon as it happened, right, Steve?” He laughs a little, shaking his head. “I don’t know, it’s happened a few times. But really, though. Was your dream version of me good at sex? Because the real me, I assure you, is gr-”

“Bucky. You said if I told you that you would stop talking about it. I would really,  _ really  _ appreciate that right about now.” Steve gulps, lugging his uniform in his arms. “I have to shower. I’m going to be late.”

“I was just joking.” Bucky admits, obviously feeling a little bad now. “Sorry.”

“It’s...it’s fine. I just really need to go.” Steve pushes past him, going to the bathroom to take a shower. 


	27. Natasha

On Steve's way home from work, he couldn’t stop hoping Natasha would be back and everything would go back to normal again. But as soon as he walks into an empty apartment, he realizes how foolish of him that was to think. She needs time. Getting over things like this does not only take 12 hours. 

So he sighs and sits down at the bar, running his fingers through his hair. He got to see Sharon today for lunch which was nice, but there's a big part of him missing. He feels empty. 

He pulls his phone out and stares at the screen while he taps his fingers against the counter in front of him. Deciding to do it, he writes a text to Natasha that states: “Miss you. You don’t have to come home yet, but I want to see you and talk. Dinner tonight?”

He presses send, knowing that she’s probably just sitting at Sam’s house alone with her thoughts. He doesn’t like to imagine her any more upset than he saw her the other night. He just wants to make sure she’s okay, even if Sam reassured him of it at work today. He wants to be able to see her doing well with his own two eyes. 

It’s only about five minutes before she replies. They decide to meet at a small Mexican restaurant that’s about halfway between he and Sam’s apartments. 

“Nat,” He stands up, embracing her in a hug as soon as he sees her walk in. 

“Jesus, Rogers, you’re acting like you haven’t seen me in a year,” She laughs, squeezing him back. “You realize it’s only been about ten hours, right?”

“Yeah, I do. It’s just...it’s not the same without you home. It feels kind of like eternity, really,” He laughs, rubbing the back of his neck as they sit down. “I miss you. Bucky misses you.”

“I miss you guys too.” She sighs, and he can’t help but notice the dark circles surrounding her eyes. She looks exhausted, but he tries not to think about it too hard so he doesn’t worry himself to death. “But what good would come from me coming home? I believe you guys miss me, but...you know it would be awkward if I came home now. Things are still weird with all of us. I want to, Steve, I do, but it’s just...it’s not going to be the same. You have to know that.”

“I do. I know.” He takes in a long, sharp breath, feeling a bit dizzy for a moment. “I’m sorry, you’re right. I’m not trying to make you come back or anything if you aren’t ready. I  _ want _ you to be ready. I just want to see you still. I really do miss you.”

“I know, I miss you too,” She smiles, reaching across the table to hold his hand. “How is James? Is he okay?”

“I don’t know. You know how he is; he never talks about stuff like that. But we got home yesterday and he...he went in his room. He was crying, and he wanted me to stay with him. He’s really torn up about all of it.” Steve sighs, rubbing his eyes with exhaustion. 

“Oh, God,” She breathes in, putting her face in her hands. Now he feels bad that he’s making her feel bad, and it’s a huge mess that puts a deep pit of despair in his stomach. “I hope he’s okay. He hasn’t been drinking has he?”

“No. No, he hasn’t. I don’t think he’s going to do that anymore. I mean...I hope not, at least.  He’s okay. He’s just trying to get over some things like you are, Nat.” Steve reaches across the table to grab her hand for comfort. He gulps, realizing this may be the only good time to tell what happened. Even though he doesn’t want to. 

“There’s...I have to tell you something.” Steve says quietly, rubbing his neck anxiously. “It’s something important. I understand if you get mad, I do.”

“Steve, you’re freaking me out,” Natasha laughs nervously, setting her drink down. “What’s wrong?”

“Bucky not having those feelings for you...it wasn’t the only thing we were hiding from you.” Steve finally gets out, no matter how hard it is. “When you two were together, like practically  _ dating  _ together, um...you know that night you were working at the gym and I was supposed to go see Sharon? But Bucky came home drunk so I stayed? Well, he um...he kissed me that night.”

A long pause.

“Okay.” She takes it in, but her face is expressionless so he isn’t sure if she’s angry or upset or both. “Is there anything else?”

“Yes.” Steve builds up as much courage as he can, knowing this part is going to be much harder to explain. “Um...well that day you and Sharon went out together, Buck and I were talking in his room. And then he came out as bi to me, and he...I  _ felt  _ like he was trying to come onto me, I don’t know. But he kept on, and I just...I kissed him. It was stupid and irrational and I  _ cheated  _ on Sharon and I was a terrible friend to you for that. I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened. I understand if you’re angry.”

“Oh. So... _ you _ kissed  _ him, _ then?” She asks, gulping. “And nobody was drunk?”

“Um...yeah. Yeah.” He nods, his face flushing. “It was a stupid mistake. I didn’t even consider what I was doing or who I was hurting when I did it. I’m sorry.”

“It’s...it’s okay. I mean, yeah, it stings, but honestly...for a while I thought you two were actually fucking.” She breathes out an uneven laugh, even though nothing about this situation is funny. “So I guess this is more of a relief.”

“W-What?” He chokes out, looking around to make sure no one else heard her. “That’s not funny, Nat.”

“I wasn’t joking.” She looks in his eyes, shrugging. “There was so much tension in that apartment. At first I thought you two were just fighting, but I know what James looks like when he wants something. And he really, really wants you.”

“Don’t. Come on, that’s not true.” Steve feels his whole body heat up with embarrassment, and he’s thankful Natasha doesn’t comment on that. 

“You know...Sam said something to me that...that made me think.” She looks down at the table, and Steve furrows his eyebrows at the tone of her voice. 

“What was it?”

“James...well, Sam and I think he may have feelings for you.” She looks up to see his reaction, and it takes him a moment to even process her words. He laughs a little at first, thinking it’s all a joke. This  _ has  _ to be a joke. He’s waiting for her to burst out in laughter any second, unable to hold it in anymore. 

She doesn’t. 

“What do you mean by that?” 

“Don’t be naive, Rogers. He’s grumpy and irritable every time Sharon’s around, he asks you to sleep in his room, he  _ kisses  _ you. And I’m sure there’s a lot more going on that you don’t even pick up on just because you don’t see that kind of stuff as flirting. That’s not your fault, it’s who you are. But did you ever think he never told you about what Sharon did in highschool...because  _ he  _ wanted to be with you?”

“This is ridiculous. I’m not listening to this.” Steve chokes out a laugh, getting up from the chair. 

“I’m not going to let you isolate everyone from telling you the truth.” She grabs his arms, looking at him seriously. “Especially when  _ I’m  _ the one who should be angry with  _ you.”  _

He stands there and looks at her for a moment, his hands shaking. Then he nods and sits back down, gulping. 

“I’m sorry,” He says under his breath, shaking his head. “You’re right.”

“Sensitive topic, hmm?” She raises an eyebrow, smiling a little. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. I just wish you guys could see this from our perspective. We’ve been best friends for so, so long. It’s just not like that with us. He’s just messing around, like Bucky always does.” Steve tries to explain, but he knows she won’t understand. Only he and Bucky will ever know the extent of their friendship. It’s not at all what people around think. 

“I’ve seen him mess around up close. This isn’t that.” She tells him, looking into his eyes and shrugging. 

“I’m sorry, Nat, you just don’t understand.” He argues, shaking his head. “I don’t really expect you to get it.”

“Fine, I’ll leave it alone. I just want you to open your eyes a little - next time he does something, maybe you’ll see it. Really see it.” She sighs, and just then the waitress comes up to take their orders. 

After she leaves and takes their menus, there’s a small awkward silence in the air. He isn’t sure where they stand now, and it’s making him worry.

“Are you...mad at me? For what happened?” He asks, testing the waters. 

“I’m not particularly  _ happy  _ about it because you knew how I felt about him. But I know you, and I know there’s no evil or bad motive from it. And I...I mean I know Bucky really must have egged it on. You can’t help that.” She gives a half-assed smile, but she’s really trying and he knows that. “I’m not mad at you, Rogers. And I’m glad you told me the truth.”

“Okay, good. My God that’s been weighing on me,” He laughs, feeling like ten pound was picked up off of his chest. He can finally breathe. 

“You’re too good. I can’t believe Barnes and I haven’t corrupted that yet.” She laughs, picking her straw from her drink and blowing the contents from it onto him. Finally, with that, he feels like everything has gone back to normal again. Somewhat, at least.

After lunch they walk down the sidewalk for a while, just catching up. Not there’s much to catch up on, but they can always find things to talk about. 

“So...you and Wilson. Anything happening there yet?” He asks, teasingly nudging her arm with his elbow. 

“A little,” She shrugs, laughing as she looks down at the pavement. “I don’t know, he’s really great. But I’m trying to just take some time before I rush into it.”

“Yeah, I get it. I do. I think you both together is really great. Or it  _ will  _ be great, I mean.” He laughs, and she smiles and locks their arms, laying her head on his shoulder. 

“Yeah,” She sighs contently, and he smiles as he hears the leaves crunch beneath their shoes. “I think so too.”


	28. Date Night

“Where have you been?” Bucky asks, looking up at Steve as he walks through the door. Bucky’s lying back against the couch, sipping a soda. “I called a few times.”

“I, um...I had dinner with Nat.” He replies, barely even able to  _ look  _ at Bucky from the conversation he and Natasha had earlier. Now everything seems awkward, and he hates that. “I’m sorry. I should have checked my phone.”

“Nat?” Bucky sets his drink down and sits up, his full attention now on Steve. “How is she? Is she doing okay?”

“Yeah, she’s fine. She’s not exactly...ready to come home yet. But soon, I think. Soon.” He sighs, walking into the kitchen. 

“Did she...talk about me?” Bucky asks a little timidly, worried she’s angry with him. 

“She did.  _ We  _ did. But she’s not mad, Bucky. She’s not. She needs time to heal, yeah, but she’s not angry or hateful or any of that stuff.” Steve explains, and Bucky takes in a sharp breath. 

“Okay, good. I wouldn’t...I wouldn’t really blame her if she were any of those things.” Bucky admits, looking down at the floor. Steve feels a lump in his throat but he swallows it down. “Do you wanna come watch TV with me? Tom and Jerry’s on. I know how much you used to love that show.”

“Oh yeah,” Steve smiles a little, nervously clearing his throat as he steps over into the living room. He sees an open spot on the couch next to Bucky, but he opts for the chair instead. He feels incredibly awkward but really hopes that Bucky doesn’t pick that up. “So, how was work?”

“Pretty good. It was work, so same as always, I guess.” He laughs, looking  _ right at  _ Steve. Steve looks away and nods, laughing. “What about you? Did you see Carter?”

Steve considered what Natasha said: “ _ But did you ever think he never told you about what Sharon did in highschool...because he wanted to be with you?”  _ He clears his throat and shakes the thought away, trying to focus. 

“It was decent. And yeah, we had lunch. We had a good time.” Steve tells Bucky, chewing the inside of his cheek. 

“Sounds like it.” Bucky nods, leaning back in his seat and taking another drink of his soda. Steve tries to ignore the attitude in his voice, but it’s extremely difficult to. He didn’t even try to hide it. 

“What’s your problem?” Steve speaks out, finally unable to let Bucky to treat him like this anymore. He’s tired of it. 

“My problem with what?” Bucky laughs a little, furrowing his eyebrows at Steve. There’s not even a tiny bit of seriousness in him right now, and Steve is pissed off about that. 

“With me and Sharon. You don’t have to like her, but you should keep your rudeness to yourself. I don’t want to hear it.” Steve grits his teeth, his hands shaking. He hates any form of confrontation, but he knows sometimes it’s necessary.  

“How was that rude? I said it sounds like you had fun! That’s it!” Bucky laughs again, this time with a hint of anger behind it. 

“It’s...God, it’s  _ how  _ you said it! Stop making me feel like I’m making stuff up - I know I’m not!” Steve retorts, clenching his fists. He hates being angry, he hates being upset, and he hates fighting. Especially with Bucky. 

“Fine. Sharon isn’t my favorite person in the world, so what?” He asks, tilting his head. “I don’t have to like her.”

“What did she do? Why don’t you like her? I just...I want my best friend to like the girl I like.” Steve replies, trying to calm down. Bucky can get him angrier faster than anyone else. 

Bucky opens his mouth to reply, to tell him why he doesn’t like Sharon, but he shuts his mouth and looks away, shaking his head. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It matters to me!” Steve retorts, trying not to let his feelings get hurt.

“Let’s just not talk about it. I don’t want to fight.” Bucky sighs, and Steve does too, putting his face in his hands. 

“Fine.” Steve rubs the bridge of his nose, trying to ignore it. He doesn’t want to fight either. 

They don’t really speak much the rest of the night. Steve’s upset, Bucky’s annoyed, and they both miss Natasha who was always able to cool things down. 

The next day is significantly better. It starts out like any other day, but then good things oddly start happening. First, it was the fact the Steve found a $20 bill on the ground which  _ never  _ happens to him. Bucky’s always been the one with good luck. Then when he tries to pay for his cab to work, the cabbie lets him know that the person before him paid for the next person’s ride. When he does get to work, he and Sam talk and laugh and things don’t feel quite so bad anymore. So then at lunch with Sharon, he suggests that she come over that night and he’ll cook for her. He wants it to be romantic, and he wants to be able to let things go back to normal. This is normal.

“You sure Bucky will be up to third-wheeling for this ‘romantic evening?’” She laughs, but she’s smiling like she’s really happy he asked her. 

“I’ll just...ask him to go out for the night. I’m sure he won’t mind.” Steve replies, thinking about the fact that Bucky doesn’t even  _ like  _ Sharon. He for sure won’t want to be in the apartment for this. 

So when they have to part ways again before they go back inside, Sharon pulls him close and kisses him, then whispers:  _ “Can’t wait for tonight.” _

“So, uh…” Steve stands up, looking at Bucky as he comes home from work. He’s sweaty and tired, and his hair is pushed down under a baseball cap. “Sharon’s coming over tonight. For dinner.”

“Oh yeah?” Bucky replies flatly, but Steve can tell he’s at least  _ trying  _ to sound even a small bit interested. He’s thankful for that. 

“Yeah. It’s going to be kind of...a date thing. With candles and music and all of that. I was just thinking that maybe you, uh…” Steve starts, but Bucky interrupts. 

“I would love to double date with you and Carter. I actually have someone in mind.” Bucky laughs, throwing his duffel bag in his room. 

“Actually, I thought…” Steve tries to correct him, but Bucky’s just standing there with his arms crossed, looking right at him. And Steve feels bad. “I mean that’s great. That’s exactly what I was going to ask.”

“Great, then we’re on the same page. So what time should I ask her to come over?” Bucky asks, peeling his clothes off to take a shower. 

“Sharon’s coming over at seven. So around that time would be good.” Steve chews on the inside of his cheek, and Bucky nods. He starts walking towards the bathroom, but Steve stops him. “Um...who are you bringing?”

“There’s a girl I met at the gym that’s been coming in a lot lately. I’ve been wanting to ask her out, so I guess this is the perfect opportunity.” Bucky shrugs, and then closes the door of the bathroom. Steve stands there for a second, before going to the kitchen and beginning to cook. 

“No, I promise it’s fine. I don’t mind.” Sharon whispers with a laugh, after Steve tells her about Bucky misreading his request by double dating. “I’m just glad to be here with you.”

So Steve kisses her then, smiling as they walk into the apartment together. 

“That smells amazing.” Sharon puts her hand on Steve’s chest, leaning her head on his shoulder. 

“Thanks. It’s, uh...my mom used to cook it for me and Buck when we were kids.” Steve laughs, and they sit down at the table. Then there’s a knock on the door, and Bucky comes out of his room and opens the front door of the apartment. Steve strains his neck a little to get a look at this mystery girl. She walks in and Bucky closes the door, and then puts his hand on the small of her back. 

She’s tall. Very tall and model-like, with her hair to her shoulders in tight, kinky curls. She’s beautiful, just like every girl Bucky has been with. Her skin is dark and radiant, and it goes perfectly with the light pink dress she’s wearing. 

“Steve, Sharon, this is Aliyah.” Bucky introduces her, and she smiles. “Aliyah, this is my best friend Steve, and his...girlfriend Sharon.”

“So nice to meet you both.” She smiles, and Steve and Sharon stand up to shake her hand. “Thank you for letting me come.”

“No, that’s no problem. We’re glad you’re here. And it’s nice to meet you, too.” Steve nods, sitting back down in his seat. 

The dinner actually goes significantly less awkward than Steve had anticipated. Aliyah actually  _ is  _ a model for a few businesses, and she has been since she was nineteen. It’s how she paid for her college. 

After they all sat around drinking wine (Bucky opted for a soda), Bucky and Aliyah snuck back into his room. Sharon and Steve stayed at the table talking and laughing about everything. He briefly explained everything that happened with Natasha, and she nodded in understanding. Anyone who knew the story knew that this is how it was going to end up anyway, so she wasn’t surprised. 

And then, in the middle of conversation, they start hearing Bucky and Aliyah in the other room. It wasn’t  _ too  _ bad at first; it was only at the point where Sharon and Steve just laughed, and then kept on with the conversation. But then they started hearing slams against the walls, and things hitting the floor, and the horrible noise of the headboard knocking into the wall that Steve remembers so vividly. 

“Do you want to, um...go for a walk maybe?” Sharon laughs, raising an eyebrow. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I was just about to suggest that.” Steve laughs too, and they get up from their seats and practically  _ run  _ to the front door. They burst out into laughter as they descend the steps, and then push through the door of the apartment building. The cool air rushes into their faces, and Steve pulls a shivering Sharon against his side. 

“I’m sorry about Bucky.” He sighs, shaking his head. 

“It’s okay. That’s the way I sort of always remembered him.” She laughs, pressing her palm against Steve’s side. 

“Like how?” Steve asks curiously, as they sit on a bench. 

“He’s always been...well, a player.” Sharon laughs, looking up at Steve. “But you know that.”

“Yeah, I guess I do.” Steve answers, looking down at the leaves blowing across the pavement. He doesn’t like to think of the fact that Bucky would use someone. To be one of those guys that slept with someone and never called them back. He never talked to Steve about that part of his life; maybe because he knew he would disapprove of it. “He’s just been weird lately. With everything thing going on, I don’t know...everything’s just been crazy.”

“That’s normal. Things have changed, so stuff may be different for a while. That’s just how it is.” She consoles him, lacing their fingers together. 

“I know. I just wish it wasn't that way.” He admits, rubbing her arm to warm it. “It's cold.” 

“It really is They can't last  _ too  _ much longer though, right?” Sharon sighs, as they watch people walk past. 

“Yes, they can. When Nat was still home...it went on for hours. I rarely ever got more than a few hours of sleep.” He complains, and she pulls back and laughs.

“No. That long?!” She gasps, laughing.

“Yeah. So we could freeze out here if we’re looking at it from a logical perspective.” He smiles, seeing redness of her nose. 

“Well, as long as I'm with you.” She whispers, and he sees her breath in the air as if it was smoke from a cigarette. 

He smiles and pulls her against him, laying his cheek on her head. 

After about twenty minutes of them sitting there, it becomes way too cold to tolerate. So they walk to a coffee shop down the street, and order themselves warm cookies and scolding hot chocolate. They talk and laugh, just enjoying each other's company. 

“We should probably go back now. We have work tomorrow.” Sharon sighs, looking sad. 

“You can...you know, stay at the apartment. If you want, of course.” He offers, shrugging and gulping. 

“I would love to. I really, really would. But...I didn't bring work clothes. And my apartment is the opposite way, so I couldn't exactly go there on the way to work tomorrow.” She sighs, putting her hand on his. “I'm sorry. Maybe this weekend?”

“Oh yeah, that's completely fine. It just needs to be more of a planned thing, I get it.” He nods and laughs, and she leans in to kiss him. 

“Thanks for understanding.” She smiles, and he gulps. 

They go back to his apartment and she grabs her purse. They no longer hear them in the other room, which relieves Steve a lot since it's already late and he has to get up for work in the morning. 

“I'm really glad you came.” He whispers, right outside their apartment door in the hall. 

“I am too.” She replies, pulling him down to kiss her. “Thanks for dinner. It was great.”

“No problem.” He laughs, suddenly very, very nervous. Kissing randomly is much easier: you don't even have  _ time  _ to think about it, or how it could go wrong. It's in the heat of the moment, it happens, it’s over. But like  _ this,  _ when he knows what's coming and has much too long to think about it, it's a lot scarier. 

His heart is pounding and his palms are sweating as she looks in his eyes. She locks her hands behind his neck, stands on her toes, and kisses him. He sets his hands on her waist and picks her up, and she laughs as she wraps her legs around him. So he backs against the wall, and their slow kiss is rapidly getting more intense.  

She kisses his jaw and his neck, and he takes in a long breath. They continue making out there, against the wall of that hallway. It's only until there's a loud bang in the apartment across the hall when they pull away, laughing. He lets her down and scratches the back of his neck, smiling. 

“God, I feel like a teenager again,” She laughs, shaking her head. “Maybe...we can continue this on Friday?” 

“Yeah. Yeah, sounds good.” He nods, and she grins. 

“Great. I'll see you tomorrow, Steve.” She walks backwards, and he waves and says goodbye. He has to look down at his hands to make sure it all wasn’t a dream, and then he leans his head back against the wall, smiling. 


	29. Honesty

He gets up the next day and peaks out his door, making sure he doesn’t run into a naked Aliyah or Bucky. When he doesn’t see them, he tip toes into the kitchen, and digs through the fridge. He settles on a banana, cheerios, and a glass of chocolate milk. 

“Sharon here?” Bucky asks, yawning as his bare feet patter against the wood floor. 

“No, she didn’t, um, stay.” Steve looks up at him, almost choking on his cheerios. He’s in boxers and boxers only, rubbing his eyes sleepily. Not that that’s  _ strange;  _ he’s seen him that way a lot of times. Maybe it was just because he wasn’t expecting it. 

“Ahh,” Bucky laughs in a gravelly voice, and Steve looks down at his cereal, moving the spoon around it aimlessly. He opens his mouth to ask if Aliyah is still here, but right as he’s about to she walks out of his room. Her hair is pulled up now, her face is fresh of makeup, and she’s wearing one of Bucky’s t-shirts and a pair of his boxers. She’s one of those people who are just naturally stunning, and Steve feels himself getting a little jealous. He had never been naturally good-looking, or even good-looking at all for over half of his life. People that look like that will never understand all of the amazing perks they get just for being beautiful. As if that isn’t nice enough as it is.

“Good morning, Steve,” She laughs, taking a seat at the bar next to him. 

“Morning,” He nods, as Bucky spews out a gulp of the stale coffee left from the morning before. 

“Jesus Christ, that’s disgusting. Did you not switch it out?” Bucky looks at Steve as he pours the rest down the drain. 

“Since when has that been my job?” Steve raises an eyebrow, even though yes, he has done it every single day since they’ve roomed together. 

“Holy shit, cranky much?” Bucky laughs, narrowing his eyes at him. Aliyah just sits there silently, looking down at the counter. 

“I’m going to get ready for work.” Steve says in a low voice, completely annoyed. He isn’t sure why, but he’s definitely not in a great mood today. 

“Oh, um, have a great day!” Aliyah says after him, and even though he’s moody he still smiles and waves. He hates being in a bad mood, because he hates the way he treats people because of it. He hopes she doesn’t think he’s a jerk.

Despite what she said yesterday, Steve  _ didn’t  _ get to see Sharon at work today. She was on duty the entire day, so he and Sam went to lunch together. They talked about Nat and Sharon most of the time, and work for the rest of it. 

When he gets home from work he tosses his keys on the counter and searches through the fridge for food. There’s pretty much nothing except a head of lettuce and a stick of butter. Which is probably very old. So Steve sighs and goes in his room to get dressed, then comes back out with a piece of paper and a pen for a grocery list. 

“Going to get groceries? Thank God, I thought we would end up starving in here.” Bucky laughs walking in, and then sets his duffel bag on the ground and sits down at the bar. “Put apples and granola bars on the list, please.”

“Already put ‘em down.” Steve laughs, writing “frozen dinners” down on the list. Bucky just smiles and laughs, shrugging his shoulders.

“You know me well.” He says, sighing. “Hold on a minute. I’m gonna take a shower but I’ll come with you.”

“Okay, I’ll wait.” Steve nods, laughing at Bucky’s enthusiasm. So Steve sits down and scrolls through his phone while he waits. 

“Hey, what was up with you this morning by the way?” Bucky walks in ten minutes later, pulling his shirt over his torso. 

“I don’t know,” Steve admits, standing up and grabbing his keys. “I guess I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Sorry. I hope Aliyah doesn’t think I’m horrible or anything.”

“No, I told her that’s probably what it was. You’re never like that, so I think you deserve a few bad days just like everyone else.” Bucky laughs, knocking his arm against Steve’s. He’s in an oddly good mood. 

“I guess.” Steve laughs too, influenced by Bucky’s mood so much that  _ he’s  _ even starting to feel better. “I, uh, like Aliyah.”

“Really?” Bucky furrows his eyebrows a little, shrugging as if he didn’t think he did. 

“Why do you sound so surprised?” Steve asks genuinely, feeling bad. 

“Not surprised, just, uh...glad, I guess.” He laughs, rubbing the back of his neck as they descend the stairs. “My  _ God  _ she’s beautiful.”

“Yeah, she is.” Steve nods, shoving his hands in his pockets. 

“And the  _ sex.  _ Goddamn, I-” He starts, but Steve pushes him a little. 

“I’d rather not hear  _ about  _ it, since I had to actually hear it happening.” Steve tries to laugh, but instead it comes out in more of an angry way. 

“What, jealous?” Bucky looks at him, crossing his arms. 

“Why would I be jealous?” Steve laughs, gulping. “No.”

“Because you aren’t getting any,” Bucky shrugs, pushing his hair back so the wind doesn’t blow it in his face. 

“Don’t be a jerk. It’s my choice, Buck. Besides, I don’t let my entire mood be based off of... _ that.”  _ Steve huffs, pulling his jacket tighter around him. 

“Yeah, or else you would be in a terrible mood at all times,” Bucky slaps his hand to Steve’s shoulder, laughing. Steve rolls his eyes and shakes his shoulders so his hand falls off, and Bucky sighs. “Come on, it’s a joke! I personally am very impressed by your dedication.”

“It’s not  _ dedication.  _ It’s the fact that I’m not ready yet. That’s it.” Steve admits, pushing Bucky a little with a laugh. “Look, I don’t laugh at your view on it, so I’d appreciate if you didn’t laugh at mine.”

“I’m not. I’m not, Steve, come on. I’m just messing with you, you know that.” Bucky says in his gravelly ‘I’m joking’ voice, knocking his shoulder with his own. 

“I know. Shut up.” Steve looks down and laughs, a little embarrassed at the conversation topic. 

“You shut up,” Bucky smiles, and then turns so he can wave down a taxi. 

“So does Aliyah like her job?” Steve asks, pushing the cart to the dairy section of the store. “It must be pretty nice to get paid just to be beautiful.”

“She does like it. It’s pretty flexible, and she gets to travel sometimes.” Bucky snatches the list from Steve’s hands, walking backwards as he stares at it. “She said highschool was hard. She used to get laughed at because of her height and weight. I guess that worked out for her, though.”

“Sounds familiar.” Steve laughs, chewing the inside of his cheek. “Except the last part.”

“Whoa, what do you mean?” Bucky gets in front of the cart, stopping it. 

“She’s a model. She’s stunning. What do  _ you  _ mean?” Steve half laughs, narrowing his eyes in confusion. 

“You said ‘Sounds familiar. Except the last part.’” He answers, looking at Steve. “What does that mean?”

“I just mean...high school sucks. But for some people that doesn’t  _ continue  _ after it. For some people it does. That’s all I meant.” Steve says, trying to push past Bucky. He won’t budge. 

“What, like you?” Bucky scoffs, shaking his head. “Christ, Steve, you realize that you’re actually  _ really  _ good-looking? And I’m not  _ just saying  _ that? Rarely anyone looks amazingly hot in high school.”

“Don’t, Bucky,” Steve sighs, now embarrassed from people around giving odd looks. 

“All those kids who made fun of you were dicks. That’s all there is to it. It sucked, yeah, but I wish you would be able to realize it’s not that way anymore.” 

“Don’t talk like you know what it’s like. I’m sorry, but you don’t. You looked good all throughout high school, and I was the weird, nerdy kid that no one knew why you were friends with. Seeing it happen and being the one it actually happens to are two completely different things.” 

“I never claimed to know what it was like. But it hurt me to see it hurt you. You know I hate bullies, you know I do. It all really sucks and I hate the way that it made you look at yourself, even to this day.” Bucky sighs, and they’re right in the middle of the aisle looking at each other. 

“I’m fine.” Steve gulps, relaxing his shoulders. “And I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be so controversial about it, either. You’re a good friend; you always have been. I wouldn’t have made it through highschool without you.”

“I may not have been the ugly duckling like  _ some  _ people,” Bucky smiles, making Steve look down and shake his head with a laugh. “But I wouldn’t have made it without you either.”

“Come on, jerk,” Steve bumps him with the cart, laughing. Bucky laughs too, and walks beside him. 

The rest of the grocery store trip is basically Bucky begging Steve to get a certain kind of junk food and Steve telling him no, they can’t afford it, so Bucky gives him a pouty face. Steve eventually budges every time. 

“How can you work at a gym and pride yourself on being healthy and fit, but then come home and slam your face with junk food. I don’t get it.” Steve laughs, setting putting the carton of eggs into a spot in the fridge. 

“There has to be a balance. Besides, I don’t think I look too bad, do you?” He asks, laughing. 

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Steve sighs, shaking his head. “What do you want for dinner?”

They end up making tacos. They both felt a little bad since this was their famous “when we eat tacos we all sit at the table and talk” night with Natasha. So they pretended they had never done that before and sat in the living room while they ate.

“I have...a question.” Steve clears his throat a little, looking at Bucky. They’ve had a great day, they’re in a good spot, and Steve knows that if he’s going to ask, this is the time to do it.

“Go ahead.” Bucky leans back against the couch, waiting. 

“I really want to know...why don’t you like Sharon?” He asks calmly, timidly. 

“Oh God, don’t bring that up again.” Bucky sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“How can I not? It’s been making me sick. I just have to know.” Steve pleads, his eyes begging. “I want you to like her.”

“You really want to know why I don’t like Sharon?” Bucky asks, sitting up in his seat. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.” Steve nods, taking in a breath.

“She’s just not right for you. Yeah, she was nice to you in highschool. But she never noticed you - really  _ noticed  _ you - until you got tall and buff and hot. The way it all happened just rubs me the wrong way.” Bucky finally admits, and Steve takes a second to process that. 

“You really think that about her? That she’s like that? She’s not, Bucky. She’s not. She’s kind and smart and beautiful, and she wants to help people. She’s a good person.” Steve tells him, shaking his head. “How could you do this to me?”

“Don’t be like that, Steve, I’m just trying to look out for you. I want you to be with someone who  _ deserves  _ you.” Bucky pushes his fingers through his hair, leaning forward on the couch. 

“And who is that? Really, Bucky, who is your choice of person for me to be with?” Steve says a little sarcastically. 

“Actually, I’d rather you not be with anyone. No one is good enough for you, no one. Me and Natasha used to talk about that all the time.” Bucky puts his face in his hands, making Steve gulp. He’s confused. “Honestly, you’re going to have to get over me not liking who you go out with. I’ll never like them. They’ll never be good enough for you.”

“That’s...that’s not fair. It’s not. So you won’t even try? You don’t make sense.” Steve feels a little frantic now, trying to understand. “Don’t you want me to be happy?”

“Jesus Christ, of course I want you to be happy. I want you to be happy more than I want  _ myself  _ to be happy. But anyone who knows you knows that no person in this shitty world actually deserves to be with you. So yeah, I want and hope you’re happy. But don’t count on me liking whoever you’re with, or...whoever you end up being with. I won’t.” Bucky replies, shrugging. 

“I hate that you...you  _ both  _ think I’m some saint. Some perfect person who never makes mistakes. But I do. I’m human. It’s not fair to me. Or yourselves, because I’m going to inevitably let you down.” Steve confesses, shaking his head. “And I have before.”

“We know you aren’t perfect. We know that. But you’re the damn closest person that is.” Bucky laughs out, tucking his hair behind his ear. 

“Come on, don’t do that. It’s not true. It’s just not.” Steve breathes out, putting his face in his hands. 

“I’ve known you all my life. I’ve seen you make mistakes. I’ve seen you in every situation, right there beside you, and I saw how you dealt with them. And when I wanted to do the selfish thing, the thing that  _ anyone  _ would pick, you didn’t. You always,  _ always  _ do the right thing. Time and time again. You are the most selfless, caring, and forgiving person I’ve ever met. In all honestly, I just...I don’t even understand why you’ve stood by me this long. I’m...I do horrible things, I say horrible things, and I do so many things that someone like you shouldn’t have to even be associated with.”

“Don’t talk about yourself that way. You’re my best friend. Yes, you make mistakes, just like everyone else. I’ve never ever thought you were a bad person, Buck. Not once. Never even a  _ thought  _ crossed my mind that you were anything less than one of the best people I’ve ever known _.  _ You have a good heart. You’ve made me better as a person, just being around you.” Steve admits, and Bucky just stares at the ground. “You know I love you, Bucky.”

A long pause. Bucky gulps, staring at his hands. “Don’t, Steve.”

“What? You’re my best friend. I do love you, you know that.” Steve laughs, a little confused. 

“Just...just stop saying it.” Bucky stands up, pacing around the living room. “Just stop. I can’t hear that.”

“What’s wrong? I can’t tell you I love you now?” Steve stands up, following Bucky around the room. Bucky turns around, pushing Steve back with his palm. 

“I fucking hate when you say that! My  _ God,  _ I fucking hate it. Because when you say it, I know that it means something completely different to you than it does to me. It always has. And it breaks my heart more and more every single time, because you have no idea what it’s doing to me.” Bucky looks at him, gulping. He grits his teeth, trying to keep himself together. 

“Bucky...what are you saying?” Steve asks, his heart racing. 

“What do you think I’m saying?” Bucky laughs sadly, his voice breaking. “I’m in love with you. I always have been, and I always will be.”

“No,” Steve gulps, hardly able to breathe. 

“I am. And I have been for a long time. And this isn’t some stupid crush, or just something I’ve thought about once or twice. I am completely, one hundred percent in love with you.” Bucky laughs miserably, and Steve feels so much pain that he can hardly take it. “And I’m not stupid, okay? I know you don’t feel that way about me. I’ve just...gone long enough holding it in, and I can’t do it anymore.”

Steve feels frozen. He couldn't speak even if he  _ wanted  _ to, which he doesn't really. 

“Natasha knows. She confronted me about it, um...a few times, actually. I denied it, but you know Nat.” He chokes out, rubbing his chin. “I, uh...I didn’t even really realize how I felt about you until you came home from your first date with Sharon. I had seen you dating those girls in college, but the way your eyes lit up after being with Sharon...that really struck something in me. I was so goddamn jealous. And then we kissed that night, for the first time, and I knew that was it for me. I was never going to get over you, so I tried to take things into my own hands. I kissed you again the next day to make sure it was real. And it was. So I got with Natasha. I thought that maybe...maybe it would change things. Maybe I really would fall for her, and I’d realize what I felt for you wasn’t real, or that it wouldn’t last. But as hard as I tried, it never worked. Not for a second. My God, I couldn’t even  _ pretend  _ to myself it was working.”

Steve still just stands there, shocked. So Bucky continues spilling his guts to him.

“I know I kissed you a few times. And it felt really good when you kissed me back. But something that really got to me is when  _ you  _ kissed  _ me  _ the other day. I know I was pushing you a little, I know that. But that gave me a small bit of hope that’s been tormenting me since. And the dream you had last night. Look, I know you can’t control that. But the fact that it made you  _ think  _ about us ever being together was enough for me. I don’t expect you to feel the same way, I don’t. I just don’t want to keep lying to you, or myself about it.”

“I don’t really...know what to say.” Steve whispers, feeling dizzy. Everything around feels extremely surreal.

“I know. I don’t mean to put you in a tough spot like this, I’m not meaning to, uh…” Bucky stops mid-sentence, breathing in deeply. He’s staring right in Steve’s eyes, and his own eyes fall to Steve’s lips. He gulps then, rushing forward and grabbing his face. He presses his lips to Steve’s, gasping against his mouth. His hands are pushing through his hair, holding him close, grasping at hair and skin and clothing. Eventually Bucky slows it down, letting it fall into a more steady, passionate kiss. Then he pulls away reluctantly, and Steve looks down at the floor. 

“Buck…” 

“I know,” Bucky whispers, stepping back. “I’m sorry. I just had to do that again. I’m done. We don’t...we don’t ever have to talk about any of this again. In fact, I would really like if we could just forget about it altogether.”

“I’ll do my best.” Steve reassures him, but he immediately realizes that it came out the completely wrong way. “I didn’t mean…”

“It’s fine. I understand.” Bucky clears his throat, stepping back. “I’m gonna just go to bed. I’m exhausted.”

“Okay,” Steve scratches the back of his neck awkwardly, unsure of what to do. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.” Bucky forces a smile, and then goes to his room. Steve stands there for a moment, unable to believe what just happened. And then when he goes in his own room and lays down, he knows Bucky’s in his room hurting. And it’s his own fault this time. 


	30. Unwelcomed Changes

Steve doesn’t even want to leave his bed the next morning. His stomach has been in knots all night. The worst part is that every hour or so, he would hear Bucky race out of his room to get sick in the bathroom. He would quietly shut the door so Steve wouldn’t hear it because he didn’t want him to feel bad. But he heard each wretch and each sob, and that’s something that he knows will haunt him forever.

He tried to think about all of the signs he must have missed this entire time. He remembers Natasha mentioning that he didn’t bring up the whole ‘Sharon punching the bully’ thing because maybe he was scared that he and Sharon would date. And then there’s the fact that he doesn’t like Sharon at all, the way he acted after the first night they kissed, how many times he kissed him  _ after _ that. Sam and Natasha had been right all along. Even  _ Sharon  _ thought something was going on, for God’s sake. They were right except for one thing: he didn’t just have  _ feelings  _ for Steve. He’s in love with him. Those are two completely different things. 

Steve remembers all of the sexual jokes Bucky made at his expense, wondering if Bucky would have still done the same thing if he  _ didn't  _ have feelings for him. Maybe Steve's just too naive to have noticed all of the signs right in front of him. 

Not knowing what else to do, he texts Natasha. He doesn't go into detail, he just tells her that they really,  _ really  _ need to talk. She tells him that she'll meet him at a coffee shop as soon as he gets off of work. He feels a little relieved at that, knowing if he can just get through this work day, a lot of things will be helped afterwards. 

Steve gets dressed in his room, and then right as he's about to go out he hears the front door shut. Bucky must have had the same idea as him. Although Steve isn't too happy that he's going to  _ work  _ in this condition. He wonders if Bucky’s eyes are empty and dark like his own.

He selfishly thinks about how this is going to change things for them. Bucky probably already hates him by now. Things were already so much different with everything going on with Natasha, but now this? This is something that’s going to keep a barrier between. Because Steve knows now, Bucky knows Steve knows, Steve knows he’s hurting Bucky, and Bucky knows Steve’s trying  _ not  _ to hurt him my being careful. Things won’t be the same. 

So he goes to work, not even bothering to look in the mirror because he knows he looks like a zombie. He can barely keep his eyes open to do paperwork, and Sam keeps throwing pens and balled up pieces of paper at him to keep him awake. 

“Seriously, man, are you alright?” Sam pushes again, and Steve puts his face in his hands and sighs, shaking his head.

“Not really. I mean I'm fine, it's just...crazy stuff happened last night.” Steve sighs, unsure if he should tell him what happened. If it was the other way around, he's pretty sure he wouldn't want Bucky telling everyone that private piece of information. 

“Let me guess. Barnes told you he has feelings for you?” Sam looks at him seriously, and Steve rubs the bridge of his nose, not replying. “I knew it. As soon as Natasha told me you wanted to talk after work today...God, I knew it.”

“I just don’t know what to do.” Steve replies, looking over at him sadly and lowering his voice. “It’s bad.”

“So what did you say?” Sam asks, narrowing his eyes and rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

“I...I didn't exactly  _ say  _ anything. I wasn't sure what I  _ should  _ say.” Steve admits, gulping. “I mean...what are you supposed to say in that situation? Or  _ do?” _

“Honestly...I’m not the guy to ask.” Sam shrugs, shaking his head. “Steve, are you, uh... _ completely  _ sure you don’t feel the same way? Even a little?”

“Ooh, even a little what?” Sharon laughs, making Steve almost fall out of his seat. He swallows thickly and regains his balance, looking at her and laughing nervously. She had obviously just walked up, but it doesn't make it much easier to handle at the present moment. “Did I miss something exciting?” 

“No! No, ha ha,” Steve forces out a bout of laughter, his heart pounding in his ears. “That was just, uh...the punchline to some horrible joke he came up with. Terrible, really.”

“Whoa, dude, don’t be so harsh!” Sam laughs, playing it cool as always and saving them. Sharon just laughs, and Steve relaxes his back against the chair. 

“Mind if I steal him from you today, Wilson?” Sharon smiles, reaching her hand out for Steve to take. 

“Yeah, yeah, go ahead and leave me by myself, I don’t mind,” He sighs, swivelling in his chair dramatically. Steve would have felt bad except for the fact the Sam had a hint of a smile showing. 

Steve’s been debating all day (and night) on whether he should tell Sharon what happened. And around an hour or so ago, he had made up his mind: he’s going to. 

“You okay? You look like you need to tell me something.” She laughs across from him at the small table, tilting her head slightly to the side. 

“Oh, uh…” He gulps, thinking it over. In what way would this turn out well? For anyone? Not to just save himself, but really, what good would come out of telling her about Bucky’s feelings? “I'm just tired.” He laughs it off, trying to act normal. “Didn't get enough sleep last night.”

“Aw, I'm sorry,” She puts her hand on his, but all that's buzzing through his head is  _ I hope Bucky’s okay.  _ “Was Aliyah over again by chance?”

“No, it's…”  _ Lie, lie, lie. That's all he's been doing.  _ “Just couldn't sleep for some reason.” 

“Oh. Well maybe your lack of sleep  _ last  _ night will contribute to an amazing night of sleep  _ tonight.  _ Like fall-in-bed-and-already-be-asleep amazing.” She laughs, squeezing his hand. 

He wants to be home. He wants to be on the couch with Natasha and Bucky, drinking hot cocoa and watching those stupid scary movies they force him to watch. He wants to be talking and laughing and getting embarrassed and making them laugh and cooking for them because they're too lazy to do it themselves. Mostly, though, he just wants his best friend back. 

“You okay? Really, Steve, you look…God, are you sick?” Sharon asks, getting up from her chair. 

“I don't...I think I'm...I have to go. I'm sorry, I have to go.” He gets up, accidentally knocking over a plate in the process. 

“You haven't taken a sick day in months. Just go home. Just go home and call me, okay? Let me know you're okay.” She grabs his arm, but he feels like he's going to be sick right here, in this restaurant. “Do you need to go to the hospital?”

“No, I just need to rest, I think. I just need to be home.” He breathes out, gulping.

“What's Bucky’s number? I'm calling him.” She pulls her phone out, but his name makes him turn around immediately. 

“No.” He says, shaking his head. “I mean...it’s fine. I’m just gonna get a cab. I’m fine, really, I just am exhausted. Don’t worry.” He reaches in his pocket, leaving money on the table next to his uneaten lunch. “That should cover it and be enough for a tip. I’m sorry, Sharon, I am. I’ll text you when I get home, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, that’s fine. I hope you feel better.” She forces a smile, but the worry is in her eyes. 

“Me too.” He laughs, leaning down to kiss her forehead. She eases up a little, realizing that maybe everything’s fine. It’s not, but he’s glad it reassured her. 

“I’ll let Chief Fury know.” She nods, letting her hand slip from his grasp. 

“Thank you. I’ll text you.” He smiles, and she nods. 

So he walks out, relieved that he has fresh air. He feels less panicked now, but that he still might throw up at any second. He waves down a cab, not letting himself be the normal timid Steve that waits twenty minutes to take a cab because there’s someone else behind him that might need it more. No. This time he needs a cab, this time he can’t let anyone go ahead of him. He feels like he’s going to be sick right now, right in front of all of these strangers. 

He makes it home  _ without  _ puking, surprisingly. His hand shakes as he unlocks the door carefully, and then he rushes through the apartment, finally to the toilet. Nothing comes out, but he wretches anyway. His stomach is pulling and aching and he starts sobbing. Not from the physical pain, no; it’s much worse than that. He never imagined he could hurt this much, this deeply. And if he ever  _ had  _ been able to imagine it, he knows that he would have pictured Bucky here by his side, telling him it’s going to be okay, that life goes on. 

But he’s here alone, still unable to fathom that it’s Bucky that he is entirely shattered over. 


	31. Confessions

“Steve,” Natasha rushes in later, - he’s not sure how long - getting down to help him up. He feels empty and hollow and he’s been staring at the wall emotionless for what seems like eternity. “Oh my God, Steve, are you okay?”

“Nat, I’m fine.” He pushes himself up with his palms, gulping as his back presses against the tub. 

“Don’t talk to me like I’m any other person, Steve, don’t,” She wipes under her teary eyes, sniffing. “Don’t pretend like you’re okay to make me feel better.”

He considers that for a second, looking down at the floor. “I know,” he whispers, “Sorry.”

“My God,” She throws her arms around his neck, almost knocking him over with the force of her hug. “I was so worried about you. I was sitting there, waiting for your text, and then Sam called me, telling me that Sharon was really freaked out over lunch. And then about what happened last night with James, and I…”

“So you know?” Steve pulls back, looking at her. 

“Not everything. Just...just that he told you his feelings, but that’s all Sam told me.” She pulls herself together, gulping. 

“That’s, uh, why I wanted to meet you after work. I just...I have to tell someone. I don’t know what to do.” His heart speeds up when he thinks about that moment, that very moment where Bucky was pouring his heart out to him and he was just standing there like a clueless idiot. He wonders how bad that must have hurt Bucky. 

“Let’s go to your room. You can tell me about what happened.” She holds his hand, helping him up. They walk to his room and sit on the bed, and she looks at him with her “I’m sorry” eyes. “So…?”

“I don’t really know how to, uh, start, so I’m just going to explain from the beginning.” He rubs the back of his neck anxiously, his mind racing. “So he told me that he doesn’t like Sharon the other day. That upset me a little, because I want him to like whoever I’m with. I mean, that means a lot to me, you know? And he played it off like it wasn’t a big deal. But it had tormented me for a few days, so I finally decided to ask him again. Ask him  _ why,  _ get some answers. So we were in the living room, and I just asked why he didn’t like her. It was simple. But he went on and on about how no one deserved me, and he’ll never like anyone I’m with. And then he talked about how he wasn’t even worthy to be my friend, and I was just so confused and mad and upset. And I told him that he’s my best friend, and that I’ll always love him no matter what. And then…”

Natasha looks down at the floor, sighing. 

“He just told me to stop saying it, he couldn’t hear it. I was confused, obviously, so I said it again, and he got even more upset. I just...I had no idea what was so wrong. And then he...he told me that he can’t hear me say it, because he knows it means two completely different things to us. And then he told me he’s...in love with me. And he just told me that he’s tired of pretending like he isn’t, and that he knows I don’t feel the same but that he hates lying to me and himself.” He says, trying to process it all through his own mind again. 

“I just...don’t see a huge problem.” She shrugs, looking at him. His mouth opens in shock, and he’s frozen. This is something that is killing, and it’s not any time to be joking. How could she not know that? “I mean...you do though, don’t you? Feel the same way?”

“I...no. No, I don’t.” He shakes his head, blushing. Does everyone think this? “I mean...I don’t think so.”

“Steve, don’t be like that. I mean, you  _ kissed  _ him for god’s sake. You love him as a friend, and you’re also attracted to him. You’ve had each other through everything: parent’s dying, bullying, his depression and drinking problems. You love him. So what’s holding you back from admitting that you’re  _ in  _ love with him?”

“Nat, it’s not...my God, I don’t know what’s happening to me.” He looks down at his furiously shaking hands, swallowing thickly. “I just...I don’t know. I’m confused, I’m so,  _ so  _ confused, and I have no idea. I mean...maybe I do. Love him, I mean. Maybe I do. I just never thought I was…”

“Gay? Bi? It’s not just something you realize you are, and then  _ start  _ feeling that way. You love someone: that’s amazing. It’s amazing and beautiful and exciting, no matter what their gender is.” She hugs him, squeezing his arm. “I always thought there may be something between you two. When I made you kiss him that night after the date, I really just wanted to see if you guys had done something before. Because, you know, you can tell if they have in the way they kiss. But I knew you guys hadn’t, and I thought maybe all of these years I had made it up in my head. But God, there’s so much chemistry between you two it’s crazy. I’m so surprised a horny, teenaged Barnes didn’t try something with you all those years ago.”

“He had many girls to distract him from...me, I guess.” He wipes his sweaty palms on his pants, breathing in deeply. “But I don’t know. Maybe a few times he had, but I just didn’t realize it was  _ that.”  _

“Are you okay? Really, Steve, this doesn’t change anything.” She assures him, squeezing his hand. 

“I know. I just never really thought that I might be bisexual before. I don’t know why, but I hadn’t. But when I kissed him, and he kissed me all of those times...I felt something. And I guess I knew deep down, maybe.” He looks at his hands, his stomach doing flips. Then he looks up at Natasha, trying not to let his voice break. “I think...I’m in love with him. _ ” _

“Oh, Steve!” She laughs, embracing him another hug. “Oh my God. I really just...I never thought...I’m just so freaking happy for you, Steve.” 

“Thanks, Nat. I feel good. I feel...so much better. I think I was in denial for so long, and I’m just...accepting it. I feel like a huge weight is lifted off of my shoulders, I mean…” He laughs, his heart racing. “I’m sorry, I’m being insensitive. You guys...I’m sorry. I know you were with him, I’m being horrible.”

“No, Steve, God no.” She laughs, lightly hitting his shoulder. “I knew deep down that it wasn’t going to work out. It sucks, yeah, but I’m over him. I’m fine, we’re friends, that’s it. Don’t worry about it. I’m just glad you’ll...finally be happy. You and James. I’ve always known this would happen, really. I’m just so, so happy for you.”

“Love you, Nat.” He hugs her, squeezing her tight. “Thank you for everything.”

“Don’t thank me, idiot,” She laughs, patting his back. “I love you too.”

“I don’t know how I’m going to tell him, or...I mean, what should we do? What’s going to happen? Are we going to start d-” He stops himself, putting his hand over his mouth. His stomach drops, and he gasps. “Sharon. Oh no.”

“Oh shit. I forgot.” Natasha shakes her head, pushing her lips together. “You’re sure about this? About how you feel?”

“Yeah, I...I am.” He nods, gulping. “I like Sharon, I do. But with Bucky...it feels right. It really does.”

“Then it’s decided, right? You have to break up with her.” She squeezes his hand, looking at him sadly. He stands up, pulling his hand from hers and rubbing the bridge of his nose as he paces the room. 

“I do, don’t I? God, I...I feel horrible. Things were going so well and I just....It’s out of nowhere.” He breathes out, gulping. “She asked me, you know. She asked if there was something going on. I thought she was talking about with you, but...she was talking about him. She knew. She knew before  _ I  _ even knew.”

“So did me and Sam. I mean it’s obvious. Obvious if you aren’t part of it, I guess, but I just feel like everyone knew. And I could just  _ sense  _ how jealous he got every time you spoke about Bucky. The first night we had sex...it was out of jealousy. It was the night you brought Sharon over the first time, and he was so jealous and annoyed. And right as you two walked out, he practically attacked me. Not that I minded  _ at all,  _ but I knew that was why. Because he was jealous, and he wanted to make you jealous.”

“Really?” He asks quietly, all of it coming together now. “I feel horrible. I’m sorry, Nat. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t Steve. It’s not like that. I promise I’m happy for you.” She assures him, smiling. A real one. “Besides, Sam and I kissed last night. I feel over the moon right now.”

“You did?! Why didn’t you tell me before? Now that I think of it, Sam really was in a  _ great  _ mood this morning.” He laughs, and she grins embarrassedly. 

“He’s great.” She sighs, falling back on the bed and looking at the ceiling. “What are you going to do about Sharon?”

His shoulders slump then, and he falls beside her. “God, I don’t know. I feel like…”

“Shit?” 

“Something like that.” He sighs, closing his eyes. “I just need to do it. I don’t want to draw this out any further than it already has.”

“She’s off work, let’s go. I’ll stay in the car.” She smiles sweetly, sadly, and they both sit up and he nods. 

“Steve? This is a surprise.” She smiles, opening the door wider. He steps in, already feeling horrible and sick and guilty. “You look better. Did you get some rest?”

“Sort of.” He shoves his hands in his pockets, looking down at the floor. “I have to tell you something. It’s really...it’s important.”

“Oh. Oh, okay. Do you want to sit down?” She asks, her eyes widening in alarm. 

“No, I’m...I just want to say it if that’s okay.”

“Yeah, Steve. Yeah, go ahead.” She nods, tucking her curled hair behind her ear. 

“I’m...I’m in love with…” he starts, and his stomach starts to turn and he  _ quickly  _ realizes that was a horrible choice of words, because she’s smiling and breathing in and he knows she thinks he’s about to say  _ “you.”  _ “Bucky.”

Her smile disappears, and she gulps, stepping back. She takes in a sharp breath, looking down at the floor. He steps forward but she steps back farther; she doesn’t want him to touch her. It stings, but he understands. 

“I didn’t know it. All this time, I didn’t realize what he meant to me. But I do now, and I can’t ignore it. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, and I never meant to hurt you, not once. I like you, I really do, but I can’t pretend that I don’t feel this way about Bucky. This isn’t fair to you. I know it’s not, and I want you to know how truly sorry I am for making this go on longer than it should have.” He confesses, suddenly realizing how tense his body is. 

“Go. Please, Steve, just go.” She cries, her voice weak and breaking. “I’m happy for you, I am. I really am. I just...I’m sorry, I have to process this. God, I really liked you Steve. So much.”

“I’m sorry. I feel terrible, and I’ll never be able to tell you how sorry I am for this.” He says, standing there awkwardly. It’s silent now, and he just watches her cry with her back turned to him. He wonders how horrible this must feel for her. “I hope you can forgive me someday. I’ll go.”

She nods silently, and he walks out. He stands outside her door for a few minutes, his stomach turning. He never, ever wanted to hurt anyone, but that’s what he feels like he’s been doing to everyone lately. 

“How’d it go?” Natasha asks quietly from the passenger seat. 

“I don’t know. I’m not sure.” He sighs, flipping his keyring around his finger. “I hate hurting people.”

“I know. I know, Steve, but it’s okay. It’s a breakup. Everyone goes through breakups, okay? And just remember that this is for something bigger. This is real, this is you and Bucky. You made the right choice.” 

“I hope so.” He nods, chewing the inside of his cheek. “I really do.”

“So all that’s left now is…” She nudges his arm, smiling. “You get to tell James how you feel. You get to see the smile on his face, you get to see the relief. He’s going to be so, so happy.”

“Yeah.” Steve grins, a real one. He’s happy, despite what he just had to do, and he can’t tell if that’s selfish or not. But this is a revelation, a realization, and a life-changing one at that. 

“Drop me off at Sam’s on the way. That way it’ll be that much more special.” She smiles, and he nods, taking in a breath. 

Now, twenty minutes later, his hands are shaking as he pushes the apartment door open. It’s unlocked, so that means Bucky’s home from work. His door is shut, and he’s playing some kind of music that Steve can’t exactly decipher immediately. He’s pretty sure his brain is too mushy anyway, so he doesn’t mind. He can’t believe he’s doing this,   _ really  _ doing this. His palms are sweating and his heart is racing and he can’t catch his breath. In the good way, though.

He steps forward, weirdly feeling surreal and as if he doesn’t even have control over his own body. He takes in a huge breath, and softly knocks on Bucky’s bedroom door. He had thought of everything he was going to say to him on the way home, but now that he’s here, he can’t think of _one_ of those things.

He has to knock again, because the first time he knocks no one answers. He waits a few more minutes, even more nervous now. Right as he's about to knock again, the doors opens. Bucky looks at him, his eyes completely empty. It breaks Steve's heart. 

“What?” He asks, not in a rude way, just in a...distant way. 

“I have to tell you something. It's..it's really important.” Steve gulps, smiling nervously. Bucky nods, then looks down at the floor. This is the first time they’ve seen each other since last night, and Bucky looks like a completely different person. He looks exhausted and miserable and Steve wonders if Bucky can see that on  _ his  _ face too. “I, uh...I’m…”

Right as he's about to say  _ in love with you,  _ Aliyah walks up behind Bucky, putting her arms around his waist and setting her chin on his shoulder. She only has on a bra and underwear, and she's breathless. Steve looks at her for a second in shock. Bucky is really having sex with someone else right now, right as Steve was about to confess he loves him back. Right after he told Steve that he’s in love with him.

He doesn't understand how someone in love can just go off and sleep with other people, maybe just to cope. 

But it's Bucky. And everything he does or says is simply for this: to cope. 


	32. Feelings

He steps back, looking at the two of them together. Noticing the light layer of sweat plastered to Bucky’s skin, and the slight breathlessness in both of them that show what they had obviously been doing. No matter how long Steve has known Bucky, he will never,  _ ever  _ be able to understand the reason behind the things he does. 

“Oh, hey! Look, I’m sorry we…” Aliyah laughs and keeps speaking, but Steve can’t even hear her anymore. His heart is currently being crushed heavily beneath his ribs, making him unable to breathe or think or feel. How could he have possibly been so happy just moments ago? 

“We’re kind of busy, so if you don’t mind…” Bucky looks at him, the vacancy of his eyes sending chills down Steve’s back. 

“So what?” Steve sputters bitterly, hurt. He wishes Natasha were here next to him doing all of the yelling, because even though Bucky deserves it, Steve doesn’t have the energy or drive in him to do it. “You’re...you’re just going to use this girl to hide all of your feelings? To cope or something? Jesus, Bucky. You’re better than this. You’re better than using someone to help yourself.”

“What?” Aliyah looks at Bucky, furrowing her eyebrows in confusion. “James, what’s going on?”

“Shut up, Steve!” Bucky steps forward, out from under the arch of his bedroom door. “You have no idea what the hell you’re talking about. Just shut up.” 

“Why are you with her anyway? Really? Just to...to screw away all of your real feelings briefly until you have to come back to reality? It’s always something with you, isn’t it? Booze, girls, sex?” Steve chokes out, staring at the cold emptiness in Bucky. It’s horrifying to see him this way: exhausted, empty, emotionless. 

He expects Bucky to yell. To scream and get angry and fight, even, which he would understand. But he doesn’t. Instead, his back slides down the wall and he puts his face in his hands. Steve wants him to yell and get mad at him, but not this. He hates this. 

Aliyah shuffles around Bucky’s room, running past Steve and out of the apartment with her clothes in her arms. Neither of them barely notice, and no one tries to stop her.

“I don’t know what else to do. I’ve tried everything, I’ve  _ tried.  _ I don’t know what the fuck else I can do. To get my mind off of you...to stop thinking about what I did to Natasha, the way I’ve messed up your relationship with Sharon, and how you probably hate me now. I hate my fucking  _ self  _ for all of this. I don’t know how to cope, you’re right. I have no fucking  _ idea  _ how to cope with this. With all of this horrible shit that’s  _ my  _ fault.” He chokes out, bringing his knees up against his chest like a nightmare-ridden child. 

“No, Bucky, come on,” Steve grits his teeth, his entire being crumbling at the sight of Bucky upset and in pain. “I just got angry seeing you with her because...I just don’t want you to find destructive ways of coping. It never works, not really. And it just ends up hurting people; whether that be you or someone else. And I don't like either of those outcomes, and I know you don't either.”

“I know. I’m trying, God, I am. I have more of my dad in me that I ever, ever wanted.” He confesses, swallowing thickly. “I’m trying to fight it, I have all of my life.”

“All you can do is try. And you always have people supporting you, no matter what.” Steve breathes in deeply, before he reaches down and sets his hand lightly on top of Bucky’s. Bucky looks up then, staring at their hands. Then he leans his head back against the wall, looking at Steve sadly. His eyes are not only dark around them now, they’re also red and swollen from tears. 

“I know.” Bucky whispers, darting his eyes between Steve’s. Then they fall to his lips for a moment, but just long enough for Steve to notice it. Bucky tears his eyes away from Steve altogether, scared that Steve noticed, scared it might make things weird. His eyes fall down to the floor, ashamed. But Steve watches him, watches every movement and every regret, and he knows he’s falling deeper and deeper in love with him each passing second and it’s suffocating overwhelming. 

So he watches him blink, watches a tear fall from his eye and onto the hardwood floor. And suddenly, after all of this, he can’t picture anything but them for the rest of his life.  _ Them.  _ Him and Bucky. 

He swallows and knows this is the right moment, no matter how scared he is and how fast his heart is beating, because  _ this is the moment. _

His hand reaches up and turns Bucky’s cheek towards him, and he can imagine it now: they kiss intimately, because Bucky had given up hope and now they are both completely consumed in holding each other, being together, and they’re so happy that they’re laughing and crying but still staying close, their lips brushing.

But nothing happens the way anyone wants it to.

Bucky looks at him, and Steve looks back, gulping. He leans in and closes his eyes, and they kiss. Full on the mouth, they're kissing. And it's even better than Steve had hoped, and his stomach is twisting with the flutters of butterflies. Then Bucky’s hand settles on Steve's forearm, the one that has the hand that's cupping Bucky's cheek. And Steve is waiting for Bucky to pull him closer, to kiss him harder, to close his eyes and let it all sink in.

But he pushes him away. Not metaphorically, either; he full on  _ pushes  _ Steve off of him, detaching their lips and skin from each other's. Steve is in too much shock to even be hurt yet.

“What is wrong with you?” Bucky whispers sadly, hurt, angry. He stands up and paces around the kitchen, and Steve just sits there frozen, wondering how something with such great potential could go so wrong. “Steve, that was...that's so fucked up of you to do that to me.”

“What? What did I even do?” Steve pushes himself up, his stomach turning now for a completely  _ different  _ reason. He feels his throat closing in like it always does when he's about to cry, when he's about to lose all emotional stability, because he hates how he can have something go so perfectly in his mind but get so terribly messed up in the real world. Sometimes, he realizes, it's an injustice to have a mind that can wander about all of the things you want it to. 

“Just...God, Steve don't do that to me. Don't try and make me feel better. Doing that shit makes it so much worse. You have no idea. No fucking idea.” He gulps, running his fingers through his hair in frustration.tion. 

“You don’t even know what you’re talking about, Bucky,” Steve protests, standing up. Bucky backs up though, not letting him get near him again. So Steve stops and gulps, feeling like he can’t breathe again. This is so much harder than he had anticipated it would be.

“I do know what I’m talking about. I know how you are, and how you would do anything to not let anyone down, or to not hurt anyone’s feelings. And I know...I know you kissed me, but I know it’s because you hate that you made me upset, and you hate any conflict. But this...it’s not some tiny fight, Steve. It's not something that you can just simply get rid of and resolve that fast.”

“It's not like that! I didn't just do it because it would make things better, and solve all of these problems. I did it because I wanted to.” Steve explains, stepping closer, and closer to Bucky. “I did it…because I'm in love with you, too.”

Silence. Steve isn't sure if Bucky even will answer, because he's just staring at the floor, motionless. 

“Please don't say that if you don't mean it.” Bucky's voice breaks, and he sounds helpless and broken. “If you don't...don't keep playing on it. I'm serious, Steve, if you're doing this to make me feel better, I'm begging you to stop.”

“I'm not doing it to feel better! Honestly, Bucky, is it that hard to believe that I could feel that way about you, too?” Steve questions, exasperated. “I am in love with you.”

“I thought...I really thought you didn't. Yesterday, when I told you…” 

“Yesterday when you told me how you felt, I was in shock. I was surprised, and honestly, I didn't realize how I felt about you right then. And I wish I had, but I just didn't. And I'm sorry, and I feel horrible, but I know how I feel now. It's obvious to me; I don't know how I didn't see it before. Because I'm really, genuinely in love with you.” Steve breathes out, his hands shaking with nerves. He doesn't know what to do now. He just spilled his guts out to Bucky, and he's just standing there.

“And I...I broke up with Sharon.” Steve says into the silence, and Bucky finally,   _ finally _ looks up at him. “That's how real this is.”

This is how Bucky must have felt yesterday. Scared to say anything else, scared he won't get a response after being so completely raw with his emotions in such a real way. It's terrifying to expose your feelings like this, Steve now fully realizes.

“Well?” Bucky asks, gulping and laughing in a sad sort of happy way. 

“Well...what?” Steve breathes in, taking that as a pretty good sign, although he isn't sure.

“What are you gonna do about it?” Bucky tilts his head with a slight smile, and Steve's heart beat is pounding in his ears and his stomach his doing flips.

“You know I'm not good at this…” Steve laughs awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. 

“I know,” Bucky laughs, crying as he steps forward, visibly swallowing. “I know, I know, I know.”

So he laughs loudly, before holding Steve's face and kissing him. And they laugh and wrap their arms around each other, and Steve is so happy that he can't imagine being able to feel like this every single day. But he will. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last chapter of the real story! Stick around though, I'm going to make a prologue and post it soon :)


	33. Epilogue

**Two months later**

“Come on, Buck, we told them we’d meet them fifteen minutes ago!” Steve sighs, leaning against a counter in the kitchen. 

“I told you that you should’ve showered  _ with  _ me. Save time.” Bucky shrugs, smirking and rubbing a towel against his damp hair as he walks into the kitchen with only a pair of boxers on. Steve takes in a long breath, his heart  _ still  _ racing every time he sees him. 

“Yeah, but I know what would've happened if I would have joined you. And that wouldn't save time at all.” Steve laughs, and Bucky visibly checks him out, looking him up and down slowly. Then he presses Steve's hips against the counter, humming lowly under his breath. 

“Who cares if we're a little late?” Bucky nuzzles his nose against Steve's neck, his hands slowly grazing over Steve's pants. 

“Stop,” Steve breathes out, closing his eyes. “Not now, come on, Bucky. We’re already a  _ lot  _ late.”

“Just one handie. You can return the favor later.” Bucky laughs, running his hands under Steve's shirt. 

“We did... _ that,”  _ Steve blushes, “All day yesterday. I miss Nat and Sam, and they're probably ready to kill us right about now as it is.”

“It isn't like it takes you long,” Bucky smirks, his breath already heavy. Steve blushes even harder and looks down at the floor. “Fine, fine. Years of pent up sexual frustration has done this to me. So get used to it, buddy.” 

“Go get dressed,” Steve pushes him, laughing.

“Fine, but only because I miss Nat.” He complains, and Steve shakes his head with a smile as he watches him walk to their room. 

“You know she's barely  _ ever  _ home anymore? Even though she has her own room now?!” Bucky yells from the room, his voice muffled as he pulls on a shirt.

“Hey, I'm just glad she's happy. And she's still paying rent, so I'm fine with it.” Steve admits, and hears Bucky accidentally knock something over in the room, cursing under his breath. 

“Me too. To both things.” He replies, finally walking into the kitchen dressed. He gives a lopsided smile, running his fingers through his hair. “Come on, idiot, I've been waiting all morning.” 

Steve rolls his eyes with a smile, following him out.

“Sorry we're late, I couldn't get Bucky out the door.” Steve laughs, sitting down across from Sam and Natasha at a small café. It's an outdoor setting, the New York feel all around them.

“It's about damn time you got here. We've been waiting forever!” Natasha huffs, crossing her arms.

“She's joking. We got here about two minutes ago because  _ she  _ couldn't pick out an outfit.” Sam bumps her arm, then she bumps him back, and they're both laughing and whispering and it's almost lovingly-disgusting if Steve hasn't been doing the same thing with Bucky for the last few months. 

“Anyway,” Bucky clears his throat, and Steve can't put into words how good he feels seeing her happy.  _ Really,  _ genuinely happy. “What are you guys ordering?”

“Um...I think the tomato mozzarella flatbread.” Natasha closes her menu, looking over at Sam. 

So they all order a few minutes later, and sit and talk while they wait. 

“So how's Sharon been? With all of this?” Natasha gestures between Steve and Bucky, then looks at Steve and Sam for answers. 

“Actually...pretty good. She said she always sort of had a feeling about it. She was hurt, but I think she's fine now. Really. She's friendly.” Steve answers, breathing out. 

“I came to get Steve after work the other day, and she was nice enough. Nicer than  _ I  _ would've been to us.” Bucky laughs, shrugging. 

“I hope she's okay.” Steve pushes his straw around his cup, chewing the inside of his cheek.

“Stop being so full of yourself, she's fine. You're not  _ that  _ important.” Bucky nudges his shoulder, messing with him.

“I don't know,  _ you _ were pretty hung up on me for quite some time.” Steve takes a sip of his drink, smiling. 

“Steve's finally got a sense of humor! Wow, this is crazy.” Natasha laughs, shaking her head. 

“I've always had a sense of humor.” Steve argues, laughing. 

“Keep telling yourself that.” Bucky pats his shoulder, turning to Natasha and widening his eyes. They all laugh while Steve rolls his eyes, smiling. 

“Hate you guys.” He murmurs, shaking his head with a grin. 

“I'm tired.” He falls down into the couch a few hours after their lunch date, sighing. They had walked around New York for a while afterwards, and then caught a movie. 

“Me too.” Bucky walks around the kitchen, but Steve's too sleepy to look what he's even doing. So Steve dozes off for a few minutes, slipping into a dreamless sleep. 

“No, you weren't supposed to wake up until I was done,” Bucky complains, and Steve sits up to see a plate with cookies, two cups of hot cocoa, a big blanket, and the menu of Pride and Prejudice on the TV screen. “Damn.”

“What is this?” Steve sits up, smiling and rubbing his eyes sleepily. 

“I just thought I'd do something nice. You cook tomorrow, though.” Bucky laughs and sits beside him, throwing the blanket over the both of them and then hands Steve his cup of cocoa. 

“You made these?” Steve smiles, picking up a cookie and turning it backwards and forwards to look at the cookie that  _ Bucky _ made.

“Yeah. Well, it's from a package, but I cooked them.” He laughs shrugging.

“And Pride and Prejudice? You hate this movie.” Steve scoffs, bewildered. 

“But  _ you  _ like it.” Bucky replies nicely, and then shakes his head. “Besides, it's not  _ that  _ bad. You know I just hate movies in this certain time frame.”

So Steve just looks at him and smiles, completely in love.

“What?” Bucky asks, furrowing his eyebrows. 

“I just...really love you, is all.” He shrugs, laughing. “You've turned into a softie. And before you protest, Natasha thinks so too. It used to takes lots of alcohol to get you nice like this.”

“I don't know, maybe you've just rubbed off on me.” Bucky replies, setting his mug down on the table in front of the couch. So Steve leans in and kisses him, so engulfed in love that he can't express it in any other way. Bucky smiles. 

“Speaking of rubbing off…” Bucky whispers against his lips, breathless. “My offer from this morning still stands.”

“Everything is sexual to you isn’t it?” Steve blushes, taking a sip of his drink. 

“Not everything, but close,” He laughs, snuggling under the blanket, laying his head on Steve’s shoulder. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Steve laughs, pressing play on the remote. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for all of your support! I had an amazing time writing this!


End file.
